Letter to my Future Self

It's weird that I am finding trouble in articulating what I want to tell to myself. Well, I am you (or your were me) so I think you will have no problem in understanding me. You might cringe a lot though when you see the quality of the articles and poems I made from this time. Which is understandable because I sometimes cringe too when I see the poems I made years back.

Wow, I never realized it before but my writing journey has been going on for a few years. It almost seemed like yesterday when I first shared my poems on Tumblr. I remember that I do not even know how to use the tags back then, but over time I built some kind of following that allowed me to just forego even thinking of tabs.

Let me reminisce for a little bit before I get to our experiences. You never know, maybe my memory deteriorated to the point where I forget the things I promised to never forget.

I could still feel the pain sometimes. My wrist would throbbed from phantom ache and I wonder sometimes if it is my punishment. Seeing the scar reminds me of a time that is supposed to be long gone but I always find myself there again. For my future self, I have been trying to try and make the scar less noticeable. I hope that by the time you read this letter, you would be feeling better about it.

Do you still remember the first part of the quarantine? When I felt so relieved that I could rest for a little while, never really expecting that it will take more than a year for everything to be somehow normal again. I felt some regrets over how I was not able to do things that would have been great, of how I just got lazy instead. I used the excuse that the pandemic gave me great stress, and while it is true, I still somehow hoped that I had done more than what I did. I used most of those times talking with someone online and then ghosting them to find a new batch of people to talk to every week. Yeah, not the greatest part of our life eh?

However, I am still glad that after some time, I finally managed to somehow make a decent progress with what I want. Sure, I would never truly give my best to be an engineer after realizing that my heart was just not in it. Yet I have found skills that I value too. I have learned that I can crochet things and I actually love the feeling. It is kind of like my own version of meditation, while I am crocheting, it felt like the problems do not exist. The only thing that exists at the moment is me, my yarn, hooks, and the pattern that I am making.

I have also managed to sew some stuff, remember that? I made a bed sheet and pillow cases set along with a LOT of scrunchies. Right now, I am still thinking whether I should open an online arts and crafts store where I can sell what I made. Maybe you have already done it and has a lot to share with me. Let me know if you think that I did good with starting out this time.

How is the small sticker shop that we started with our friends? Did we manage to ever sell all the stickers we have on stock? As of this writing, we only managed to sell to three customers which is not doing a lot to reassure me of our business. It also does not help that we are all busy with our own things and can not dedicate as much time to our sticker shop. If it we discontinued with the idea, right now I would say that I kind of expected that but if you tell me that I am wrong and the business is still going, that would be a wonderful news! I hope that whatever happened to the sticker shop, you still have your friends with you. I hope that you never forget the lessons the experience taught you.

Do you ever think about me? Have you been grateful that I started right when I did? I hope so, because I keep you in mind when I feel like stopping. I always keep in mind my past self too, you know, so maybe that will never change. I remember that I used to hate my past self for doing stupid things and not starting important things but now I just about it. I learned how to love my past self and all the insecurities and stupidity that comes with her. The important thing is that I am learning and doing my best.

If you are not in a good place right now, please know that I am still so proud of you. You might think yourself a failure for whatever it is that happened but know that I believe in you. It had taken me the belief of my past self to get here so I want you to know that I look up to you. You are not a disappointment. I know that no matter happened you will still reach the destination you have in mind. It is okay to get lost (we both know that we have no sense of direction), just believe that you will reach your goal.

You may have stumbled a lot and I know that it must have been hard. Please remember that this version of you is cheering you on your journey, no matter where it leads. Keep your head high, and your feet on the ground. You are doing great. You are great. I am proud of you for making it this far. If you are in a place that I wanted to reach at this age, I am still proud and incredibly pleased. You have done well.

Hey, maybe you could update your past self about what you learned. I am sure that someone might read it and learn from it too. Just like how this letter is meant for everyone who is also struggling and feeling like a failure. This is a letter of reassurance, that you are still doing great and you still have the chance to make things right if they are in the place you wanted them to be.