The Search

Date: Wednesday, 10th of November, 2021
Published by: Greatwolfman

The search was on, I was trying to find who I was in a world filled with challenges and responsibilities. Everyone wants to be the judge at the same time as the jury and executioner. You can not afford to make any mistake because If and when you do, they will all rally at you filled with hateful and condescending speeches that will force you into a spot where you just want to rip out your shirt and scream "Leave me alone".

People wanted me to change, it was like I was supposed to fit into their definition of what a human should look like, why didn't they just get it to their thick skull that I just wanted to be me, and if they didn't like it, they could just walk out the door, instead of adding to my stress.

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I often confuse my story with Nate, probably because I find his lyrics relatable. Did you also notice how our names kind of rhyme - Great <-> Nate. His songs really get to me on a different level, he is just one of those artistes that focus more on the message they are passing rather than beats just so people can dance. This could also be me just ranting on and hating on them because I can't dance.

I have dedicated more time to my self-growth but it looks like I will be needing more if I'm going to reach the level of self-actualization. The more I learn, the more confused I get which is why I think I will need more time, perhaps when I'm really old and grey I would be a lot wiser, that is if my memories don't fail me.

Every day, I set out on a really vibrant mood, full of hope, joy, and life but soon I return to the dark depths of emptiness as soon as the sun hides behind the clouds and night falls again. It's so lonely and scary too.

Many years ago, I was in preschool and our class teacher told us to write an essay on what we would like to be in the future. I remember I wrote something like "when I grow up, I want to buy a big Aeroplane". A big dream for a simple boy some would say, everything looked so easy and I was so full of hope, now I'm old enough and only just realized that there is still a lot of work and things to do to finally make that dream a reality. A part of me even thinks it's nothing but a child's dream.

Some days, the pressure is so much that I close my eyes and get lost in my imaginations, my happy place. Let me go back to when I only had to worry about what cartoon show would be coming up next, which shoes I will be getting for Christmas, and what part of the fried chicken I will eat. Life was so much simpler. I saw some preschoolers the other day and I wondered what must be going on in their minds, they probably have no clues yet as to what challenges life has to offer.

I hate myself for being this way, I should be happy. I have good friends and a loving family to support me, so why am I still sad? why can't I just be happy? Why do I feel so alone? I miss the days when I could do everything I wanted without caring what other people thought about it.

I know you are probably thinking to yourself, why let other people decide your happiness, no excuses there, but I was so young and naive and I thought the definition of being the good son was to please everyone. My perspective and outlook on life were blurred but experiences helped me see things from a clearer view.

I like this person I'm becoming. Things are not completely better but at least I know I have options, to stay happy and hopeful or sad, I choose the former, I'm sure you know why by now. I don't think the "thinking" will end anytime soon, but it's a work in progress as I do my best to not give trauma the satisfaction of getting a victory.

NF - Nathan Feuerstein is an American Rapper (arguably the best rapper in the world, yes, I said it, come at me). He published the Album - "The Search" in 2019. I remember I was so addicted to this album that I played it every single day and memorized every single line. I found the lyrics very relatable, you might too if you listen closely.

I wrote this article based on this album making use of the title of each song as a phrase in my article. If you look at this carefully, you will observe that Music is simply articles with a tune.

• The Search

• Leave me alone

• Change

• My stress

• Nate

• Time

• Returns

• When I grow up

• Only

• Let me go

• Hate myself

• I miss the days

• No excuses

• Like this

• Options

• Why

• Thinking

• Trauma

Source

Lead image Source: Unsplash