So last day I saw some article here containing this kind of topic and I forgot who it was, you have your credits here, sorry I can't remember you.

Sometimes, life is hard and life is unpredictable. They said, life is too short so we need to enjoy every little seconds of it, every seconds that contains our dreams, contains our goals, or full it of memories that the others can remember too when we died.

So this what ifs, contains every what ifs of my life that I always thinking to. The what ifs, that sometimes I can't stop thinking, I can't stop wondering and I can't stop asking ny self, why?

What if, I'm dead? Until now I can't answer this question of mine, how can I answer this if this one was referring about my death? About my dream that other people don't want to.

I always thinking that it's better if I died, no, it's really better if I died.

Why? Eversince after ny operation, my mother always want me to give something to them. There are moments that she really mentioning about the food, and how she manage to give birth to me. It makes me guilty when she was reminding me that I may be not in this world if she choose to abort me. I just say to myself, maybe that's better than keeping me.

This article maybe look like rant, allow me to burst out for a moment, allow me to say everything that my heart does. Because I can't really stand still for today, I felt like there's a huge thorn inside ny heart where whenever I'm breathing, it's becoming bad and feels like I don't want to breathe.

Ealier, I was she talk to me. Forcing me to give here 1k or 20$, she said that was the last time that she'll asked me about money. Ofcourse who am I to believe? She's always like that and nothing new. Throwing words, throwing everything that she can say. She even bringing up the past during the time that I'm not still existing. It's not that I hate my life, of whatsoever it is. It's just that, even if I try to understand everything, I always ended up that I can't really understand them after all..

Where is my mother spending all of her money?

• So a lot of you maybe have an idea already about Fairy Derma set.

Last last week, I didn't know that she used my shopee acc to buy what she want. She knows that I withdraw my monthly allowance where I asked my partner to send 30$ to my wallet. I didn't notice the shopee notification since the "Do Not Disturb" on my phone was open. It's always open and so that I can avoid receiving notifications and even messenger messages whenever I'm doing my module. I'm turning it off when I'm talking with my partner via VC.

So she asked me if I have still extra money, and I told her why? She said she was just asking because maybe I need some. At some point it's weird because she never asked me about having a money. I told her that, "I still have 10$ here, don't give me some.", And she just walk away without saying anything.

I ordered sandal to shopee and I didn't check it since I'm just waiting for it to be delivered to my house.

What funny is,

Days After the sandal delivered, some shopee rider came to my house and my dog was sniffing into him. Maybe he got panic because I have a big brown dog where it was a Red Labrador, he ran away and my dog chase him. Lol he even make a call saying, "Ma'am tabangi ko! Mapatay ako aga pa.", (ma'am help me! I'm dying early.) I can't help but to laugh hard while saying, "Stop running, he'll not bite you, he just chasing you because he taught you're playing with him." But no, he kept shouting and shouting until my mother got him and scold my baby big dog.

I was wondering how come I have a shopee delivery since I didn't order anything. My mother suddenly came to me and whisper, "Pay that, I'll pay you when you'll going to Baguio." To be honest, I didn't react aby since I was shock. When did my mother become like this? I mean, is that the reason why she asked me if I still have money left on me? For that one?

I didn't say a word, that time I wanna cry, I can feel my eyes becomes teary and I just paid the rider with his tipped.

But wait, instead of saying "Thankyou." She told me that, "Babayaran mo rin naman pala kapag inorder ko ng di mo alam.", (You will also pay when I ordered something you didn't know.) I didn't react, I didn't say any words, I didn't say even one word. I just go inside and cried.

I left asking myself, when did the things become like this?

Why I felt like, I'm just an investment for my own mother?

Like why? She always do what she want without asking me first.

Even if I want to say something, it's hard for me since I already know that it will end up nothing. She'll just remind me that I am her daughter and she is my mother, so I must respect her at all cost.

I'm getting tired of this set up, I'm getting tired of life.

It's just simple, she can talk to me and say what she wants in a good day, I'll give it to her. But it was no matter how much I talked to her, no matter how many words that I need to say, she's mot listening.

She will not going to listen, why? Because she was comparing her old life to me.

Final Thoughts:

I didn't published an article last day since I was too busy answering my module, I finish all the tasked from 1 to 7 where it was full of essays and explanation. I did them for like just one day because of my mix emotions. When I finished answering all, I feel relieved and my mind works totally fine because of thinking with too much problem.

I just want to tell you guys that, no matter how I tried to talk to my mother. She will not going to listen, because whenever I'm doing that, she's throwing tantrums and saying a word like, "don't forget that I am your mother and you're just my daughter, it's your responsibilities to give what we want because without us you're not here."

"The virtual world is better than reality, but it contains feelings where the users always want to forget about." -OGLU2022

I'm sorry! I just want to vent out.

I would like to say thankyou to ate @Adrielle1214 for renewing your sponsorship, salamat ng madami ate!

Article No.14 on the month of march
March15.2022