In pain

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2 years ago

In community: Diaries(cc77)

Topics: Diary, Kidsdiary, Granny, Childhood, Childabuse, ...

"Okay, Granny, close your eyes and hold on to my arm."

Granny did like she always did and played with me. She had things to do but in a way she managed. She is the best granny one can have. I could have asked her to take off her glasses instead of closing her eyes but I didn't want to be rude. Even with her glasses on and after all the operations, she was still nearly blind. It was a miracle to me how she was able to keep her house so clean. I guess it helps if you don't live too much, touch anything or with a cloth only.
"You can open your eyes!"
Granny did and stared at the plant I bought her.
"It's for you, do you like it?" I went to the shop alone."
"There was no need to buy me anything. It's a waste of good money, besides I can't take it with me into my grave."
I didn't know what to say. I did what dad told me to do but she didn't look happy at all.
She looked at the plant, picked it up and said: it's tea time.
How come I felt so awful? Had I done something bad?

"That was the big difference between them - he was a jumper and she was a wader."
Granny's friend rattled on and on and in between, she smoked, coughed and while I held my breath granny listened. She never spoke much just nodded if her friend looked at her. Once she left she cleaned up the cups and continued her life. She wasn't the type to gossip, share stories or complain. I heard granny cry for pain once she was in bed. I could hear her through the ceiling but if I went upstairs, knocked at her door everything was fine.
"You can go," she said and as I closed the door I wondered if hearing her crying was all in my head. Was it all in my head like my mother always said, was I making up things and crazy?
The only crazy town is at home if my mother gets out of her mind, say these words over and over again while walking up and down the hallway. If she keeps saying those same words over and over again: I am mad, mad, mad. You are driving me crazy, crazy, crazy. I am mad, mad, mad. You are driving me crazy...
If she doesn't it's a horror house where fear lives. I don't always know what to think if I see her doing these crazy things. She doesn't look like a lunatic I think she's doing it on purpose. Today I thought it would be better if she was dead. She shouldn't have another baby. She doesn't care and hates everyone.
Slowly I walk down the stairs making sure granny can hear me. I open and close a door and wait underneath the stairs for that sound the crying of pain.
I hear it again and again. I don't want her to suffer, not her. It takes long before the sound is gone. God is a monster like my mother he doesn't care who suffers, who bleeds.

Was it a tea stain on the wallpaper?
No, it was not. It was bee wax or oil. The one my mother buys buckets full to take care of the old antique furniture. Not that she cares I do, the housekeeper and the extra help on Mondays and Fridays do. Everything needs to be clean, spic and span. It needs to smell nice and shine. Everything will except her mood, her eyes and mine.
I feel like granny. I feel pain and want to die in peace alone. If my mother goes to heaven I ask Mr Death to take me to Hell. Frau Holle is Hella so Hell can't be so bad. I know how to save bread out of the oven, to free the tree from apples and I can make the beds. She doesn't need to pay or reward me and I don't want to go back. Once you fall into a well you are already dead unless you are Alice in Wonderland but she dreamed and made it up. Granny's pain is real and so is mine. We both aren't crazy, too tired to be mad and to stay alive.
Jumping out of the window is no option. It's not high enough I'll land on my feet or like a cat flat on my belly. My mother will notice if I stop eating and there's no key in the door of the closet filled with all the medication needed for? My mother has her own pharmacy for her clients and herself not for me. I no longer visit a doctor. I don't care. They did nothing for me in hospital. Just like granny they only make me more ill if I end up there. Granny says she always gets out worse and has an extra disease like pneumonia. I believe her. She had to stay there too many times because someone always calls the doctor and sends her to the hospital. She always needs new pyjamas too. In hospital, you can't wear your clothes. I don't understand why. All those sick people walk around, talk, sit in the restaurant and make a lot of noise. How sick can one be? I even saw many people smoke as I visited her. The hospital is old but she had a nice room with a garden. My granny doesn't smoke. She only sits in the dirty smoke and smell of other people.
I hope she won't have too much pain and it will end. End for her and me.

February 21, 2022