I don't know. I can't understand. I'm confused. I'm tired.
Have you tried feeling that you are okay but you are not? Have you tried locking yourself out in a dark room because you do not want to see anything, as the moment a light passes through your eyes you will see a lot of things that you can't even understand. Have you felt the feeling that you are laughing but you are not happy. The feeling that you thought you are complete but you're not. Emptiness. That is what I am feeling. The feeling that you are alive, but not actually living.
This past few days, I may seem fine in social media. I may be laughing out loud talking with friends. I may be enjoying little chit chats on messenger. But it doesn't mean, I am totally fine. Because to be honest, I am not. I have been exhausted, both my mind and body. I have a lot of thoughts running in my mind. I have a lot of questions me myself failed to answer. I have a lot of things I wanted to do that I do not know how to start. They're confusing, that all I can do is cry. I just wanted to always wear my earphones and get swayed with the loud music. Hear nothing. Just the rhythm and the beat of what I am listening. Alone.
Everyday, I feel that I am just a robot programmed completely with what I need to do for a day. The same routine, repeatedly. Sleep, eat work. Sleep, eat, work. Sleep, eat, work. And it's stressing me out. I even lost my appetite. I do not know why. I do not know what I am really feeling. I can't understand. I am trying to be productive but I always end up getting annoyed.
I wanted to rest. The rest that I can really feel I am resting. A day that I do not need to force myself to work. A day that I can say I am happy. A day that I can relax my body and mind. I want to unwind. But how can I? I am stuck in the four corners of my room. Doing nothing. Unproductive. It seems that I am just doing things, because it is what needs to be done. Just a compliance. I feel like I torn between what I like to do and just not do it. I do not understand. I do not understand that I end up hurting myself. Pulling my hair down and bump my head to the wall.
For the first time, I thought of getting myself out of the picture. And while thinking of that, it burst me out to tears. How? How can I even do that? Is getting out of the picture will wipe all the emptiness I have? Is getting out of the picture will make me happy? Is getting out of the picture will help me? Thank God! I got to think of these questions, that I stopped myself from doing it. I almost give up. I almost stop.
I am being selfish, that all I think is my own will. Unreasonable will. What about the people around me? What about my family who is depending on me? What about my future self that is waiting for me? I need to think about them. I need to think of myself. I need to think of what I have started. I need to fight the feeling that's consuming me to do the unreasonable things.
It is okay not to be okay. The emptiness, the sadness, the pain that we are feeling just means that we are living. This is life. A not so perfect life. But embracing those negativities, and turning them to positive is what makes life perfect. It's okay to cry. Burst out in tears. It's okay to fall. But what's not okay, is not bouncing back. Dry your tears out. Move forward. Life is precious enough to just get wasted. Cry a little, continue bigtime. (Hilak gamay, padayon dako.)
That's all for today beautiful people. I hope you learned and get something good about my article for today. If you have any thoughts and take away about this piece, feel free to leave it in the comment section below. Let's interact. Stay safe always! Xoxo ✨☺️
- MissJo 💜
Aww, nabasa ko na pala ito dati din. and i relate so much. :( That feeling of absolute emptiness, the desire to do something but not finding the will to. Ang hirap kasi it's ourselves holding us back, and knowing that makes the feelings 10 times worse.