My First Love, My Protector, My Papa

Since yesterday and up until now, I've been seeing many read.cash users that are writing their own articles for their Fathers. And, as I read those articles, I always ends up crying in one side of our room. Silently shedding my tears, covering my mouth to prevent myself from sobbing loudly. I do really relate to their stories, because like them I also experienced many good things (even bad times) together with our Father. And, most specially, because I'm a certified Papa's Girl.

As a reader of their articles, I was feeling this urge to write mine, too. So, here it goes....

We used to call our Father as Papa. He was just twenty years old when he met our Mother. How? Well, he was working in a small bakery just beside our compound. After simply looking for each other secretly, boomm! They fall for each other. Mama was just fifteen years old by that time, studying as a third year high school student in a public school in our city. Tita (Mama's younger sister) was their bridge and their messenger, at the same time. Whenever they want to send a letter for each one, Tita will do the work. Since that Mama was too young that time, they decided to run away and go to a province far away from Mama's hometown. And, tadaaaaa! They had me.

After they known that Mama was carrying me inside her womb, they decided to come back to Mama's family. Even though Papa was not that educated and just has a small salary from working as a baker, Papa do still faced them all, with courage and determination. After that, they decided to get married. But, since Mama was still a minor, I was not yet allowed to carry Papa's surname. Do, instead of using his surname, I ended up carrying Mama's maiden name which I was still using until now.

Few years had passed so fast, Mama gave birth to a healthy and bouncing baby boy and seven years after, our little sister had finally join our happy family.

But, life was has not been that good for Papa. Why? Well, let me tell you, guys, a short story before I tell you how amazing our Papa is.

June 06, 1979

Papa's Mom gave birth to him. He once lived in a house with a complete family, a Father, a Mother, and him living in a house that they once called as their home. Sharing one bed while sleeping, eating in one table, and dreaming together. But, it doesn't take that long. His Father leaved him, him and his Mother. He was so young that time, he doesn't fully understand what is happening to their family. He was not that aware that his beloved Father had already leaved them, for good. He don't know that he doesn't have a Father to grow up with, anymore and that their once complete family was now broken.

He doesn't know, but he can feel it..... for sure.

Few years after that scenario, Papa's Mom (Lola) met another man who happened to be Papa's stepfather by now. Maybe that time, Papa thinks that he will finally have a complete family, again. But, he's wrong! He's wrong, big time.

Lola had another two kids, a boy and a girl. Like the common stories of a kid having his/her stepfather and step-siblings, he felt that he was not belong. His step-father used to abused his young body and young self, physically. He beats Papa whenever he would done something that was not acceptable. There were a lot of times that Papa told us some of his bad experiences when he was still on that house.

Translated into English....

"I once remember when he (Papa's stepfather) asked me to cook Paksiw na Bangus (soured milkfish) when I was still a teenager. I don't know how to cook it. I can't asked someone to teach me. Nanay (Mother) was not there.. your Tito and Tita was too young that time. What I did is just I put all the ingredients that I know it has... I thought that it already taste good. But, no. He became mad, told me bad things and words, beat me.

I didn't tell it to your Lola. Nothing will change even if I had to. She will listen, yes. But, she won't do anything. She won't even question her husband. She won't and she can't."

This is just one of those bad things that he had experienced when he was still living with his Mother and its second family. It was just one.... but already hurts me many times.

Maybe, when he feels like it was already enough and out of control, he left their house and come back to their old house. The one that he had good memories, the one that he once had a complete and happy family. The house that was standing in a compound. A compound wherein his Mother's relatives was living. And, the people who truly loves him and was willing to take him back, take care of him, and caged him in their arms. His Lolo (grandmother's father) take good care of him. He felt angry whenever Papa was being harmed by someone, either their relatives or not. But, Papa doesn't want to fully depend on his relatives. So, he started working in a very young age of around fifteen to sixteen years of age.

One day, he needs to come back to that house. The house wherein that monster was living. And, since that day, Papa becomes disabled.

According to Papa, Lolo beats him using a thick wood (dos-por-dos in Filipino terminology). He beats him bad, so bad!!! He beats him that resulted to Papa's disability. He can't walk properly as that beating really injured his leg. As of now, he still can't walk good. (In Filipino: Kikingtod-kingtod maglakad) I know that he feels ashamed, but he just chose to not to talk. Because nothing will change. Nothing. When his Lolo founds out what that man did to him, he was so angry and started loathing that man for hurting his beloved grandson real bad.

Whenever we will go to their house, the scenario of Lolo beating our Papa was flashing on my mind. But, I just chose to not be angry at him because Papa doesn't teach us to loath and hate other people.

Papa's biggest wish is ....

To see his biological Father again!

This is Papa's biggest wishes, well aside from having a good life and a better future for our family.

I can still remember how he extremely wants to see his Father again. To feel his hug, again. To be with him, again. And, to feel his love for Papa, again. He always wanted to have a touchscreen phone, as he just have a keypad one, so that he can find her Father on the social media. Wishing that he could find him there. There was also some time that he would asked and bragged me to bring my old phones in the technicians in the city proper to get fixed. But, my old phones was totally damaged and cannot be fixed anymore. Or if yes, it will cost a money that can even buy a new phone.

