First, I don't know if I should call you dad. I don't even know if you ever know my existence, but well can I just call you dad just for the sake of the title of this article? Just now, please.
You know what since I came into the world, or shall I say when I started to understand things at a young age I already know I don't have a father. If in drama movies, usually, the protagonist grows up without knowing who their dad was or only knows that their dad already died.
How did I know since then that I don't have a dad at a young age then? Well, I almost hear it every day. You know my mom hates me because she can remember you through me, she remembered that she was fooled by you by just seeing me. She keeps calling me that I am a daughter of the devil, which is you. She'll beat me for lame reasons and she'll blame me for all the misery that she had been through because you fooled her and you left her when she was conceiving with me.
I was bullied even by my mother because she hated what happens to her, although she should not blame me as I was innocent and it's not my fault but as I grew up I've learned to understand how she feels because she had been through a lot since she was impregnated by you. She's been named a slut, even if she's only a victim as well. I know she had lapses as well and responsibilities with all her actions but she's just too fragile as well, that she hardly accept what happens to her.
Do you know that my mom committed suicide when I was still an infant because even if she already gave birth to me, she can't still accept and understand everything? She decided to end her life by drinking pesticides. She doesn't think that if she died, what happens to me? It's a good thing g she was brought to the hospital right away, the reason I have to breastfeed with my step-grandma is that I might be poison as well if I'll feed on her directly as I was still an infant, and easy to be infected. You know what, when I know that story what did I told to myself? I said I wish she should have breastfed me so I'll die early and I don't have to endure everything, every misery that I have to go through just because you left us.
The misery doesn't stop there, you know that I grew up without any friends because kids are only bullying me and their parents will tell them “don't play with her because her mom is a slut and she doesn't have a father.” Did you know that I only have myself at that time because I can't tell anyone that I am being bullied, as no one cares even my mom? I can live without friends, it doesn't matter to me but why do they have to keep hurting me even if I didn't do anything to them just because I don't have you? Why can't they be nice and be grateful that they have a father, a complete family because it's not easy to be me? Sometimes I wonder how it feels to have a loving father, how it feels to have a father who will be there for you in times of trouble, and until now I still wonder if I had you by my side would there be a difference in my situation right now?
Some people asked me, “Why don't you look for your father?” and I was like why would I find the person who left me in the first place?
They said it's vital to my growth as I was incomplete without knowing you, yes I am not complete because there's always a missing piece in my whole being and that is you but I already accepted that in this lifetime, I can have everything if I strive hard except you. The only thing I can't have in this lifetime is a father, a father who will always be the first love of his daughter, a father that will always be willing to do everything just to protect her princess. I already accepted that I wasn't born to be a princess but I was born to be a female warrior, I was born to conquer all the battles in life without relying on anyone.
They said you are already dead, I don't know and I don't have plans to dig deeper. I am too tired of battling since the beginning and I don't have enough time to waste just to find you. Even if you don't ask how I was, don't worry I am fine. Not fine but I can handle it all, without you, without your help. As I said, I was born to be a warrior and a warrior will always try their best to win their battles no matter what.
That's all, I can't tell you any meaningful words, like thank you for being a sperm donor because if I had a choice I wouldn't have existed in the first place as I'll never choose you to be my dad.
-Eybyoung
Lead Image before Edit from: Unsplash (Derek Thomson)
Hello there!
If you wonder why I wrote this, I just saw a movie that I was relatable to. She didn't know her father when she was still young, then when she grows up she found out that her dad was still alive but already had another family. Then she finally met her dad, when they faced each other she get a small box and inside the box are the letters that she wrote for her dad. Then I've got ideas that why should I not write him as well since I didn't do it at all?
So yeah, that's my letter for the man who is only a sperm donor and was never a father to me.
Date Published: September 26, 2021
Sending hugs, stay strong always