That terrible voice

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3 years ago

In community: Diaries(cc77)

Topics: Life, Childhood, Childabuse, 2021, Diary, ...

I clean and clean and clean. My hands are wounded but my mother doesn't care. She knows I have allergies, she knows I have to avoid water and so much more. She says she has to clean because of my allergies. She blames me for all the extra work I cause her and that's the reason why I have to clean the whole day and at times at night too.
Her obsession with dirt is worse than it has ever been. My mother is neurotic and even after it is super clean and checked by her at least three times she yells all of a sudden because she sees dirt. Dirt, dust, mountains of sand. There's no point in telling her it's clean. She won't believe me. Her eyes see what I can't see and she believes her eyes more than anyone else. With one hand she wipes the shelves of cupboards empty and shouts: Do it again.
As I step forward to pick up what she threw on the floor she pulls the cupboard forward and it falls on me.
How come I didn't see that one come? I try to be alert like she calls it. I am not clumsy, not lazy just tired. The only thing I want is to sleep. Sleeping forever sounds good to me. Snowwhite took a long nap and so did Sleeping beauty. I am not a beauty but that doesn't mean I can not sleep. My body hurts and the cupboard...it's not that heavy at all. It covers me like a blanket. A blanket where she can't touch me. I close my eyes and wait. There's no reason to fight, try to get away. The cupboard is a good place to be. I close my eyes and no longer listen to her voice. I don't care about her kicking me. She can do whatever she likes while I take a nap or better sleep till eternity.

The voices... I hear them but I don't care about what they say. Why should I? It's warm and cosy where I am. I don't want to wake up I like to stay where I am. It's good the way it is. Tired... I feel so tired. The only thing I want is to forget that terrible voice, forget where I am and go away. The darkness is a good place to be. If it is dark I can hide or walk around without anyone noticing me.
Something or someone pulls at me. I try to open my mouth but can't speak. "Leave me alone I want to sleep", is what I think but can't say. Why don't they leave me alone? I sink deeper and deeper and hear a voice telling me to wake up. Wake up? There's no need to wake up. It is good where I am. "Let me be", I say or perhaps it was a thought. I am happy where I am and I don't want to go back to my life filled with misery where not one single person cares about me.
"In your grave, you can rest as much as you like", granny says.
I smile. She's right I can finally rest. My mother... she will be happy when I am gone. I will not cost her money, I will not spoil her mood, I will not give her extra work because of my allergies and she never needs to see my ugly face again.

My friend waits for me. He hasn't changed and looks exactly the same as he did as he waited at the foot of my bed. I feel happy because the only one who ever waited for me is where I am now.
"Sorry, I made you wait. I am happy to see you and like to sleep now" I say or perhaps I mumble it but it doesn't matter. My friend knows how I feel and knows. He knows me better than anyone will ever do.
While I drift away I think: there's no light at the end of the tunnel, I am glad there is no light. At least I can sleep now.

Monday
July 12, 2021