My Mother's Words Vs. What I Want To Say.

A lot of you knows how many rants I am doing just to feel fine, and now here we are again. There are words where I can't say it straight to her so I let her say what she wants and I let her spill everything that she wanted, even though it was hard for me.

I am shy to open up because I felt like it's just a waste of time for them so I choose to quiet and spill it out here than verbally.

When my mother said, "You should be thankful because I didn't even think to abort you because it was wrong. So stop talking to me as if I am your child!."

This was happened earlier. I woke up at 5am and I feel uncomfortable, like I felt like something will haopen but I'm not sure what it was. At 8am, she asked me for some money, pamasahe papuntang palengke. And I told her that she's the one who's holding my wallet last day so why would she asked me that? I already give my spare allowance to her.

I asked my baby to send me 200 (4$) but instead she send 5$. By the way, I'm using her bitcoin wallet so that I can save up na di ko talaga magagalaw yung yung pera.

It's because I go to school last day and I don't have any allowance left since I paid my money when I get signature to the alumni. I paid 500php or 10$ to it. Before I go home last day, I direct to 7/11 to eat some foot long and ice cream. I cost 0.6$ for a foot long and 0.5 for an icecream so I still have 2$ and 0.8$ left. When I got home, I gave her what's left on me so that she kept her mouth quiet for a moment but still no. She kept nagging and said, "this is it? You're writing for many days why you give this is only.?", I didn't answer her, I just go inside of my room and minding my own business.

If I can only say a word, I will told her that:

Nay, I didn't wish to be here. If I only can go back as a spirit and choose to wander around, maybe I'll just watching everyone having their bad and good days, maybe I'm just a spirit who's freely wandering around and start making scenes that will makes me happy without worrying or anything. I know you guys didn't expected me to be the result of your wrongdoings, even me I didn't expecting to be born and to give a new life where I should be thankful but instead I'm not. When I was a child, you kept telling me that when I grew up I need to help you and everyone who's beside me. But now that I grow up, you makes me realize that prioritizing everything and having thisnkind of responsibilities makes me tired. I'm not sure what's happening but you're not the same mother that I have years ago.

When my mother said, "look at your big sister's son, he's working and spoiling her parents. How bout you? When are you planning to spoil us again? Once you're in Baguio dapat yung responsibilities mo di mo iwan."

Even if I'm working before and doing a double part time, I didn't forgot about my responsibilities, not even once. I'm trying mybest to fulfill everything that they want so that can be satisfied, as I said, I only earned 7-8k or 140$ or 160$ per month before. I'm paying to my boarding house 60$ a month or 3000 including the electricity and I spend only 20$ for a food and another 20$ for the expenses and personal things. Yung sobra binibigay ko sakanila.

And what I want to say is:

As your daughter, I didn't forget any of my responsibilities except forgetting my own self just to satisfied you. Everything went well whenever I'm giving a money, but now, why it's not? I'm having a hard time too... I'm not complaining even if you were forcing me to give you a money, if you were asking me everyday about it. I just feel miserable everytime your telling me I'm not a good daughter because I can't give you some. Do I look like a robot to you where I can't feel anything? I'm not even deaf not to hear every words you spill. I'm not selfish when if comes to you because you're my mother. But how come it's easy for you to spill those words?

When my mother said, "I hope you die!", And I answered her, "Sana nga mauna ako". I didn't mean it, I don't want to die and I don't want to end my life for a moment. To be honest, I feel hopeless that my mother will change, her attitude towards me is sometimes okay and sometimes it's not. I don't really understand it, I felt like she only needs me because of a money.

And I wanna say;

This life of mine were precious, given by the God above that the one who knows until when I'm going to be alive. If there's a choices, like "Be alive", or "not."? I'll choose the second one. I didn't wish to be here, I didn't wish to be alive, I didn't wish to be your daughter, I didn't wish to disappoint you. If I disappointed you because of being born, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to disappoint you, I didn't mean to be here. I know, both of you are not expecting that you'll be pregnant and become a mother again, this child of yours don't have any idea how you suffer before because of the judgement, me too..you have no idea how am I cursing myself because of being here.

An Open Letter.

You know, I'm trying my best also. I'm not touching my weekly allowance so that I can give it you everytime you need it. I'm not being madamot or selfish, sometimes I need it also that's why I'm just putting it inside of my wallet. If I don't givr you a money, it doesn't mean that I am selfish. It's just that I need it also, I need it because I don't want to ask some money to the both of you to avoid any conflict. I'm respecting you anytime that you were insulting me, I'm still respectful to you even if says random story to other people which is not true. I am your daughter but why are you like that? You're acting like I'm not your daughter. You keot comparing me to the people who were successful in life at the young age, I want it too...but I have my limitations and I'm just a beginner in life who want to take a risk at everything.

OfficialGamboaLikeUs