From one moment to the next the good mood is gone. Frequently it is because of what people say or do or not say or do but it's not always the case. Watching television or reading a book can make me feel sad too. I wish I could feel different, be happier but I am not. Not even if my mother isn't home or I am not bullied I feel as if something is eating me. Something deep inside.
I think about Faust and the other operas I saw but it doesn't make me feel any better. The stories in books... they are all about people and lives I will never live. I will never be a knight riding a horse, I will never be a boy delivering a letter to the king, I will never meet someone special.
If you read this and say : your time will come, things will get better. I like to know how do you know? Look around you. There are so many people and most of them are unhappy. They scream, yell, fight and friendship and love means nothing to them. I saw on television how people after being besties for 20 years get angry, break up about nothing. Like not being called first after a baby is born and more of those stupid reasons. I read in a magazine small ads where people ask for penpals but I am too young. I looked at the photos and read the text... Everyone in this world is lonely and if not they will be lonely or sad one day.
Like a ping-pong ball, my thoughts and mood go up and down and there's nothing I can do about it.
How come there are so many people? Why do all those people take children if they don't like to take care of them or don't have the money to feed and dress them? Is it because they want a free housekeeper or slave?
It's bad to be poor, you can feel sad if you are an orphan but it is worse to be hated, scold at and hit by your parents. That is what mine do. My dad doesn't care about me and that's why he beats me and never asks what I did wrong this time. He is like a machine and responds like one if he takes his slipper and beats me on my bottom. I don't think his father ever did that to him. His father wasn't home anyway. He joined the army, was in a different concentration camp, went back to the army and next he died. It was his heart. Perhaps his heart was broken. I don't know if mine is broken because I don't feel anything. The only thing I know is my thoughts. My head is always full of thoughts even if I am asleep. Not that I sleep much and that's the reason I always feel tired. Even now when I stay with granny and don't need to wake up at 5:30 a.m. or 6 a.m. I can't sleep. I wake up because of the light or the pain or I hear something although the only thing I want is to sleep. I would like to sleep for a long time, a hundred years or so. Just like the sleeping beauty.
I am not scared in the dark. I am not afraid of the man in the dark at the foot of my bed. He's my friend but I never see him if I need a friend. He could scare my mother away or my uncle. I don't like to be alone with my uncle because he makes me do things for him I don't like and he can't keep his hands to himself. He never does when my granny is around. He is sneaky.
My life will not get better. I will not make friends because people find me weird. The way I look and am dressed and I don't understand the jokes they make. I don't think I can laugh or know how to be happy. Life isn't funny, my life isn't funny. It's not getting better and I don't want to live forever. There's no reason to do so and I can not make myself happy. So I stay in the closet where the comics of my uncle are upstairs and wait till I know what to do, how to end this.
My family will not help me, I have no friends, teachers don't like me and the police is not my best friend. I no longer visit the doctors and hospital and if no one cares why should I live on? I have enough of life, enough of that feeling inside and the only thing I want is to sleep forever. No one will miss me and they will live happily ever after.
Thursday
July 1, 2021
If I close my eyes I hear the wind. It's warm outside but granny never sits outside. She is not like my mother. Her skin will not get red at least that is what I think.
The wind sounds like the sea and granny's bed are the waves... Squeaking waves but still waves. I move one leg on the mattress and it feels as if I am floating in the Dead sea.
Tomorrow dad will pick me up. I will go to the gym came for some days.
Friday
July 2, 2021
A kid's diary
He pulled their wings out
You can't trust her
I am different
Not in the mood
Feeling similiar despair right now. I wish I had some nice words to say but I'm feeling 'that' down!
Much love.