My Self Insecurities Were Attacking: Flaws And Imperfections (I reach 10k Readers).
Last day, I suddenly feel not okay because of what I feel. Is it me or same as you guys? Sometimes my head were fine, I love my imperfections, I love my flaws. But there are times where I hate myself, I can't accept my flaws, I can't accept my imperfections. I'm suddenly loosing my self confidence, I feel like I'm nothing but just a waste.
Until now, I can feel the pressure inside my head where there's a voice saying, "You know that you're not enough, someday the people you love will leave you because they will find someone better." Yes, I know. I'm aware that I'm not enough, that I have many imperfections, that I have many flaws. The flaws where sometimes it's hard for me to accept it, the flaws where sometimes my self insecurities were telling me that I'm not enough.
As we know, being chubby is all the matter, they said. People always hear me saying, "It's okay to be chubby as long as I'm cute." But no, it's just a words that I often say but there's more... it's the opposite.
I'm so jealous whenever I saw someone chubby who has a big confident about their curved body, etc. While me, I feel useless and just a waste dealing with my self.
I'm not PRETTY, people often say that they love my chubby cheeks, they love how I look always, they love when they saw me dressing fit clothes because my body curves were showing where they said I look sexy. They love the way I act, the kindness that I have...but behind that, they didn't know that I hate myself. I hate myself more than being of what am I.
I'm not SEXY, I have a curved body where all girls hate from their selves too. I can't wear sexy clothes because I'm not a fan of it, I love big size tshirt, plus size of whatever that I can wear. When I was a kid, I often wear sexy clothes that's look nice on me. But when I reached highschool, I experienced being harass with my TLE teacher. He often say that I look yummy, this one triggered the trauma that I have when I was a kid.
A lot of you read my old article which is 8months from now, where I share what happened to me during my childhood.
After that, I already dumped all of my sexy clothes. And stop wearing like that again, and my self insecurities added because of my 2 exes.
I have so many FUR in my body. This one insecure me the most, they said I looks fine because it was attractive to look. I admit it that most of people who I met said I was attractive, but me myself I am questioning myself why i felt like I'm just nothing and a wasted person who's not important by anyone. Sometimes, I want to be skinny, and to live a perfect life where I feel good at everything. My friends always saying that, I don't need to feel insecure about what I look. Because they said, at the first place I already look attractive. It's just me who thinks that I'm not doing enough good for myself.
I have my IMPERFECTIONS. I make mistakes, I'm not good at making decisions for myself, I'm not good at anything, I'm not good at everything. I'm not the kind of person where you can see me always being with others, no. I hate being in public, going out public makes me feel something weird. I hate being surrounded by many people, I hate being with the noisy ones. I love being in a quiet place, the place where I can't hear anything but only the wind, or the insects. I'm a type of person where I don't judge, but I'm judging myself. I'm the type of person wheere I hate to insult others, but I'm always insulting myself.
I have a CHUBBY body. I was born being chubby, I often hear a words from others like, "Why don't you try to loss weight?", Ey, lemme tell u something. 'I'm trying okay? But still malusog parin and I was born in this way na. That's why I have a big self issue because of this things even if I know I need to value and to love myself more. The most matter to me is, I survived each year pretending that I'm happy.
I have this imperfections, where I know I'm always lack of something.
But keep your eyes here, I have no problem with this. It's just my head, because like what I've said, there are times where I love myself, and there are times where my mind was hitting me hard.
I have this moment where sometimes I hate life, sometimes I love life. There are times where I love my imperfections, I love my flaws and anything that surrounds me. There are times where I hate my imperfections, I also hate my flaws and anything that surrounds me. To be honest, even if some people are cheering me up to feel okay I always ended up feeking worthless. I'm just smiling at them like I was okay already but deep inside, I was questioning myself over and over again like why I am living different from others.
What I mean about being different? I'm a type of person where I usually don't engaged myself to a lot of people. Whenever I see a group of people that looks happy, I'm just admiring them but I'm avoiding to experience it myself. When my friends were having fun around, I'm always going to the corner and just stay there alone. When they asked me while I love spending my time alone, I'm just reasoning out because I don't feel okay at all being with them.
There are times where they were complaining because sometimes I was too loud and sometimes I was too quiet, seems like I have 2 personalities where the other half of me were just quiet all day long and the other half of me were noisy at some point.
Sometimes, I often think that my partner can find someone who's all in one, omfg sorry I'm already downgrading myself.
Final Thoughts:
Gusto ko umabsent pero sinabi ko na sa self kong mag gigrind ako ngayong buwan kaya laban!
So last last day, there's a notification that suddenly appear saying I reached 10,000 article readers and I'm happy about it!
Thankyou so much for supporting me! This one means a lot to me, I can't explain how happy am I. Thank you so much!
OfficialGamboaLikeUs2022
We all have flaws and imperfections. We just have to learn to embrace it. I know it's easier said than done but how you feel about yourself will radiates. If you feel okay about yourself then people would treat you better i guess. But for me, the first step is to fake it till you make it. Just fake confidence, nobody knows you're faking it but yourself. Godspeed to us I too am struggling to embrace my imperfections but working on it!