8 Years ago: To the future me, are you happy? Or you're in a loneliness?

March 17, 2022.

This was my father's birthday, it's his 79th birthday. But no one sees something unexpected might happened, guess what it is? My father asked my mother to broke up with him.

I know it's normal since that thing happened many times, but I don't know the reason why I really feel down today. I mean, it's not like me who's gonna feel this way. Earlier in the morning today, I heard my mother and father were talking to each other. He asked my mother about her plan and he said, "I already told you when you're still pregnant but you still insist to keep her."

So I guess, they was talking about me.

I'm still me, what I used to be years ago. I didn't change, maybe the fact that I'm just being like this because of my surroundings. I mean, there's nothing wrong about me, about myself. It's just that, I don't feel well being around with my family. There's a voice inside me and a sadness that I felt whenever that they're around me.

I'm still me, what I used to be years ago. The fact that I can still smile despite of having a bad day, despite of knowing that my life is never been happy just like what it was. The things and people that I met now, I'm thankful of it.

I scanned my old notebook days ago which is from my grade 8 diaries, there's a question there saying, "To the future me, are you happy? Or you're in a loneliness?", That question was stuck on my mind up until now. It took me several days to figure out why I choose to write that, and I remembered that it was the time where my step sister on ny father's side tell me a story about what happened to the past and why they hated my mother that much.

Everything becomes clear, maybe before I still didn't understand why it is happening, why my stepsister told me the truth.

• What's the reason why did she speak up.

• What's the reason why she opened up everything.

• What's the reason why she let me know about it.

I was still in grade 8, when my sister told me that my mother is going to abort me but instead, she choose to kept me.

There's a lot of questions inside my head that keeps bugging me, kulang nalang iiyak at isigaw ko lahat hanggang maging manhid nararamdaman ko.

She told me, during the time that they caught my mother and my father doing adult things, they didn't expecting that I am the result, that there will be a result. I know I shouldn't question my self about this but I can't. I keept questioning myself and I keep asking myself, about why's.

As I become older, I realized how life run.. it's never been easy...

I just a clear answer, as I'm becoming okder, I'm looking for the answers where my questions are connected, but still I can't find them.

I feel the sadness between me keeping those questions who's breaking me apart all the time, I feel the thorn inside me asking myself if I am worthy to handle this life of mine where God gave me. I'm full of questions, questions where it's bugging me.

Last night, I want to cry, I want to shout and I want to let my feelings flow, that time I was talking to my partner. But I don't have a choice but to wipe my eyes and pretend that I am happy, that I don't have any problems that was on my mind.

I don't want them to exist, as long as I can smile and I can hide the sadnesses and pain inside me, I don't want to think that they are existing. Because for me, I'm no longer existing to the old me, but still this was me... it's still me.

I just can't explain how bad I feel right now.

• I can't explain how this things was tearing me apart, bow this things was hurting me secretly without showing them the emotions that I have.

I'm so tired to the point where I am hiding my feelings everytime, where I'm pretending that I'm happy even though that I'm not. Where when someone asked me if how I am, but I keep answering them that "I'm okay."

To be honest, whenever that I am answering those question, parang may bara sa lalamunan ko where I don't want to answer them honestly. Maybe, all this time I living to this word where everything for me was unappreciated.

What I want

• I want a peace of mind, where I'll be happy thinking that I'm good of everything. That the people who surrounds me want a good attention and not the messy one.

• I want happiness, seriously? I am wishing for this instead? Haha unbelievable.

Final Thought,

I'm so sorry for being too much inactive, I'm just not in the mood for like many days. I'll be renewing some of the sponsorship soon. Godbless everyone :)

Ps: sorry, this article was supposed a life rant again