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I know that some of you might feel like you wanted to escape from the usual things that you do. Routine and everyday life sometimes can make you feel wondering about what life could have been if......

This is just a quick post about what happened on my day yesterday.

Initially, I planned to go to LTO early in the morning so I can get or apply for a student permit as I already finished my Theoretical Driving Course. My body clock changed for the past few days and I kind of feel tired from chores, taking care of LIl B while having a little assistance from my sister and brother-in-law.

I still managed to get some time posting articles here on Read.cash and that's usually around 2am onwards, then I can sleep around 3am or 4am. Finding time to write an article gets harder for me each day because I need to cook food for Lil B. She doesn't like boiled veggies now. Her taste buds are getting picky now. Oh by the way, I took pictures and I will try to post some of the food that I cooked for her.

I scheduled to wake up around 9am and go to LTO but because I fell asleep passed 4am, I woke up late. Well, perhaps I can do it next week? hahaah no, I need to go there soon.

Anyway, I wasn't able to follow my schedule in the morning. I decided to ask one of my bestfriends to help me look for a cellphone store. I was actually planning to buy a phone and use my other beshies creditcard, like what we did before.

Phone troubles

I have repaired my phone a few months ago, since I wasn't a techinician I wasn't able to stick it back the way it should be and now it looks like this.

We need to look for a store that accepts the credit card that we will use and with 0% interest. I was actually discussing this to my husband, however he wants to look for a 2nd hand phone instead. I didn't agree because he wants a 2nd flagship phone, which usually costs around 20k up. Our conversation ended up with, I will check phones and stores that we can use the credit card first, at the same time I can check the unit personally.

I told my beshie about this and she asked if my husband mentioned a particular model. Basically he wants a 2nd hand Xiaomi Mi series or s20 FE. Beshie told me her opinion and also checked on marketplace if there are any. She sent a link from a seller from Marketplace and my eyes got big, not because it's too pricy but the internal storage capacity at its offered price. I sent it to my husband and told him that I will contact the seller and check out the item's condition first.

I met up with the seller and waited for beshie too. Checked the item, asked a few questions and got shocked more. Instead of going with my original plan to buy a phone using my friend's credit card, I am considering to buy the 2nd hand unit that my beshie suggested.

She was shocked too and seems like it's too good for its price but then I decided to take it because there's another prospective buyer the following day.

Are you curious for the unit and the offered price?

It's a Xiaomi Mi 11t 5g, 8gb+3gb Ram with 256 GB internal storage. How much? For 17k. Looks pricy but if you'll compare it to its current price from stores it ranges from 20k to 25k.

I did buy the phone as my husband also agreed.

Chika with a guilt

Then beshie and I went to the mall for a quick chika session but after an hour my sister was messaged me if I am about to go home. Of course, I didn't take Lil B with me so they are baby sitting her for a few hours. I told my beshie that I need to go home with a sad face. We actually talked about a few things and I kind of opened up to her too about how I am feeling as a mother. I remembered telling her these things:

• Minsan sinasampal talaga ako ng katotohanan na nanay na pala ako (There were times that I am slapped with the truth that I am already a mother)

• Para sa taong hindi clingy katulad ko, minsan naiirita ako na laging may nakakabit saken. Ay, nagpapadede nga pala kasi ako hahaha! (I am not a clingy person and sometimes I get annoyed that she has to be with me all the time. Oh I am a breastfeeding mom so yeah hahaha)

• Minsan namimiss ko tumambay, nang di binabantayan yung oras kahit pagalitan ako ng nanay ko. (I miss spending time with you guys like before, we don't care about the time and how late we need to go home or if I get scolded by my parents)

• Minsan nahihiya ako magyaya na bumisita kayo sa bhay kasi di ako makapunta, kasi ikaw di mo naman pwede iwanan si Nanay ng overnight. (Sometimes I want to invite you guys to our house because I can't go out but you can't your grandma alone especially overnight)

• Minsan naiisip ko if timing ba na nagkaanak na kami. (Sometimes I think that maybe it wasn't the right time to have a baby)

Then I went home. I rushed in to the bedroom to get clothes and bathe. When I opened the bedroom door I saw my mother's eyes that she wasn't happy. It's like she wants to tell me that I was away for too long and I didn't even think that I have a baby to feed.

Honestly, I don't know what to feel. Guilt? a little anger? a little blame?

Guilt - Yes, I was guilty that I had to spend time for myself. I felt guilty that I needed to escape for just a few hours.

Anger - yes, because I want to be angry at my mother. I want tell her that I need to get out of the house for just a few hours so I can be myself. She didn't say a word though, that's why I can't get mad at her and I don't like to be an ungrateful B**** for them taking care of Lil B. I was just maybe waiting for the moment that if she'll say something like that, I'll lash out again.

Blame - yes, I kind of want to blame them somehow because I can see and observe that when they take care of Lil B, they always want to put her to sleep. She likes to do other things too. She doesn't need to be carried all the time, she just wants to play with them. But yet, I can't blame the people who takes care of Lil B.

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What do you do if you needed a little time for yourself?

What do you do to make you feel you are yourself again?

What do you need to do?

Love yourself? How can you love yourself if you barely have time for yourself?

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I don't want to sound to be very ungrateful but I know, yes, I am still lucky considering the fact that we are staying with my parents' house and I have someone to take care of Lil B.

But you can't blame me, I have a lot of suppressed anger and emotions since I was young. I know that I needed time for myself because I know and I can feel that may turn out to be a bad mother if I didn't. I know that to myself and I want to avoid that.

I don't this post to affect others' feelings as a mom too. I know that some of you may say that having a family wasn't easy and yeah bear with the consequences. I know. Well, I think that I just prepared myself physically, but not a 100% emotionally. Physical pain, yes I can endure for the longest time of my life. The line, 'you think you're ready but once you're there you might think you're not' hits me now. Maybe feeling like this is just an effect of my husband being away from us for a month now.

Okay, I think this is just for now. I'll try to post a much lighter ot happier post next time.

Aloha!