Thank you, I'm sorry

I came into the point in my life where I couldn't move on with the things I did in the past. This isn't me. I am not like this before. My friends always say I am one of the toughest girl they know since they seldom see me cry and get affected with things. But things changed when someone came unexpectedly.

I never thought that this someone can be my karma from all the things I did before to my past relationships. I guess this is God's way of teaching me the lessons in life to appreciate everyone whose intentions are pure. This is also God's way of reminding me to not take people for granted, to not think of just my own advantage.

I have this one special person I can't forget since the day we parted ways. I never really thought that he will leave me this kind of impact because I thought he was just like everyone else that I can easily forget. And I was wrong. We've been together for just a short time but those are the times when I felt so me, my true self. Those are also the times when I felt so much love, genuine love but I didn't realize that not until he was away.

They were right. That you will start appreciating the person when they're no longer around. I want to talk to him so much but I don't have the courage to start a conversation even saying simple "hi." My emotions are still heavy and I want to let them out by writing here. This would be like an open letter for him and I do hope he will be able to read this. I don't know when or in what way but, I will just hope. Who knows this can reach him.

Dear Stevan,

I did not greet you just to tell you goodbye.

My hugs are not meant to make you feel like I left you when I can't be able to do so. I will always hold the promise of not letting you go, even just in my heart and mind and not by my side.

We did not made memories just to be forgotten during times when we will not be able to see each other. Though we can't be together, I still value those precious memories we once shared because those are the ones I can only go back for I cannot go back to you.

I'm sorry for those times when I lied to you and said I'm busy but then I was with friends though I know you want to spend the days with me because you need to go back at a certain time. I enjoyed being with friends and just left you being alone, waiting and believing and I am not doing any fault in our relationship. One time you saw me with someone and I told you that was just a friend and you believed me because you love me. I should have ended everything wrong and continue to choose the right ones with you.

I'm sorry if I said I want to sleep but then I would sneak out without you knowing. One time you came to me and I was still asleep. You woke me up and told me you smell a scent of liquor but then I refused and get mad though it's true. And you were the one who said sorry.

We went to a restaurant that time and I forgot to block someone on messenger. Someone sent me a message, a sweet one and you just stayed silent and calm like nothing happened. You gave the phone to me and I saw the message was already read. I told you that message was not for me it's for my board mate and you just nod your head and smiled. After a while, you said,

That's just a chat. It's fine but don't let me see the two of you together with my own eyes.

But even with those faults I made towards you, you still love me the same everyday. You spoiled me with everything I need especially with love. I promised to myself that I will change but then it turned out that I was just fooling myself. I still made the same mistake. I am so sorry.

I wanted to say I missed you, forgive me and don't go but there are things that can't be made again once shattered. There are damages we cannot mend.

And so I stepped away but I left a trail of regret because it was me who left and didn't came back.

You will always be my favorite milktea and food buddy.

You will always be my favorite shopping guide and my dearest driver when I want to go somewhere.

You will always be the warmest hug.

And if I will never really find my where my heart belongs, I hope God could at least give me someone who can tell me that I still matter despite the pieces of me scattered everywhere. And that my heart is still beating. It's fine if it's not romantic. I don't need someone who can just hold my hands and kiss me. I can live without those. I long for someone who can touch my soul and understand the reason behind my secrets especially my past.

Because of what I did, I thought I will never be worthy of love. That no one will love me truly. But then I realized I still have my family and above all, I have God with me. The love they have for me is beyond measure and I couldn't ask for more. Love can be found in many ways so don't see it just in one way.

To you out there who thinks you don't deserve love because you've been into failed relationships, do know that God has perfect timing to each of us and His decisions are very much just and right compared to ours.

"When the time is right, I, the Lord, will make it happen." -- Isiah 60:22

God's plan for us is unique and wonderful so don't rush. Trust God's timing for the right person is worth the wait.

Thank you so much guys for reading! You've been so kind to me since day one.

Thank you so much again for your time! To my sponsors, upvoters and to those who comments, I am sending you my warmest gratitude! Let's talk and get to know each other well.

You can also reach me at marianovylhyn@gmail.com

Lead image is edited from Canva

Photo is taken from Unsplash.com

Ciao! ❤️