No future

January 1st, 2022 we left grandmother's house after dinner which was at noon. My mother fought with her and auntie and uncle left after coffee at 10. They can leave, at least they can leave. Will grandmother call auntie to tell her what my mother said? My mother always calls grandmother and auntie to tell them what bad things I did. They all know what a terrible child I am. Next auntie calls with grandmother and they call us and want to talk to me and call each other again. The thing is they talk and talk but no one asks me what happened. My mother is always right. Why do they call each other if their opinion doesn't count? They do not care about me or each other but only fight, fight and fight. If auntie says my mother is right instead of grandmother those two attack auntie. I don't want to hear them but my mother hands me the phone and I have to hold it against my ear. Their voices hurt my brain. They all keep repeating themselves. I think they are just like my mother. They repeat themselves and ask me if I heard them. I hear the noise of their voice but do not understand one word.

Grandmother gives more food to my father because he is a man not because he is skinny or needs it. If uncle is family I wonder who she will give it to.
The school is closed but I was not allowed to stay with grandmother. Mother is furious with her. Vacation at home is the worst thing that can happen to me. Home alone with an angry, dangerous mother. We didn't visit granny. Dad doesn't like to see his mom? Perhaps he called her to wish her a happy new year or my mother sent a postcard before Christmas? Each year she writes many cards. For each card she receives she sends one back.


It is hard to keep writing a diary. I do not have much time and can not think right. I want to give up on it. It doesn't make me feel happy if I write or read it back. There's no happiness in my life. What I do is try to survive and for what? I will not be alive in 2050, I don't want to. I will not make friends or have a family liking me. It will only be me. Me in a world that hates me. A world saying I'm wrong, a bad person and they are better off without me. So if I die the world is a better and happier place for all those others who stay. No one needs to think or care about me. I no longer need to walk with the hiking club or go to gymnastics. I won't be bullied because of my looks and mother can polish her own shoes. She will be happy because I'm not in her way. No need to spend money on me. She will not feel ashamed about me and I not about her. Me dead is a win-win.

I tell you keeping a diary secretly is dangerous. I can't write down everything that happens to me. It's difficult to find a place where I can hide it. There's nothing my mother never lifts. Not one single box is unopened. Not even those stored in the attack or the garage. I'm not so sure writing helps me. If she finds it...
I can write about Brussels sprouts only but even if I write about the food I ate and liked she will start a fight.

A new year, nothing changed. I didn't, my mother didn't and dad did not. The world is the same as it was yesterday, the day before yesterday, a week, a month and year ago.
I am not sure what to think, what to feel. Inside of me, it's empty. Not black, not white but empty. I see the sun, I see people outside through the curtains, I hear children play but this is a world without me. I have no family, friends, no one will miss the crazy, sick, ugly child. I'm always absent anyway. My mother writes letter after letter about why I did not come to school. The teacher never asks what's wrong with me. None of my teachers ever did.
So a new year means nothing to me. It's as empty as the wishes "happy new year" which adults don't say to children anyway. I watched and heard them. No one meant it for real. Am I not the only person empty inside?


I do not think about the future 2025, 2030 sounds far away and so does 2050. I don't want to be alive in 2050. So many more years faking a happy new year. People today already no longer smile. I don't think my grandparents ever did. Dad did when I was younger and so did auntie but today smiling is a crime.
And what if mother is still alive? What if I don't find a way to get out of here. Do I have to stay with her forever?

Forever doesn't need to be forever.
She tells, yells at me she will kill me. "Not one piece of you'll be left if I'm finished with you!"
I believe her. At times I leave that ugly body she hates so much. I watch her from the corner in the room while she hits that body. That empty body isn't me. I see how she hits it with a dog leash, spits into the face but that isn't me, it does not belong to me.
Spitting is so dirty. What makes people do that? Grandmother should have washed her mouth with soap or closed it with tape as she does to me. Spitting should be forbidden. I think it's not or she doesn't care. The law is at her hand even if it's a violent hand, the hand of a monster. 
I don't care if she kills me. I know she will. She waits for a chance. I see hate, hateful eyes. My mother enjoys hurting people, she loves seeing them suffer.
What is she waiting for? Me attacking her so she has an excuse for killing the crazy kid? Dad, my family will believe it. They always believe her. "Childhood is the best period in your life," grandmother said more than once. I don't agree but I don't tell her she is wrong. She doesn't want to hear about the bad things her daughter does. I am sure she knows. She never looks me into my eyes, she knows her daughter is cruel, a monster. I can see grandmother is afraid of her daughter. Did her parents ever beat her the way my mother hits me? Perhaps she was safe at night in her bed but I am not.

Empty, I'm not always empty inside. I am if she hits me if she forces me to do things I don't like if she ties me up or locks me into my room or the shed. There's no need to hang around and feel pain, to listen to her voice. She always says the same but nothing will change.
"I'm crazy, crazy, crazy, you drive me crazy."
Is grandpa in heaven? Can he see us? Auntie said she spoke to someone who spoke to him. She said grandpa shouldn't be disturbed. He's fine and needs to rest. Perhaps he sleeps for hundreds of years or will never wake up. But how can that person know, talk to grandpa if he's asleep and needs his rest? That doesn't make any sense. If you are asleep people shouldn't disturb you and wake you up. I don't like that my mother loves to disturb me. It doesn't feel good in my head if she does that. Grandpa was ill for a very long time, ill and angry with mother and grandmother. I think auntie should leave him alone. Grandpa is free he doesn't want to be with us. If he sees us he will feel unhappy.


I will burn my diaries. Not now but later if I know how and when. I don't want mother to find them.


A girl in my class says my mother will have a baby. How does she know? I didn't know what to say and kept looking at my desk. I heard them gossiping about me and some looked at me. The teacher didn't tell them to be quiet. Who will take care of the baby? My mother works, dad is never home and the housekeepers and cleaning ladies come and go. My mother says I cost her a lot of money. She doesn't like buying things for me. Not even panties or socks and my shoes hurt my feet. Perhaps I can ask her now if I can stop with gymnastics and hiking on Saturdays? That saves her money. She doesn't need to see me. I go to school and back home I'm invisible and stay in my room but what if she hurts the baby?

January 23, 2022

A kid's diary

Daily routine
https://read.cash/@wakeupkitty/daily-routine-386515ff

The face in the mirror
https://read.cash/@wakeupkitty/the-face-in-the-mirror-f7ef612c

My wish list
https://read.cash/@wakeupkitty/my-wish-list-e2a20431

One, two, three, four, five, six...
https://read.cash/@wakeupkitty/one-two-three-four-five-six-90b6fd66

Bad memories stay
https://read.cash/@wakeupkitty/bad-memories-stay-4544f52f

Promises
https://read.cash/@wakeupkitty/promises-782cee0c


#kittywu #diary #childhood #childabuse