Why it is hard to live as a Psychopath?
To be honest, I don't know what happened to me right now. I don't know how I start this article right now but i just want myself to let out all of the messy thoughts that running to my head since the beggining when i started to be depressed.
Seriously? I don't know myself anymore. I don't know how but I think i am crazy already. Crazy because I never show my true colors when I was in front of the people around me.
Should I describe myself? It's been so long when I noticed this kind of side of me but I neglected it because I don't want to admit that I have this kind of behavior now. I am... not at my usual self anymore and this is the result of the things that i experienced in the past. Because even though, it's all happened years ago, I still can't get over by it and it's hard to forgot those sad, painful, and torture memories that i experienced to the hand of the people around me.
How can I forgot those memories? It's not easy to forget those because it's a traumatic experience for me.
Many people hated me because of my behavior to them right now. They always complain why I act like this. They always see me as a person who doesn't know how to show.respect, they always see me as a person who just buy things for myself, they always ser me as an opossite of their favorite.
Little thing that they didn't know, they didn't know me well. They didn't know how I've been through from my childhood experience until now, they didn't understand what, how, the reason why I am being like this because they never experience what I experienced before.
I admit that I am not kind to them
Why? Simple, because I don't like them. How can i be kind to the people who became a reason why I am being like this now? They make me as a person who have a stone heart. I distance myself to them because I don't like to be hurt again.
It's better to be unkind person instead of treating them with a plastic behavior.
They complain that i am not going out to the house
Without knowing that i hate to be with them already. I don't eat meals with them, I don't chitchat with them always, I am staying at my room because this is the safer place for me.
You want to know the reason why?
I experienced bullying from my family
I can't believe that, my family will be the one who will bring me down. They bully me by my appearance. I am always their topic to lighten the mood and their laughef echoed to my head and ears everytime and covered it with my both hands when I go out and i hated it so I don't go out anymore.
Another thing is, when I was in front of them, everytime that they laughed or smile at me, I always think that i am their topic so, it's hard for me to stay outside with many people.
I experienced being Slap by my Aunt and my Uncle Slap my upper head with my book
That's the reason why, I hated my cousins. I hated them because they never experienced those things that i experienced from their parents. I hate them smiling and being the favorite so I always nag and being unkind to them.
Don't blame me, because everytime that i remembered it, it's still hurts especially when i am looking at their child's faces. It makes me think that i wanted to slap them too and experience what i experience to their parents. However, I just choose not to and just nag at them instead.
I don't know if this is still me and I don't know if i'm still on my right mind because it's hurting me now. I mean, I broke down in tears earlier because it's hurting my head when i think of myself. Asking if I am still the same person before.
It's hard to become okay in front of everyone. It's hard to be act normal in front of them but in my mind, When I always see them, I wanted to k!ll them and experience the things that i experienced before.
No one understand how I feel. No one understand that i am suffering that sometimes, I thought, It's okay to end my life because it's makes me become crazy now. A person that when i was infront of everyone, there is a devil side that telling me to do bad and i hated it.
The only thing that i am doing right now to calm myself is to make my self busy. Busy eating snacks, busy watching, sleeping, and i tried doing live on my facebook account to entertain myself.
Before typing these words right now, do you know that I locked the door of my room, and I covered my ears earlier.because it's attacking me again. I don't feel anything right now but anger but i'm trying to calm myself and go out later if i can and smile in front of them like nothing happened.
I wrote this article right now. The real side of me. If how I was as a person. Because you don't know me and writing these things makes me calm a little bit because I can able to let out my thoughts. I don't know if you understand what i am saying right now but, I want to asked my virtual friends if Do you still accept me as a friend even though, I have this kind of behavior? I'm okay even if you will hate and you don't like me after reading this. I'm already get used to it.
This is the result of my traumatic experiences from the past. I hope that someone will heal me from these and stop me from doing something bad. I can still handle my emotions though, It's hard for me to handle it.
My Previous Articles:
Why I hate the Second Tuesday and Wednesday of the month of June, 2022?
Memories can stay to us until the end but it will never happen again
How I celebrated my 1st year anniversary?
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