When anxiety Attacks

It's currently midnight as I am making this draft. I was already asleep but I was awakened for no reason. I can't go back to sleep. I'm supposed to think of something to write in the morning and upload it also. I was not in good shape today. Well, like the weather today, it was so fair and sunny but around noon the clouds darkened and it rained. Everything was so fine and all good in the morning. I was being productive. I ate my lunch happily because my viand is adobo which is my favorite.

I had two classes in the afternoon with my grade 5 pupils which I ended very early. It was not my intention to corrupt time but I had an anxiety attack in the middle of the class. We were discussing ratio and proportion when I burst into tears. At first, I felt like my heart was being crumpled. I tried to hold it in but I don't know what keeps on triggering it but I heard voices again in my head. I stopped for a while and turn off my camera so they will not notice the sudden changes in my expression. I look across the room and I saw my colleague busy doing her thing. I drank water to calm myself. I felt relieved after that. The discussion continued but for no reason again I felt the same sensation and it has greater intensity. We were solving something while I'm showing them my whiteboard for the solution but I can't hold it anymore. I ended the class right away and went to the washroom and there I burst myself into tears. I opened the faucet to let the water drip and cover the noise I'm making.

Seconds after, I heard knocks on the door. They're telling me to get out. But, I don't want to because I messed up. There wasn't enough space in the washroom, I held into something for support because I felt anytime I'm gonna collapse. I didn't notice that the thing I held on to was the diverter valve of the shower so all the water came to me. I was soaked in water, I feel extra cold and I can feel the palpitation in my heart and the chaos in my mind. Just then they opened the door with a spare key.

The next thing I knew I was covered in a towel and two of my colleagues were crying out probably because they pity me. My boss came in too and gave me a glass of water. She was rubbing my back trying to comfort me. I am so ashamed to face everyone, especially her because I was not able to properly do my job today. I kept on saying sorry about everything even if it doesn't relate to them. But, she just told me to let everything out. That's the worst part because I do not know how to let it out because I got used to keeping everything in me. I feel like I'm going crazy. For all I know, I was already fine but it keeps on coming back. I was given a sedative to help me calm down. When everything feels so light, it felt like it was as if nothing had happened.

It's Friday today and I took a day off. I didn't want actually but my boss suggested that it would be better if I rest today. I'm feeling light-headed now. This wasn't the first time I had an anxiety attack but it's the first time people saw me in that worst phase of my life.

I lost interest in everything that I liked to do. BTS, reading, k-drama, talking to my sister, gaming, etc. It's only writing that remained probably because there's nothing else I could do to write what I feel. I am praying for healing because I don't think I can still handle another anxiety attack.

I felt sorry for my pupils yesterday, they were asking if I was okay. To my boss, who cares a lot, and my colleagues who comfort me. I wished I could be able to express truly and put it all in words what is making my heart heavy.

This is such another disturbing entry.

I wish you all a good life :)