Date: August 29,2021
Author: SequoiaIn the midst of the unknown, I found you soundlessly sitting at the edge of the cliff. Eyes that speaks million of words but chooses to hide it through those pretentious smiles. You were there for a very long time now, sluggishly losing all the hope and strength that never had a chance to expand any longer. Eventually, you got worn out from incessantly explaining yourself from everybody. You decided to shut your mouth and let them speak wrongly about your existence. It started from one layer of bricks and then it grow and grow. Till the time comes where we can't reach you anymore because of those walls that you built and surround yourself with. I tried to smash it down, but I was too weak to do it. And so I give up smashing the wall and just wait until you open the door for me. I'll stay. I'll wait. I'll be here on the other of the wall.
I woke up a bit late already today. I dunno why. Maybe because it is Sunday? Weekend? Rest day? If only I could just lay in my bed all day and not care for our meal. Actually, I can survive a day without filling up my stomach. But I don't wanna be selfish and make my mom worried about me. Even if it's against my will, I decided to get up and fixed my bed. I nonchalantly cooked our breakfast and went back to my room without uttering any words. I know, my mom probably think that I am mad at hear at this moment. I wanted to explain my self but I was too tired to do it. I am so exhausted in explaining my side to everyone. I just wanna be alone and live in peace.
I wanted to turn back the time and just go back from being a carefree toddler in the arms of my mother. I made a big mistake of wanting to grow up faster back then.
This feeling isn't new to me. No matter how I tried, this feeling just keep on hunting me.
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Insecurities
I have plenty of questions and what if's. What if I don't have pimples? What if I am beautiful like the other girls? What if I am chubby? What if I have a white complexion? Will they accept me and never make fun of my existence again? I guess yes. That's how the world runs today. They only care and respect you if you famous and beautiful.
Fears
Can I really survive college? Can I really graduate? Can I find a job after I finish my study? What if I disappoint my mother? Am I good enough? I guess, fear is the one that is driving me right now. I couldn't spread and flap my wings because I was chain by my own thoughts. I was a prisoner of my own mind.
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I couldn't take this anymore and I really need to get up now before this thoughts and emptiness consume my whole being.
Slowly walk in front of the mirror and put my sweetest smile again. However, the girl infront of me doesn't smile at me. She remained emotionless. I took a deep breath and close my eyes.
"You were fine. You are fine and you will always be fine."
That became my enchantment everytime I feel this way. I spoke it 5 times and my heart started to feel lighter. Colors are starting to appear around me and there I knew that its getting better again.
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We really feel bad at times, that thingis surely normal. Just don't let bad vibes ruin your day. Just shrug it off and it will surely run away