The Toxic Person I am!

I am aware that I am sometimes (or most of the time) a toxic person. Toxic in the sense that I am becoming the person I despise to be, the person that I never dreamed of becoming because I hate it when I see others act like that. But I believe, we all become a little toxic sometimes because we are fed up with so many dramas, issues, problems, and everything in between. We sometimes even push people away from us or they are the ones who avoid interfering with us because they don't want the negative energy that comes from us.

From being projected as positive, optimistic, goal-oriented, enthusiastic, motivated, and inspiring, to other people would see us boastful, arrogant, insecure, rude, unsympathetic, pessimist, and self-centered.

Although we claim that we know who we are, we don't know ourselves from others' point of view. And once we pause and reflect about what other people say about us, we sometimes would end up with a conclusion that they are right, and that we are indeed the toxic person they see from their naked eyes.

As much as I don't want to say it, but I believe that some people despise or avoid me for some of the things I do because they are toxic sometimes. I am not surprised for I have a lot of things that I despise about myself too.

I hate that I am insecure.

I sometimes hate how I talk, how I walk, how I eat, and how I dress. Although these are just some of the petty things I hate about myself, it is the lack of self-confidence that makes me insecure about my body and myself. Every time I see a pretty girl on my Facebook and Instagram feed, I just feel like an ugly potato sitting in one corner. But as days pass by, I am learning to love every parts of me because that is what I am.

I hate that I am too ambitious.

I have always been vocal about my goals, my ambitions, my dreams, and my plans on this platform by talking about them through my articles. Having a high expectation of myself is way harder to meet than other people's expectations of me. I have always been that kind of person who feels like everything is a competition because that is how I was raised. And I beat myself up every time I disappoint myself. I am suffering because of having too many goals to achieve and dreams to make into a reality. I end up being stressed and burnt out about how I will be able to accomplish all of them.

I hate that I am too self-centered.

It has always been all about me, myself, and I. "My goals, my dreams, my achievements, my future." Although I have a lot of plans for others, especially for my parents, it's always "Me" who needs to be or come first before others.

I am so used to being alone and that my own survival is what I always think of that I sometimes don't care about others, unless they affect my life. I don't like meddling with other people's business, and that makes me a little unsympathetic.

I hate that I am too sensitive.

I have lost a few of my good friends already because of being too sensitive that I only think about my feelings, without thinking about how they feel too. I am too sensitive about how others treat me and say about me, yet I am too insensitive about how I treat others. I would react and ready to defend myself whenever I read something that hurts my ego even though it is just a small thing.

I hate that I am an introvert.

I don't have a lot of friends in real life and even in the virtual world because I don't know how to approach people. But when I do make friends, I easily lose them because I don't know how to keep friendships and relationships. I am so used to being alone that having several people around me give me anxiety.

I hate that I sometimes talk without thinking.

Sometimes I feel like my mouth is not connected to my brain that my mouth unconsciously speaks without thinking about the words I am going to say. I have to admit, I have uttered rude things to a lot of people already, and even on this platform too, and I am so sorry because the words I have spoken can never be taken back. Words are so powerful that they can either make or break a person.

These are just some of the things that makes me a toxic person, which I believe that others hate about me too.

I am not a perfect person. Nobody is. I have a lot of issues but I am always trying to improve myself, especially on how I deal with other people.

I have always been labeled that I have an "attitude problem", which I cannot deny, and so I want to fix this problem and become the best version I can be.

It will never be easy. It will be a long process. But I am determined to be better each day. I hope I can.