We can never forget all of our firsts, especially our first love. Even a stubborn and boyish lady like me has one. I haven't realized it at first but when I was thinking about it this morning when I saw @DennMarc's post on Facebook, I figured it out. You know when depression hits you can't really be sure of what you are feeling. Whether it is driven by the depression or if it's really your real emotions. When I saw it earlier, I'm certain. He is surely the one, my first love.

It started when I'm in Grade 11, and roleplay and dummy accounts are still a trend. I also have both of these back then but I'm mostly active in my dummy account just to share memes. I can't share those back then because my relatives are on guard in my every post and they would scold me if it was not pleasing to them. Then, dummy accounts have been my free wall and my ranting stations.

Then, my best friend Jud met this guy in her dummy account. She told me about him saying that we are similar in music preferences. I got excited because I haven't met anyone who has the same vibes as mine before I met Skater Boi. She introduced him to me and then the rest is history. Charr, haha.

After that, the never-ending talks happened. Day and night we were talking, we are even video calling. We shared a lot about ourselves, school, mental issues, society issues, and parent issues. We are similar in a lot of ways and we even got closer when I was a rebel of my faith back then since we share the same beliefs about Deism.

I'm the one who has fallen in love first but he had a crush back then that he can't forget yet. I didn't pursue my feelings and choose to ignore them until I graduated from high school. I went back home to my hometown and found a job. My phone got broken back then also, so I don't have contact with my friends and relatives in the city for so long.

By the time I have a new phone, I already met the father of my child for the depressed kid in me seeks comfort and refuge from whom where can accept me. I know for sure right now that it was my biggest mistake. One time before Jud and her family moved into another place, I visited them and we have a good talk. She told me everything about him.

She said that he keeps on asking how I am and where I am. Then, he confessed that he loved me, too. But I'm already in a relationship, so I ignore it. When I broke up with my ex, who is the father of my child, I went to Manila to work and that was where we have communication again. It was like the spark between us lit again and the previous liveliness have came back.

We confessed to each other and yeah, we became in a relationship, but still online. However, also at that time, the father of my child still keeps on bugging me. I felt guilty about it and I think it was not fair to him. Then, I told him that I should fix my life first before entering into a relationship again. Then so, we broke up and we never talk to each other again until this recently but it was just all "How are you?", and "I'm fine.", kind of conversation and nothing else.

Here is Day 19!

It kind of feels like all my relationships were like, "Pinagtagpo pero 'di tinadhana.", type. Nothing but full of tragedies. Maybe, I'm not just lucky with relationships, or the one who is for me hasn't given to me yet and I have to wait a little longer. Well, I'm not really in a hurry. Let him come to me whenever he wants. Charr. Right now, I'm in the process of learning for myself and devoting my love to my daughter. That's why I really don't care if I'm single for 3 years now and counting.

Thanks for reading!

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