She made me count thrums

Yesterday I wrote...I thought I wrote it was Monday but it wasn't. It can't be because it is Thursday today.
Thursday, April 22. I mixed up the days, the dates... My head hurts. Something happened. It's not new. Something always happens because. this is the circumstance if you live in our house if you need to live with my parents, my mother.
I remember she yelled, she didn't leave. She attacked me. What happened next? I felt pain. My back and neck still hurt and I have bruises, blue spots. The spots aren't blue but green. If you look closely you see they are green.
I thought I lost my diary but I found it back. It was where I left it. I cannot remember I hid it but I did. Perhaps I was sleepwalking? Dad told me I do at times. I'm not sure if he's kidding me. He once told me I was on the stairs on the way out.
So, today it's Thursday and I missed another day at school. I guess the whole week. First I stayed with my grandmother next I went home and gave a letter to the teacher and now I am sick again and have to stay at home. I vaguely remember the voices. There was someone at the front door. My teacher? My mother said I was sick and in bed too sick to be disturbed. I was not asleep but she always tells the same lie if no one is allowed to see me. People believe her, they never ask me if it's true. The housekeeper is not allowed to go upstairs and enter my room. Does she know I am at home? No one visits me. I don't care because I don't want to see how they look at me.

I only went out twice to go to the bathroom. I tiptoed, did it after I heard her leave.

Thursday
April 22, 2021


It's Friday and she dragged me out of bed. The bedsheets need to be changed because the man with the van will stop by to deliver the clean sheets and he takes the dirty with him.
I don't feel too well but she feels no mercy. I have to work, have to be silent, have to be fast and have to stay upstairs and worse of all I have to be grateful, grateful to her. She said I am lazy and she had it with my attitude.
It will be war again. I waited till she finished her tirade and kept my mouth shut, kept my head down and stared at the floor. It made her furious she said I should look her into the eyes, only sneaky people avoid looking you in the face and I'm exactly like my dad.

"You are exactly like your father," she snapped and spat me in the face. She shouldn't do that. Only dirty people spat.

The teacher at the gym once said if a dog likes you it disinfects your wound. I don't believe that. Our dogs lick me and I still have wounds. They don't heal. My mother her spit burns my skin. It's poison because she is bad. That's why people fear her and don't like her not even her parents and sister.

She made me clean upstairs over and over again and as she finally left I had to stay in my room. I don't mind staying there as long as she stays away. There are no safe places in our house. I can not hide anywhere. There's no basement, there are no sheds or old factories and the closets are too small. I can't hide inside them. She will always find me and her spooky face shows up if you don't watch out. You always need to watch your steps, watch out, day and night. I didn't tell dad what she said. He will not help me or protect me.
Later he called me to come downstairs to the kitchen. I ate some bread with cheese. He didn't tell me to take a bath and after bread, I went to bed.

Friday
April 23, 2021


Today everything was back to normal except I didn't have to join the hiking club. Normal means watching my steps, being alert.
Dad started mowing and cleaned the car after he had cleaned the bathroom and kitchen. I had to help my mother upstairs and next dust off the furniture in the living room. I did it slowly because if I am fast she says it's not clean. With her finger, she checks if everything is clean. I never see anything on her finger but she does. I was still busy as she left. Someone called. Dad was outside and I stayed inside and watched him. The dogs were outside too.

We ate soup. Tomato soup out of a can plus bread. Bread with butter and chocolate sprinkles for me. I wasn't hungry and my mouth hurt but I ate it. I will be punished for not eating. At least it isn't honey. Honey makes me gag. Dad watched tv while we ate and no one said a word. On Saturdays we do not eat at the dining table it's the only day we don't unless we are in a restaurant or at my grandmother's home.

After the program, I was sent to bed. I always go to bed at 7 p.m. but if my mother is angry or my dad wants to read they send me to bed at 5 p.m.
They don't care if it's early or other children play outside.

Saturday
April 24, 2021


Boring Sunday again. The only good time I had was at Sunday school. The teacher is kind, she tells stories and after that she let us paint. No one I know, put off my class, goes to Sunday school although it's in my school. One hour I spent in peace, one hour without my parents. It's not much but better than nothing. I feared they wouldn't let me go but they did.

Sunday
April 25, 2021


The Persian rugs... those rugs in our living room have thrums. Each fringe has to lay straight. No one is allowed to step on them. My mother keeps a close eye on where people put their feet. We are not allowed to wear shoes inside but those people who come in the evening do. I can hear it if they walk upstairs and go in and outside the room next to mine. The room where my dad hides too.
My mother... She crawled over the floor and that's what the first thing I saw when I came home. I don't like to see her fat bottom. She doesn't care and I don't tell her she looks very fat this way. I waited in the doorway till she said something. She counted each fringe after she put it straight. She kept counting and if she forgot the number she started again. I thought about Francoise. She once asked me what my mother did as she pulled at the curtains. I felt so ashamed but she explained because it was a serious question to her. Francoise said nothing but also never returned again. I know we have never been good friends but she invited me to her grandparent's home in Belgium. We could be friends or?
The counting went on and on and I felt dizzy. She made me help her and start at the other side of the rug while she put her head underneath the television's cabinet.

Monday
April 26, 2021

A kid's diary

She pushed me

I don't know when 'later is

It's too crowded

Carbuncle sounds ugly

I am sloppy

#kittywu #diary #childhood #childabuse