One of the problems I had while I was growing up and I am currently facing is self-doubt, imposter syndrome, or whatever it is called.

Whenever people talk of how intelligent I am or how they find what I do, or I say as intelligent or interesting; I always play it down to luck or to be a coincidence.

"No! I was just lucky", was my typical reply.

This belief cumulated into a strong lack of trust in my ability and knowledge. Anytime I passed an exam, I wondered how I had passed. I always feel like I didn't know much or that I didn't deserve the grades I got.

In Junior high school, I was regarded by my teachers as one of the most brilliant students in the class, but I didn't see myself as one. Sometimes, I ask myself what did those teachers see in me that they regarded me so highly.

"If only they knew I was riding on luck", I would tell myself.

For those who might not be familiar with how our educational system works in Nigeria, let me take a detour from my ongoing narrative to explain.

We have Three major levels of education (I used the word major because I didn't want to count the level of Kindergarten). The first level is the primary or basic level which runs for 5 to 6 years. The primary level consists of 6 classes.

After the primary level, we have the secondary level. The secondary level is also called high school.

Our Secondary or high schools are sub-divided into two sub-levels, they are: Junior Secondary/High school and Senior Secondary/High school.

The difference between the two sublevels is that in Junior Secondary, you are taught core subjects from science, commercial, and art together. But when you get to Senior Secondary, students are grouped into three distinct departments namely: Science, Art, and Commercial.

The department you decide to go to depends on what you would like to study at the tertiary level or the aspect of subjects you find interesting during your junior secondary.

The tertiary level consists of Universities, Polytechnics, or Colleges. This level is regarded as the pinnacle of education.

Back to the discussion.

I remembered my first year in Junior high school when I had the highest score in the English Language exams. Note that: my school had close to 1000 students in level one of Junior secondary alone.

My high school is a public school, and it is very big in size and population. The entire population of students in Junior secondary at that time was over 2000 pupils. In each class you have a population of close to 100 or sometimes exceeding.

I recalled my English teacher asking my classmates to give me an ovation for having the highest score.

While the ovation was going on, I was bewildered at how I did manage to outscore everyone. I was telling myself that I didn't deserve the score or it was just luck.

This self-doubt and lack of overall seriousness made me look like an average student in senior secondary school. In senior Secondary, there was a time our physics teacher needed to pick students for a competition, and she picked me with some other students. I told my friends jokingly that the teacher must be blind for picking me ahead of other students.

This self-doubt didn't die in secondary school, as I took it to University. In my first year, I performed well above average and better than the majority of my colleagues, but guess what I told myself "oh it was just luck and because the exams were CBT exams".

This thought kills my morale, and I always look at things as more complex and harder thereby believing or thinking that I can't solve them.

I am not saying that I ought to have gone and indulge myself in getting pompous for any of my achievements, but the feeling of denying myself the credit for doing something when it is fully clear that I did it; is a killer.

It makes me look at tasks as very difficult and it also fuels the thought that I can't do this or that without being lucky or coincidentally.

Today I was looking at a very complex project, and my mind was making me feel I won't be able to achieve or recreate it.

No! I shouted,

I won't let the fear or the complexity of anything make me belittle myself again.

I won't just attribute my success only to luck or some unforeseen circumstances.

I won't let my mind control me but rather I would control my mind into believing in my capabilities and the greatness that lies in me.

I say no to self-doubt and any of its variants and you should too my friend!

01-09-2022

2:05 AM

Happy New Month!

Thanks for reading