Seeking for medical help

I don't understand why most of us think that consulting a psychiatrist is only for people who lost their sanity and that when someone seek for psychiatric help, he then be placed in a mental hospital. Well, who am I to question them when I also think of it that way when I was still a kid. I guess television dramas influenced us that much.

Anyway, I came across my Facebook memories. I saw my shared post about panic attacks two years ago. I was thanking God for not letting me battle my anxiety and panic attacks way back 2019 when I was still in College. I thought this anxiety won't come back again but I was wrong and this time, it went on another level. When I am anxious about something or when I started to think about death (I don't know why I always think about this), I can feel that my mouth and throat stiff. I can't control my hands and legs too as if they are paralyzed. Consequently, palpitations follow because I'll be nervous and worried making me unable to breathe. Honestly, I am so tired of this panic attack. This stole my happiness because I always worry. This panic attack also made unable to take care of my baby well because I would let someone take care of her while I am feeling uneasy. I hate it the most because everytime my boss at work would instruct something, I immediately forget what she said that's why I always bring my pen and paper so I can take note of what she's saying. I hate this. I lose my attention to details.

I am glad that I am now working because I feel okay when I am at work, I mean I am mentally fine. No panic attacks and all. Just my boss who lets me do several tasks at the same time. Lol. Though it's very exhausting to work in the office where I am in, I am still happy because I live the normal life I used to have before.

However, when it's time to go home, my panic attacks start to kill me again while I and my partner are heading home. Maybe because I keep on thinking of that time when my whole body numb while we were riding on a motorcycle. I am thinking that what if it will happen again today or maybe tomorrow or the next day. I guess this is one of the reasons why my panic attacks occur.

I am really tired of this. I miss me. I miss my life. I miss waking up without the fear of dying. I miss sleeping at night with calm mind and heart. I already did my best not to be anxious and worried with the little things around me but my mind won't stop me from thinking about it. My mind would always play those times when I almost died because I wasn't able to breathe.

I want to live normally again so I decided to seek medical help from a psychiatrist. I asked my co-workers if they know what hospital has a psychiatrist. Glad that one of the nearest hospital here has a psychiatrist on duty during the second and third Saturday of the month.

I messaged the hospital's page and they replied in a minute. I ask for the consultation fee and I was surprised because it's too pricey for me. The consultation fee is 1,000 php ($20.00). Well, this is not a normal consultation between a doctor and someone who's not feeling well.

I really want to contact them and have an appointment but I have nothing in my pocket that's why I write this evening with high hopes of Rusty, giving me higher tips than the usual. I still have this evening and tomorrow and I am hoping I can earn even half the price of the consultation fee. I really wanted to heal that's why I am this desperate to earn.

I know God is with me as I battle this challenges and again, he won't let me battle this alone.