There were also a lot of times that he would cry (especially when he was so drunkard) and murmuring how he really wants to see his Father again.

"Maybe other people can help me find my Father. Because even my own wife don't want to do something for it."

He thinks that we don't care. But, that's not true! He doesn't know how I save money to buy some load before, when I still can't earn pennies. He doesn't know that we (I and Mama) do searched for our Lolo, many times. We tried.... We tried. But, we still can't find even a single person who has the same name with Papa's Father. No one.... No one.

When he was crying because of it, I won't look nor talk to him anymore. Why? Because I will just end up crying, too. And, I don't want him to see me in a weak state. Why? Because it will just make him cry even more. And, I don't want that. Never! And, I know that it was also the same reason why Mama was avoiding this topic. Not because she doesn't care, but because she was hurt, too.

Now, let me tell you how amazing our Papa is.

I can still remember many memories with Papa.......

Year 2005-2006

I can still remember how he made me ride his old bicycle whenever I go to our school when I was in Kindergarten and Grade 1. He often do that whenever I tend to wiwi on our bed when I was a kid. While driving and holding me not to fall, he will always say, "It's okay. Don't feel ashamed! It's normal because you were still a baby. But always try your best not to wiwi on the bed, next time. If you want to wiwi, wake Papa and I will walk you to the bathroom." And, he will pat and kiss my head so lightly.

Year 2006-2013

I can still remember how he saves money (in a can) just to buy me a new clothes whenever I will walk on the stage to get my medals as an honor student when I was in Grade 1 to Grade 5.

March, Year 2013

I can still remember when he bought a new phone as a graduation gift when I finished my elementary days in the year 2013. It was a keypad phone that has some small crystals (though, it's not a real one) on the side that will lighten up whenever someone will send me a message or calls me. I know that it costs not that high and was already outdated (as many high-tech phones was being introduced that time). But, I still used it proudly because I know that Papa had bought that because of his hard works.

June, Year 2013

I can still remember how he drive me to school on my first day as a high school (Grade 7) student. How happy he was that time. How he smile at me while saying, "Good luck on your first day. Call or text me when you need me. Don't be nervous, make friends and just smile."

Year 2015

I can still remember how he handed me a new phone, a touchscreen one, when I was in Grade 9. That was the first smartphone that I ever had, so I was so happy. It was an old model of Cherry Mobile, but I know that it was heavy on the pocket to buy one. Especially that Papa's salary as a baker was not that high. Sometimes, it can't even sustain our daily living. I appreciate and took care of it, so much, because like my first phone, it was from his hard works.

Year 2016 and Year 2019

This are the years when I finished my Junior High (Moving-up Ceremony) and Senior High (Graduation Day) days. I can still remember how happy he was that he even throws a simple celebration for me, not minding all the money that will be needed. He patiently wait for me and Mama during my graduation even though it finished by nearly eleven o'clock in the evening.

I can still remember how he doesn't questioned my decision to took Bachelor of Science in Agriculture as my course in college. He just said, "Okay. Just make sure that you will be happy on that course."

I can still remember how he supported my fan girling life. How he called my Korean idols as my boyfriends. How he made sure that my posters are safe and sound while being sticked on the walls of my room. How he listen to my rants on school matters. How he supported me when I said that I will spend my first scholarship allowance on buying a laptop. How he drives me to my tutee's house during my tutorial sessions. How he supported me in everything that I would want to reach and have. So many memories to remember that the whole day will not enough.

I may not seen how happy you were when you first had me and my siblings in your arms...

I may not seen how your eyes sparks and started to become teary-eyes, when you first heard our cries, our laughs, our first word....

I may not seen how you worked hard (inside that bakery) for me and our family...

I may not seen how you sweat because of how hard your work is....

But, I can feel it. I can feel it because your love was so strong. So strong that it reached me even when you were far... So strong that even the wind will be shy.

So, thank you! Thank you for always being there for me. Always remember that you will always be my and my siblings' first.....

First love.

The first man who loved and accepted me.

Protector and savior.

Even when we got our own families, I know and I am sure that you will be the only man who will love, accept, and protect us. No matter what happens!

And, sorry! Sorry for prohibiting you to drink alcoholic drinks, to puff a cigarette, for answering you sometimes, and for being a strict daughter who also prohibits you (and our family) to consume too much sugar and cholesterol.

Happy Father's Day, Papa! We love you so much. I (we) may not always say it, but I know that you can feel it.

Closing Thoughts

Love our Father so much and do not let other men to take their positions in our hearts. Because even when we already have our own families, we will be forever their babies, princesses, and princes.

Thank you for reading this looooong article of mine. Hihi! Love lots.

Maybe you would want to read my previous articles:

'My Flaws Are Not My Fate": https://read.cash/@imanagrcltrst/my-flaws-are-not-my-fate-5412efca

Finally, I'm Back!: https://read.cash/@imanagrcltrst/finally-im-back-8dcab3b6

Or let's have a chitchat and become a friends in Noise.cash:

imanagrcltrst: https://noise.cash/u/imanagrcltrst