Everyone thinks I am unconcerned

"When an accusation is thrown at you that does not fit you, when it doesn’t capture what you know to be true about yourself or your behavior, mentally flip it back on your partner. He is likely accusing you of what he is doing or feeling. Accusations can be about the narcissist’s own vulnerabilities and weaknesses." - Ramani Durvasula, Should I Stay or Should I Go?: Surviving a Relationship with a Narcissist

The words you receive from someone might not reflect you at all the time. It might be the true reflection of that person who relay you the message. Or maybe sometimes, neither of both. The accuser just wants you to be perfect and so he throws words to make you do so.

I was not born perfect and I will never be one.

I woke up at 5 AM. Yes, it's early than my usual time of waking up. I just feel like it to wake up that early or perhaps it's because I slept unhappy last night. That's also the reason why I was not unable to publish anything. Yesterday I was okay. I was with my family and spent over my day with them. I also had a quick hang-out with some of my friends.

We had snacks and talked about things that are new for us to catch up with each other's affair. Until I reach home and rest.

Evening came and I receive such discouraging words from someone. I will not drop the name but this person is so much close to me. He said that I looked like I don't care about everyone else's opinion about me wherein fact they just care about my welfare. It seemed like I just disregard the words from the elders and do everything I want. I should have been talking to them, bond with them but then I was just spending my time alone in one room. Locked myself in there and kept sleeping. He also said that I should go out and exercise. And not to act like I don't care.

Actually I'm not shocked about it because this is not the first time I heard this. This has been always the cause of arguments. I don't like being questioned of what I I'm doing. I'm at the right age and I'm still in the right frame of mind. Yes, I won't deny that I'm always in the room, locking myself in there but I am not lazy. Yes, sometimes I may not be able to socialize to people but that doesn't mean I don't like to be with them. There are just days that I just want myself to be alone to have my "me" time.

Little do they know that I'm not sleeping all the time I was in the room. I answered the modules I was tasked to do so and it's not easy because there are a lot of modules in every course. Every module also has different tasks that are not easy to do. I spent my time in the room just to finish it as soon as I can. The time frame to finish the module is 4 months but then I'm almost done in just a month. And they don't know that because they are not asking. They just conclude based on what they saw on the outside. Should asking be the first thing to do before passing judgment?

Little do they know that not temporarily working does not make me less of a person. I asked for a leave from work because my eyes are not in condition. Since my work is online teaching, I can't avoid not to face the computer. My work doesn't also allow us to have our day offs during weekends since those days are peak hours and we are obliged to work from 9 o'clock in the morning to 10 o'clock in the evening. Imagine how much radiation would I get from that. We couldn't argue since we are center-based, not home-based and we should follow the set standards of the center. Unlike those teachers who have all the equipment and facilities at home that they are the one who control when to work depending on their availability. We don't have that equipment and all to teach online so I settled to being in the center where in they provide all and ready for teaching but then 30% of your salary would go to the center. If you have a salary of 1,000 pesos, 300 of it would be auto-deducted. For me I think this is too much. It's okay if your salary will be deducted once every month but no, it's twice. Our salary is deducted every cut-off and there are two cut-offs in one month. But then that's still fine than not having a job during this hard times.

I worked for 6 months there and after, I decided to have a leave just to rest and to prioritize first my health. I would just get back when everything is fine. I miss teaching but then my health is more important.

Even though I'm not yet working again, I still earn just being at home. Glad that I met read.cash. Thanks to @Zhyne06 for always giving me a push to join in and encouraged me everytime I feel like this platform is not for me. Though I felt I must give up, I didn't because I am thinking of the future. That I should he financially independent working or not. That I should be able to provide because I am the eldest.

Thanks to read.cash

Slowly I am able to provide for myself and to my family. And this is one of the reasons why I chose to stay inside my room. I am writing. I am writing to earn, I admit that. But that's not the only reason. I am also writing to communicate and to be understood.

People who don't understand what I am after of would think I'm unconcerned of everything. That I only think of my own and it hurts me. That's why before I sleep last night, I let out all the heartaches that have been compiled like a wall. As a result, I feel better. I feel better when I woke up.

As early as I am awake, I decided to have a walk from home to somewhere. As I pass by, rays from the sun touched my skin like patting me, telling me it's fine. The wind also soothes me like hugging me to stop from thinking.

The birds, the dogs, and the cats that I saw on my way comforts me like they are smiling sweetly. Consequently, I came back with a happy heart.

They only saw one side me and that's why ...

Everyone thinks I'm unconcerned.

Thanks for reading, lovelies! I do hope you'll enjoy your Sunday. Be blessed!

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