If granny walks she looks as if she's in pain. She walks with a bent back and it is as if she's always in a hurry. Granny rarely talks with people outside on the street. Perhaps she know no one or people don't like her? She doesn't like to gossip like her friend. Granny minds her own business and says although, my mother beats me she doesn't hate her because my mother did never anything to her. My uncle says it's not true.
Because of my mother, my uncle has to go to a boarding school and his mother who is my granny did nothing to fight it. I don't know if that's true but I know my mother is a mean person and I know my uncle doesn't like her. I know granny doesn't want to fight with other people but I think that's not always possible. If people hurt you or hurt someone you like you should defend yourself. Is it wrong to stand up for something? Is it wrong to protect children? I think granny doesn't want to take care of me because she already has my uncle and is sick. If she likes peace my uncle is too much trouble.
Granny feels guilty if her children do bad things. She says if they do she did not raise them well. Sometimes she tells about what my parents did. What they wrote to each other about the parents of my mother and how they didn't show respect. She doesn't want her children to behave badly but my mother is not her child. I don't think she and my grandfather were happy as dad said he wanted to marry my mother. My mother's parents were not happy too. I don't think I will ever get married. Granny is alone and grandmother is too. Both my grandfathers are dead. I don't think it's fun living with people in your home and being afraid of what they say or do or feel ashamed. If they do something dumb they blame you too. Dad will be blamed for all the crazy and scary things my mother does. She is very violent and I don't think she will ever change. She can pretend to be nice but from one second to the next her face and behaviour change. All the housekeepers and cleaning ladies we had been afraid of her too. No one likes to work for her only people who are in need, need money will or perhaps those who don't believe she is a cruel person. A cruel person like Cruella de Vil.
Sometimes I believe she is kind to me too. She fakes it and sees if I fall for it and if I do she punishes me harder.
Granny came to our house to help my mother too and my mother wasn't kind to her.
She treated granny badly but still granny says she has nothing against my mother. I don't know what exactly she means by that perhaps she is just happy she doesn't need to live with my mother in one house? I think if they did my granny would think differently.
Granny told me that my grandfathers agreed to take care of each other's wives. A gentleman agreement or so she called it. I don't know what a gentleman is but it must be something good or stupid. Granny said my grandfather said she could come and live in one of his houses after her husband died. She's glad she didn't accept the offer. She said my mother would have kicked her out on the street after her father died. That doesn't sound kind. So if granny knows this all why does she say my mother never harmed her and she has no hard feelings.
I think I have hard feelings or would if I wasn't afraid of her and lived somewhere else. If I get that old and can live on my own I will not let her inside my house.
I know she is dangerous and will never change. Some people never change and she is one of them and not praying to god. Granny prays but my mother is not. She just pretends she is a christian but doesn't care about harming other people. I think granny just doesn't want to talk bad but she still doesn't feel happy. I can't remember the last time she had her head up in the sky. She looks down at the street and walks fast while she carries the groceries home. It's a long walk and I have to walk fast if I want to walk next to her. She has a bike but no longer uses it and today she doesn't use the car. Gasoline is expensive and granny doesn't like to waste anything.
Granny is always busy. She cleans the house, does the groceries and cooks. The dishes are washed in a special way three times. Does she never get tired of cleaning other people their mess? I would and I am because my mother always keeps me at work cleaning for her even if it's super clean.
Granny collects stamps.
Sometimes she shows them. She has a collection for each child and some grandchildren but not for me. Some stamps are worth a lot of money and she says it's an investment. Will it still be when I am grown up? I never heard dad say granny gave him stamps. I am not her child but I do have her name.
If you don't know everything life is easier that is what I think. People who ask how I'm doing don't like to hear about me or the bad things happening to me so I say nothing. If I don't say how I feel, what my mother does to me at least I don't lie. Lying is bad and it doesn't make me feel happy if I have to. I do because it makes other people feel better about themselves. They don't like to hear what happens to me, why I was sick for the last two weeks again or the truth about my mother. They think I am a child that is always ill and a burden to my parents because they always have to take care of me. It's not true. If my mother says I'm sick I'm locked inside my bedroom or inside the house. I have bruises, nose bleeding, headaches, pain in my intestines, stomach, ears and my head hurts. It's not because I'm such a vulnerable child. I never see a doctor if my mother hit me with a whip, dog leash which is a chain or a leather belt. No doctor ever sees me. The only times I visited a doctor and hospital was for my eczema but even then the doctor doesn't care about me. I no longer go to the hospital or a doctor. Doctors make me wait for hours and if they show up they only talk with my mother. All tests done never proved anything. If I have a fever because of my skin my mother doesn't care and she sends me to school. It's not about me being sick why I have to stay home but about her not wanting other people to start to think she hits me or tries to kill me. Granny knows this is true. She told me grandfather was concerned and he said to her my mother wasn't treating me in a normal way. She threw me on the sofa from a distance when I was a baby. Granny told me this and said she told grandfather my mother would know how to handle a baby.
My uncle says she doesn't and she threw me off the stairways whole the way down and left. She didn't even pick me up but left me crying on the floor and went out. She let granny take care of me. My uncle says she also smacked my head against the doorway very hard and didn't care. I know my mother doesn't like me but what I don't understand is why dad never said a word. I think he is just like his mother. Minding their own business I mean.
I don't think it makes me feel any better if granny tells me all these things.
It's not that she spends hours talking to me but she just says a few words and next she is silent and makes a puzzle or do some tasks. She rarely watches the telly. Perhaps she likes the silence just like me? I know I do but if she says these things it gives me a lot to think. Too much to think and to be honest I don't think I want to grow up and live. My life is not good, not sweet, I have not much to look forward to and stay informed about all these things I have been through doesn't make me stronger or happy. I don't think I am as strong as granny. She was in the Japanese concentration camp. She survived and it made her sick and her life is far from easy. I understand she wants peace and so do I but if you are surrounded by people it will never be peace. People want to control and be the boss. People like my mother, the guards of concentration camps, prisons don't care about hurting others just like the police does. Cruel people will always make others feel miserable it's their nature. You cannot easily recognize them if you walk on the street or so but as soon as something goes wrong they will attack you. So I walk with granny on the lanes and keep my head down. I'm tired of being scolded and know no one believes me. Perhaps granny does too but she will not tell me. All she says is: she never harmed me. I don't know if that makes any difference to her but to me, it does not but still, I love granny.
March 5, 2022
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