22:53

As much I want to be here all the time, motherhood and parenting life would always be at my top priority. Oh my! I never thought it would be this hard that sometimes, I thought of my single life and how free and unbothered I was. I love being Clea's mother but I so miss me before. I miss those times when I slept late at night and woke up late too for I don't have a crying baby that will wake me up. I miss those days when I can still pamper myself and buy everything I want for myself. I miss those times when I go to work for I cannot do it as of this moment. I also miss my friends and our bonding. I miss my life before when I don't need to take care of anyone rather than myself. I miss being dead drunk and mad at the party. I miss my grandma's text wanting me to go home. I miss my grandma's music waking me up everyday. Am I a bad mother for thinking that way?

I know this is what I chose so I shouldn't complain and that's right. Actually, I think I am not complaining. What I feel is just missing my life before. I admit I am tired now and will be tired for a lifetime because I need to double everything especially my effort. We know raising a child ain't a joke for it entails all of what we have. Yes we see moms out there being happy like they aren't tired at all but the truth is they are. They are just not showing it because they already embraced what motherhood is. One thing is that they've been though it so it's easy for them be a mom again.

I believe it's understandable for a first-time mom to be lonely sometimes and to make mistakes because that's where we learn. Lonely because sometimes we felt we are alone and everyone cannot feel that we are tired and we need help. We also make mistakes because who isn't? That's why I get annoyed sometimes when my boyfriend's mom would try to comment on the way I dress Clea like when I am changing Clea's clothes, she would show up and will say I am too lousy. She would also say something whenever we buy something for Clea. When I was still pregnant before, I really liked to buy something for Clea like clothes for her, diapers, baby's Essential needs and anything that's for baby but then my boyfriend's mom would object saying that we shouldn't buy because Clea is not there yet. And I was like why is she the one making the decision for my baby? I didn't even ask money from her. I didn't answered her anyway for I still have respect so I just ignored her like I always do. Let's not talk about her anyway lol.

These past few days, Clea has got a fever because she's been infected by us here who got a fever too. When our fever was over, she's the last one who got it the reason why I panicked again. We immediately went to her pediatrician to seek for immediate medication. Her pediatrician told us to get laboratory results of her urinalysis and CBC for maybe she got a UTI or worse an infection that cause her fever. I was really nervous that time because Clea has a history of infection when she was still a newborn. I don't want that to happen again. To ensure that she's fine, we followed her pediatrician's advise and get the laboratory results. With God's grace, Clea didn't have an infection nor UTI. She didn't have a fever as well. Thank God because I don't want to be in the state of worry where I almost got paranoid when Clea's body temperature got into 38 °C. But after her fever, Clea caught cough and cold and so her pedia gave her medicine for it too. I really feel bad for letting Clea take 3 types of medicine syrup/three times a day. I think that she's too young to take that amount of drugs but I can't do anything for she needs it to heal. I just hope she will he completely fine so I can sleep peacefully at night.

Oh, when did I get a peaceful sleep since I gave birth tho? Lol.

So yeah that's the reason why I am absent again. Electricity hasn't came back too and getting a good signal strength to upload everything is a hard time here so please don't think I am ignoring everything. Praying that everything here in our town will go back to normal again so I can be active as I was.

Have a good evening lovelies and stay safe all the time especially that new Covid variants are everywhere.

22:53 - Time of writing (no photos to show since I can barely get a good signal strength)

Thank you fam for supporting me. I may not be able to respond immediately but I promise I'll make it up when I have the time. Thanks to my sponsors and to those people who upvote my posts. You guys are big help.

I am extra thanking @Niazi675 and ms. @FarmGirl for the sponsorship renewal. Tho I am not active here these days, you still support me. Love yah!

Ciao! ❤️