In Love

Being in love is one of the most incredible things in the world. When you are in this state, everything seems a little bit brighter and you look at thing with hope and optimism.

In line with this, everyone must have wondered about "The One" for them. Will it be the cute stranger you met at the bar? The shy colleague who seems to never say anything but somehow managed to convey what they want to say? The long-lost love you had back when you were a child?

I am sure that many have face this question one too many times. Well for me, I went above and beyond one time that I wondered about my "The One". I wrote him a letter with random things that I worry about.

The following italicized words are the heartfelt letter I wrote him. You might notice the undercurrent of confusion and worry, and maybe just a little bit of hope too.

To the man who will someday love me,

I know that being with me takes a lot of effort. I know that I am hard to understand. Most days may feel like you're with a puzzle instead of a human. I know that making me get out of my bed is troublesome. It may seem like I love the bed more than I love myself. I know that while I will eat everything prepared for me when I am a guest, in my own house I am terribly picky of what I will eat. I've been told that I grit my teeth when I'm asleep, you might find it annoying. I know my favorite colors change like clockwork. I know that keeping track of what I like is hard. I know it's going to be hard to be with me. I know I am hard to love. I know that sometimes I will act like a different person. I know that I have a dark side that emerge just so it could ruin my relationships. I know that someday you might get tired of me.

I know all these things. I have learned how to recognize myself so I could tell if it was me or my depression talking. However sometimes, the line blurred to the point where I lost sight of who I am. Sometimes you will see me staring at the wall for hours, mumbling to myself, trying to find myself in the darkness of my mind. When that happens, just hold my hands. Don't try to talk me out of my reflection. Don't try to stop me from finding myself because if you do, it will take a long time before I realized I am letting my depression control me. Don't try to make fun of me when this happens, because it is me being vulnerable. It is a sign of my trust for you and if you laugh it would hurt not only me but also our relationship.

There are things that I wish I could share with you easily but my throat closed up when I try to tell them to you. There are things that I wish you would tell me but I do not want to beg them out of you. I wish that even if I struggle sometimes, I wish you know that I am doing my best and know that I am aware that you are doing your best too.

I want to tell you a lot of things in this letter but I guess I could tell them to you when we meet each other finally. There are some secrets that I dared not put out here no matter if I am hidden by a pseudo name. Still, know that while we wait for the time to get together, I will be doing my best to be the girl who will love you back to the best of my ability.

That is the written letter that I wish I could just send to this mysterious man of my life. I wish that even when I feel so clueless about these kinds of things, I find someone who will understand that I know not everything.

I want to be with someone with whom I can be human too, not a perfect partner or anything. Just a human in love with another human. For me, that would be the most romantic thing in the world, not the candle lights or any romantic cliché on the movies. I would love to be me with some just being themselves and I would be the happiest girl in the world.