I know asking God for my bad situation isn't right, but I just want to ask questions what did I do to deserve all the shits I have this life? Am I not deserving to have a father? Am I not deserving to have a loving mother? Am I not deserving to grow in a complete and healthy family?
Since I was young, I was obedient. I am even scared to talk back to anyone because I thought I have to be a good girl so people will treat me better, but I was wrong the more obedient and soft I become the more people keep torturing me, to take advantage of my innocence and weakness. That's when I learn to fight for myself coz no one will do it for me.
Just because my father is a married man and got an affair with my mom, they had me from a mortal sin, I was going to pay all the karma for them? Why? I'm innocent, I didn't choose this path. Why I have to bear the punishment of the things I didn't do, why?
I grow up in an environment with people not accepting me because they saw me as a result of mistake. Even my own mother, she tortured me a lot when I was young not just physically but emotional and mentally. The scars that I got from her beating fade away, but the scars she made from torturing me mentally and emotionally are forever engraved in my heart. Nothing can erase and conceal it.
This is why I'm asking what did I do to deserve all these shits in life? I can bear being a fatherless child, it was a tough battle but having a mother that hates you for who you are is even worse! 😭
“Anak ka sa yawa! Liwat ka sa imong papa yawa! Ikaw ang nagdalag dimalas sa akong kinabuhi. Ikaw ang hinungdan nagka litsi litsi akong kinabuhi. Wala kay pulos aning kalibutana! Salot ka!” that's what she always tell me before even if I didn't do anything or if I didn't take care of her other children well way back. I was young, I need care too but she didn't give me any of that. Imagine how painful it is receiving all those words from your own mother. She raised me physically but she's killing my soul.
She made me feel that being born and alive in this world is my debt to her, and that I deserve whatever she does to me.
I thought we're fine, I thought we reconciled, I thought she have change. Some people will tell me, she's your mother. You must understand her, I tried. But have they thought about me? Have they ask, how it is to be me? How I was when she was torturing me. She was supposed to be my ally, because I have no one in this world only her as my father abandoned me..but she was the biggest influenced of how my soul tore into pieces.
A fatherless child and a mother not accepting her own child is painful, how much more when she keeps all the blame to the child for all her misfortune, it's MEGAKILL!
When a child didn't receive any love from home, she can never receive it anywhere either as all things starts from home. Just imagine how much I suffered outside from “home” endless bullying, sexual harassment and disrespect.
Nobody knows that because nobody is there for me way back, I didn't tell my mother either, she wishes me to die anyway, why would she care when I experience all of those? Imagine I fought all of those ALONE! overcome all the trauma's and nightmare alone!
When I was an infant, mother drunk a pesticide to commit suicide causing me to breastfeed on my step grandma. She didn't die, as she was brought into hospital right away. She committed suicide because she can't accept having me. Just imagine how selfish she is, wishing to die leaving an innocent infant that needs a mother.
This isn't a biased story, there are a lot of stuff she did I can't write anymore or else I might turn this one into a book.
Yesterday we had an argument, I burst out everything. All the stuff she didn't know, my sufferings and etc. But you know what, she didn't care. All she said,
“Despite that I'm a bad mother, you should not treat me like that. You should not scold me or reprimand me, coz I am your MOTHER!”
See, playing the card of DEBT. In fact, I didn't even wish to exist in this world. If I can flip the time, I would never choose to live coz I have seen how worst the path I've taken just to deserve this “existence.”
I just asked her what's her problem in DM because she keeps posting as if nobody of her children cares for her. Then she replied very ill to me, and blabber all the stuff and keep repeating “I have change because I already have money.” Like, I should stop because money will be gone but good character remains, coming from who? To person who never showed me how to have a good character.
I always wrote before “don't judge my mother” I'll still, tell you this.. don't judge her, I just wrote this.. at least anyone of you knows my side of the story. That if I asked “if I untangle my connection to my blood related for my mental health sake's, is it good or bad?”
This is why married men should think twice impregnating other woman, they should think about the child's fate, not unless they'll acknowledge them like Billionaires dad's did, like Elon Musk LOL.
Sorry, I'm just too emotional since last night. This is why I'm asking, God, what did I do to deserve all of these?
Behind this strong and bullet proof woman is a soul that was badly broken. Until now, I'm still battling all the after shocks mentally. It's a battle I'm gonna fight until lifetime.
Lead Image: Milada Vigerova (Unsplash)