And I know I am not alone

"I'm not a bad mom for thinking I miss my life before or I just miss being me."

"And I know I am not alone."

This evening, I saw these lines from the TikTok video of ash.ciri. She was carrying her baby while swinging the baby gently to sleep while she was crying. I can say that the feeling she showed there is genuine unlike those other videos on TikTok. Of course she's a mother and she won't lie what she feels inside. Perhaps she doesn't have someone to share her problems with at home or maybe she does but she won't tell so she chose to let the emotions out through TikTok. When I saw her video, my tears automatically fell non-stop for I can feel what she's feeling. Up until now, I am still overwhelmed with the situation I am in and I can't complain because this happens already and it's the result of what I chose to do.

Being unable to complain makes it more hard for I blame myself everyday. It doesn't mean that I regret having a baby. In fact, I am so happy to see her everyday and know that she came from me. My baby is on top of my priority. However, I can't avoid to be sad at some time. Just like the the message I saw on TikTok video, I also miss my life before. I miss my me time. I miss being careless and crazy and free. The kind of life that I have no one to think of rather than myself.

Just at this time, my friends came by and they plan to go to the newly-opened videoke house just near our place. They told me to come over but then I am having a second thought if I should go or not because of my baby. I cannot go anywhere I want to for I need to breastfeed my baby whenever she wakes up hungry. Unlike before, I will just go freely even without a permission from my grandparents. But now, things have changed greatly. Before I think of myself, my own happiness, I need to consider and weigh things if they will be good for my baby. Ugh, the struggle of breastfeeding moms. Don't get me wrong tho, I am very thankful because I am blessed with milk and I am able to breastfeed my baby. It's just that I sometimes envy the life of those moms who are using formula milk for they can go without great worry if their baby would wake up and get hungry. Although there are milk formula that can replace mother's milk, breastfeeding is still the most recommend by the doctors for it has many health benefits for both babies and moms.

I am not saying that moms using formula milk are living their lives like teenagers because I know they are not. Yes they can go where they want to but I am sure wherever they go, they are doing their best there though they are tired to earn for baby's milk and for the family needs.

In my case, I am not the type of woman who wants to be at home. What I mean is that I really want to work. I consider myself as a working mom rather than being at home. There's no wrong being a housewife tho. I just really want to work and earn. Would this make me a bad mom? I am not really sure of what is going on my mind. Today, I am happy and the next day I will be sad and lonely for I feel like I am alone and everyone is my foe. It seems like I am wrong at all times especially in taking care of my baby. Are these feelings normal for first time moms? Are these also part of postpartum depression? Because if yes, I think I will be in a big trouble and get crazy later on. I have an anxiety and having a depression will make me insane.

What I also hate is me being a cry baby. I was not like this before. I was the type of person who doesn't cry easily because I don't want someone to think of me as weak or see me crying. I really hate that and so I control my tears not to fall. But during and after my pregnancy, I cannot control my tears anymore even though I tried really hard. My tears betrayed me. I really hate this. When could this be over? I'm so fed up with this.

I just hope that my sanity will continue its occurrence whenever I nurse my baby. It's not good for me to cry especially when I am breastfeeding her. Some studies claimed that babies can get affected when their moms are stressed. As a result, they will be stressed too and might fuss during feeding. I guess this is also the reason why my baby is fussing sometimes when I feed her. Oh my! I feel so sorry for not being a good mom.

I pray to God that He will give me enough strength to overcome this postpartum (in case it is) so I can take care of my baby the right way and these worries of mine will go away. I really hate myself for considering everyone as my enemy when they just want the best for me and my baby.

I just hope that the people around me will understand me and won't get tired in dealing with the unstable feelings I have right now.

So sorry for this content. I don't have anything in mind this evening and I am also crying while typing this. I need to stop and end this drama now. I can imagine myself being ugly with this crying face.

Good evening!

Thank you fam for supporting me. I may not be able to respond immediately but I promise I'll make it up when I have the time. Thanks to my sponsors and to those people who upvote my posts. You guys are big help.

I also want to thank @Eylz2021 for the sponsorship renewal. God bless you more, sis! I am happy to know that you still support me though I am not as active here as before.

Ciao! ❤️