Isn't this an emotional blackmailing?

“The emotional blackmailer may go out of their way to do things for you, even if it goes against their self-interest…they’ll bring it up over-and-over again, frequently reminding you what they’ve sacrificed to make you happy.”

– Amica Graber

I have always heard of people blackmailing another and threatening to disclose whatever secret between them, except they are given demand and this is happening everywhere but I have never heard of "Emotional Blackmail" until I went to search for the meaning from my friend (Google) and paraphrased into my own way of understanding it.

Emotional Blackmail is like someone trying to manipulate you, thereby using your feelings as a way of controlling your behaviour and making you see things in their own way.

Let's take two lovers for an example; the lady needs to get to somewhere very important but her man tries to stop her, threatening that if she leaves when he needs her, that is the end or someone else might replace her. If she is truly in love and does not want to lose her relationship, she stays and loses what she needed to go and do. This might be an opportunity but the guy isn't seeing it that way, he only insisted on her seeing things in his own way, that is to stay with him.

I heard this word when I read a touching story of a young guy who was emotionally blackmailed. I feel for him though and I don't know what might happen since the incident happened some days ago. He is trying to get advice from people and checking through the comment section, I saw people pitying him and telling him what to do. Of course, he has to take a big decision at the moment so he doesn't get to regret it later.

Let me try to summarize the story so you can understand how emotional blackmailing works on the victim. I would be using a random name here.

Adam was a little boy without a father. His mother had been the one taking care of him and they lived in a compound house. Each household had a man in it, who would control the house's affairs, but it was him and his mother alone. He wanted a man in the house too, especially when he got to school and his classmates would always say "my father bought this, my father did that" and when it got to his turn, he would say "my mother bought this". His classmates mocked him and asked where his father was, is it only your mother that does things for you?

Adam was sad and went home with questions about his father from his mother. The mother said his father travelled and when he returns, he will see him. Tell your friends that your Dad travelled and the case was closed there.

When he reached the age of ten to twelve years, he still kept asking his father but the reply he got from his mother was "I don't know where your father is. He travelled and never came back". The mother now threatens that if he asks his father again, she would kick him out of the house to go look for his father and he will never come back to her again.

Adam had to stop asking about his father because he was threatened and they continued living their lives. When he was sixteen years old, he and his mother travelled to their hometown and when he was left with his mother's elder sister, he whispered into her ears asking "Do you know where my father is?" The woman nodded her head in a positive way. Adam begged her to take him there since he lives around town. She promised to, but on a condition not to tell his mom.

The next day, his aunt took him there and showed him his father who owns a shop. He wanted her to take him there but she refused, saying it wasn't in her position to do that. They went home but as Adam looked back staring at his Dad, he saw an inscription at his father's shop written as "Adofo asa" which translated as "There are no more lovers".

He got home and wrote the inscription behind his books and didn't reveal anything to his mom but he was happy his father was still alive. When he got to high school and in a boarding school, he secretly left school and travelled to his hometown to meet his father. When he got there, the man recognized him immediately and asked who brought him? He said his aunt showed him this place. The father took him to his home where he met three children. One was older than him while the second boy (Daniel) was his age, and the third is a girl. He slept over and the next day, his father took him to the train station and gave him money to go back home.

Adam was happy. He felt his Dad's hand and his curiosity left him since he saw and held his father. He never felt any inadequacy again but he kept it to himself. However, he had bonded with Daniel already but lost contact. During those times, he would always ask Daniel about his Dad and they kept chatting until they never communicated again.

Eleven years later (Adam should be twenty-seven years now) he got a message on his Facebook messenger from Daniel, with a number for him to call him immediately after he got the message. Adam called Daniel immediately and he told him of his Dad's sickness. Daniel told him there was no possibility he would survive it because he had a stroke and his left side is deteriorating. Daniel told him how the father wanted to see him before he died as he insisted on seeing him to explain some things to him.

He felt unhappy and was confused about what to do. He remembered his mother's threat years ago and he decided to go meet and explain to her first. When he got home, he explained how he met his father but not about the sickness. The mother said he knew he had gone to meet his father and she was angry ever since then.

Adam was shocked and asked if it was her sister who told her, and she said no. She knew through the inscription written on his books and that was the father's nickname. Then the next thing his mother said and I quote was "The day you make peace with that man, it's over between us. You cease to be my son. I won't tell you my reasons now."

Seriously, Adam is in a confused state and doesn't know what to do. Many commenters were of the opinion that he should go and see the man since he is already grown up and if possible, he should go secretly to hear what the man would say before he dies. Adam's mother was blackmailing her own son emotionally and this is affecting him. I don't want to know the reason behind it but they shouldn't bring an innocent child into this.

As for me, I would advise Adam to go see his father behind his mother's back since she is not ready to give him reasons why he shouldn't see his own father.

What could have transpired between the mother and husband to make the child suffer right from childhood without a father figure in his life? An innocent child shouldn't experience this.

If you were to advise Adam, what would you say? Do you advise him to also see his father or listen to his mom who isn't ready to give her reasons? Is it until he dies?

The truth is Adam is now old enough to see things himself. He should be able to address this issue between them. Perhaps forcing his mom to open up while he goes to listen to his Dad's side of the story. If the man dies, Adam might regret it all his life. What if his mother was the cause of the separation?

Perhaps the mother was betrayed. Adam's father already had a wife according to the story because the first child of the first wife was older than Adam while the second child was his age. Maybe she was pregnant at the time she knew her husband lied? No one can ever know the secret behind this issue.

I still don't want to know what happened between them but the woman shouldn't deprive Adam of not seeing his father.

Let's hear from you guys. Though our interactions wouldn't do anything, we are learning from each other and I am ready to make this an interactive session.

I hope the man doesn't die before Adam shows up because it's a true-life story.

Thanks for reading

Image by Thirteen on Unsplash

[May 21, 2022] (No 141 articles for the year)