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I don't know what happened to my hormones why I am feeling so down lately. I am not even sure if my hormones have something to do with my mood swings. I just felt like I am lost these days and every person I would rely on doesn't really care about me. I know you have this feeling too sometimes when you think you don't matter to anyone. What's even making it worse is when the people who you consider as your closest and would think of you as someone important, would also turn their backs on you.
I am not counting of the times I helped them but I just find it so unfair. Let me quote a line from the movie I watched earlier. I forgot the title but I do remember the line.
The actor said, "Life isn't fair. Human world is unfair."
And then my pessimist side goes on again. I guess I viewed life that way as what the actor does. Life really is unfair. Some are happy and some are lonely. Other children are in a very good condition while the rest are sleeping on the cold street every night without the comfort of any sheet. Others eat their dinner nicely while the rest need to look for every garbage and see if there's something to eat. Some people are also living healthy while the rest are suffering from illness, even those young ones. Some are also working lightly but got high compensation than the rest who are working under the heat with much effort. Just like the farmers.
Can you not consider it unfair? Because for me this isn't even. Why can we just all be happy and live a life nicely. Why can't we all just have a family who loves us without any condition.
This morning, I received a message from my grandma. I don't know if I interpreted it well but her texts were like saying I should not get married because I still have a lot of responsibilities. She didn't said it that straight but the thought was very clear. My grandma loves me. I know that very well but sometimes, she just doesn't know she's been putting a lot of pressure on me since I was still studying. She's always saying that I should get a job as a teacher, only as a teacher because that's what she wants. And when I am a teacher, I would prioritize the construction of our home and provide them monthly allowance. I talked back to her because she's been counting the eggs already without knowing the chicken would hatch. I told her in a nice way to take it a little slow and to let things go in their own natural course. Everything takes time. I'm still 23 and I can't make it for now. But I didn't said I won't. I just want to give everything time.
The pressure has been the major reason of my anxiety. One time, the night after graduation in College, I again had panic attacks because I've been thinking a lot. I was thinking what my life would be after graduation and if I can pass the Licensure Examination for Teachers. Unknowingly, my body froze and I can't breath again. I tried hard to fight it but then my body can't. I was rushed to the hospital and checked and the doctor found out that there's no complication in my body. What I'm experiencing is a product of anxiety -- fear of the future.
The doctor advised my grandma to not put pressure on me but then my grandma just can't understand the concept of anxiety. She thinks that I'm over reacting and I can control what I am thinking. I made her understand but she can't because she won't and this has been one of our problems. She doesn't know that her dreams build my anxiety. I am not complaining because I am willing to create the dream for them it's just that I needed time for everything.
My grandma's texts got me into thinking again. Why she's always afraid of me not being able to sustain/help them. Am I just born to continue the dream they want but they weren't able to do so? Or am I just here because I was made to do whatever they want me too? I want to do things my way and I let them understand it already. I also hate that they're comparing me to everybody who's successful. I love grandma, my family but sometimes, I just don't understand them. Even if I already let them know what I feel, still the actions are the same. I know I shouldn't rant here but I do want to share everything I felt where I will not be judged.
But hey, don't let the negative vibes in here get to you. Just continue to be happy because you deserve it and I deserve it too. Hoping these emotional side of me ends.
Have a good evening lovelies!
Thank you so much guys for reading! You've been so kind to me since day one.