I had no friends

All my life, I hardly make friends not because I'm incapable or unaccommodating but it just didn't work out for me. I guess I'm not destined to have friends. Since my childhood, I'm always alone, though, I do play with my mates in class, there's a limit to that. They all had their own company and hideout. Even if I wish to play, I'm forced to stay alone. I'm quite brilliant though, I'm always at the top of the class.

During my first year in the boarding, everyone calls me a quiet girl, I do things alone. My seatmate was a guy then, we do talk a bit, but it was just a simple talk like "borrow me your note" "have you done your assignment" and some other talks like that.

Inside my hostel, I eat alone, read alone, during the recreation, I sit alone also. I guess I have gotten used to staying alone. At times, when I see my mates playing, I would love to join them too, but I just feel inferior to them. Some of them ask me why I like staying alone. But I can't find a genuine reason. Throughout my first three years, I was alone. If I need something I don't have, will rather not ask anybody for it, or I improvise.

Callie came to me after a sunday service one day. She asked me if I would like to be her friend, I didn't give her an answer immediately. Callie and Lauren were best friends. I didn't know why she would ask me to be friends with me. I agreed with her later. I didn't ask her what happened between herself and Lauren. Throughout that week, we were so intimate. We did everything together. I was so happy. I finally had a friend. I finally had someone I can share my experiences, feelings and thoughts with.

All this came to an end when I discovered Callie had a fight with Lauren. She wanted to make her feel jealous, that's why she came to me. I felt really bad that I was used. Even when they both reconciled and got back together, Callie still came to me sometimes, I guess she didn't want me to feel bad. She didn't tell me about the fight though. I willingly stepped back in our friendship. I didn't want something like third party in my relationship with anyone.

Some months later, Lauren came to meet me if I would be friends with her, I knew immediately what had happened again. I told her to go settle whatever dispute she is having with Callie but she told me she's done with her. She is no longer interested in having anything to do with her. Few days later, they were back to been together.

I gave up on friendship, after I had finally realized that. I make use of my time alone. When everyone studied together, I read alone. I don't play with anyone, I find myself reading novels.

I had another friend in my first year in College. Sophie was my coursemate, she does not like going to class alone. She would wait for me so we could walk together, if she arrived in school first. We got a little bit closer even if I didn't want to go to class with her I always find myself crossing paths with her. Or I would need her help.

Few months after our admission into college, Sophie changed a litte bit. She doesn't come to class, she asked if I like partying, then I told her no. Since then, I noticed a little change in her attitude towards me. I would greet her first before she would reply me.

Everything about her changed totally, her dressing changed to an indecent one. I was a little bit scared of what would have happened to me if I had continued my relationship with her. Well, I wasn't disappointed, I guessed I'm used to it. We still talk sometimes but we do not share any intimacy like before.

I spent my first semester alone. I go to class alone and come back alone. Even though it wasn't easy for me as a freshman, I find it hard locating lecture theatre, going through all the registration process, I find it hard meeting some people, because I was alone, others find it easy because they were in pairs or groups. I had few roommates back then, they were nice to me, I enjoyed staying with them alot but it's just that they weren't my coursemate and they all had friends also. But the little time I spent it them made me jealous of what it takes to have a friend.

At the beginning of the second semester, I met a girl on my way to class one day, we talk for few minutes. I summoned courage to ask her what course is she studying. Amazingly, we were both studying the same course, we shared a lot of things in common, we both registered for the same courses all through. We even stayed in the same hostel. I didn't realize that until I asked everything about her. I liked her attitude. She's beautiful, calm and kind. She did a lot of things for me that I didn't even expect. I guess she likes me too. But then, I asked myself, am I willing to have her as my friend. We just met though but if I keep her as my friend, am I sure it will work out. I'm getting a little bit scared of what hasn't happened. I think I will just continue staying and doing things alone.

Thanks for reading.