Taste of being alone

I would be the first to admit that I used to hate my own company. I really did not have a good relationship with myself because of the internalized self-hatred I used to have. I used to think that I am only lovable when I am in a relationship with somebody. I also used to equate my worth to how desirable my partner is perceived by others. It is a weird logic now that I look back on it, but in my younger years I really thought the only way I could love myself was if somebody else is making me feel like I deserved to be loved.

However, now I know better. I have realized that love is not something that comes from external sources. I am still worthy of love even if I am alone. Staying single does not mean that I am undesirable.

As I was coming to terms with my singlehood, I started to rediscover parts of myself that I lost while being in a relationship. I started to relearn the things that used to spark joy within me. I started to be present and honest with myself more. It started out small. Like the feeling of freedom of not having to constantly feel the need to check my messages to reply to someone else immediately. Then it transformed into casually enjoying my own company out on coffee shops. It became going to new places alone and trying out the things I have been wanting to try without waiting for someone else to accompany me.

It used to make me feel insecure and self-conscious when I spend time alone. I had negative thoughts like maybe I am weird and unlovable. I was so worried about how others view my decision to be by myself in public places. However, as I started doing it regularly, I realized that people are so caught up in their own worlds to even care about me in the first place.

It took a lot of weight off my shoulders, and I started to relax more. I started to explore more. I started to be more comfortable with my own skin. Doing this, I realized that being alone is not as awful as I used think.

Being alone tasted like dark coffee with pastries. It tasted like strawberry ice cream on the way home. It tasted like hot or cold matcha. It tasted like freshly baked cookies. It tasted like hot ramen. It tasted like stale fries. It tasted like everything I ever expected it to taste like and more. It tasted like freedom.

I admit though that while I enjoy my own company now, being alone sometimes also taste like sadness. It makes me miss the feeling of embracing someone. It makes me miss the feeling of being vulnerable and showing my soul to someone I trust.

But the times I spent alone taught me how to make myself happy. It helped me discover a lot of things about myself. And with that comes the realization that I would rather be alone than spend time with someone I am settling for. The next time I enter a relationship, I want it to be with someone I truly respect and love. I want it to be with someone who inspires me to be the best version of myself every day. I want it to be with someone who will not shy away from my vulnerable side. I want it to be with someone who will share his completeness with me so that we can be individuals who chose each other.

So, until then, I will enjoy the taste of coffee alone. I will enjoy the smell of my own cologne. I will enjoy holding my own things. I will enjoy treating myself with kindness and love every day.