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What makes you believe childhood is the best period in one's life? To many children, their life is far from a bed of roses and it will always be a struggle to be accepted and heard.
I am in bed and cannot sleep. I wonder if everything would be different if people, adults and my parents above all of them listened to me? If I had the opportunity to reply, defend myself? I don't think so. If no one wants you, is interested in you it doesn't matter if you say something or keep your mouth shut. They all seem to know me better than I do. They already made up their mind. I am not welcome, not wanted and therefore not liked. I try to be invisible and as long as my mother isn't home or in bed, it works. It does not if she is in a bad mood. Once she is she needs someone to scold at, to beat up. It makes her feel better especially if you agree with her or are in pain. The more pain other people have the better she feels. Why no one makes an opportunity to reply to her, tell her the truth, I don't understand. I guess it is as it is.
I never think about the future, what will happen once I grow up. I don't think there will be any future at least not for me.
It is silent at my grandmother's house. I am still there and if I am with her there's no need to stay up early. I don't need to polish shoes or set the table and she doesn't scold me and never expects me to reply. I am happy with that. There's no need to talk if no one really listens to you. It is a waste of words.
We didn't eat rice porridge. It's my grandpa's favourite dish but now he is dead. My grandmother made vegetable soup and there are little meatballs in it. I like her food, not everything but I like this. She didn't bake a cake like she usually did. Without grandpa everything is different. Only his books, trumpet, the piano and the bottle of "old spice" and checkers remind me of him. I waited behind the door of grandpa's office but he didn't play the trumpet and didn't come out.
March 20, 2021
Sad, sad, sad, is that how I feel? I feel cold inside my chest. My grandmother told me the night before I stay longer with her. I didn't ask her why and she didn't tell me. I wonder about school aren't the holidays over yet? I am not sure what is meant with longer. Is it longer a day, week, month or forever?
As I was little I went to kindergarten in this place but we move. I don't know why but it had to do with my dad and my mother found a job where we live now. It's at a place where only new houses are built and you easily get lost but the school is nearby. I don't know where the schools are here. Perhaps where my former kindergarten is but that's a long walk. I think I can still find it but my grandmother will not let me walk over there. I have to stay with her, can go into the garden and look at the geese but am not allowed to have a look inside the barns my grandfather used. One he was always busy in. Perhaps he repaired things or just wanted to be left alone. Adults can leave but I can't.
I don't think I mind staying with my grandmother. She never says something to make me feel better, never makes a joke or tells me stories but that's fine.
She doesn't tell at me, doesn't beat me, she lets me luck the bowl if she made cake and at night if I am in bed I can take one liquorice out of her jar. It's the small one on her side table and she takes it over to me. I have to go to bed alone, get undressed and pray and later she checks on me. She checks the shutters too. Just curtains aren't enough. I need to close the shutters so men can not see me. Perhaps it's because of the carbuncles or because I am ugly.
March 21, 2021
Today it's Monday. I do not have to wake up at 5:30 a.m. because I am staying at my grandmother's house. I still woke up early and waited. There's only a clock in the living room. I have to take two stairs to get there. The two stages are 48 steps. Big steps not like the ones we have at home. There are more stairs but I cannot slide down the bannisters. I tried but it's impossible. I waited long till I heard birds. They are pigeons and I only hear them if I stay here. They are in the huge tree in the garden, the one grandpa built a cage for his bird's underneath. That cage is empty now. Someone took the birds. Sometimes I was allowed to go inside to feed them and check the water. I once saw little eggs too.
My grandmother doesn't like animals. I don't know if she likes to read but she always knits. She knits very fast and only moves one finger. She does it every day but I never see her wear anything she knitted herself. She gives it away, at least I think she does.
We walked to the horticulturist. It's not far and if you don't know if you will not find him. He is hidden behind houses and the entrance is a greenhouse. He sells potted plants called geraniums. The only plants my granny has been placed in front of the two bay windows. One is in the front room and the other in the back room. If you look up you see the stained glass. Those rooms are the only places heated in the house. The central heath is at the bay windows too. I can sit on it to keep warm. The rest of the house is cold except for the bathroom upstairs.
March 22, 2021
The cleaning lady came, and the rugs had to be taken outside. I helped to polish the copper and silver. My grandmother baked a cake and we all had a slice. I like the cleaning lady she is kind and very active. She is a little woman and her hair is grey. My grandmother's hair is white, at times a bit blue but most times white.
Afternoon we went to town. My grandmother has a bike and I could sit on the luggage rack. Only as we crossed the railways we walked because it is hilly. It's hilly everywhere except for the first part of the main street.
My granny went to the hairdresser where I waited and she bought me some pencils and paper to keep me busy or so. Not that I feel bored I just don't feel always comfortable. It's hard to feel comfortable if you do not know what people expect from you. If I look at things my grandmother buys them for me. She doesn't need to do that but she does. I look because I do not know what it is not because I like to have it.
She bought more liquorice because the pot on the dining table is nearly empty and pills at the pharmacy. They are called aspirin and she says it helps against her coughing.
March 23, 2021
My grandmother took me to the marketplace. I think ours is bigger but I am not sure. I do not like to go to the market because it is always crowded and people shout and yell and push and I get easily lost. At the market, nothing looks special. I don't why perhaps because everyone touches it and shops do not just pile it up in a heap. I am not sure if my grandmother bought something but was glad as we left.
Back home I could park her bike in the scullery and the afternoon I watched the children's programmes on TV. She didn't mention when my parents come back but my aunt called. I spoke to her on the phone in grandpa's office. She asked me how I was doing and I asked her too. She told me she visited Etta who lives on a boat and sends me her regards. Etta is her friend and nice but I do not know if she's a teacher too. She once gave me some cream for my lips. It hurt and didn't help but it's still nice of her and it didn't smell like the cream the doctor gave, which is black and called tar ointment, or the butter my grandmother tells me to use instead.
March 24, 2021
This morning I sat in the tub for a long time. Not before breakfast but after breakfast. My grandmother doesn't care about having breakfast in pyjamas although it's cold in her kitchen. It's a huge kitchen and the floor looks like a checkerboard. The tiles are black and white. There's central health but it's a small one and switched off. An electric heater is underneath the table to keep our feet warm but my legs are not long enough to reach it. It's warmer than without but I still feel cold. The best place to be in the bathroom or the bathtub. The tub has its geyser and it's huge and hangs above the bathtub. My grandmother used the big matches to make it burn. I waited for the tub to half-filled before I went in. I can close the taps myself.
The ceiling is high, higher than it is at home. All ceilings are.
March 25, 2021
I didn't do much today. I looked out of the window and brought food to the geese which were scary. I did it quickly and looked if there were eggs but didn't see any. Perhaps the geese are all boys or they feel sad because no one cares about them now grandpa is gone.
My grandmother went to visit the neighbour. She lives in the house next to hers. There's a shield on it that says "green cross". I have no idea what it means. Red cross yes but the green cross? She said it wouldn't take long and I could stay home which I did. The neighbours and her friends are all old way older than my granny and all dressed in black. They talk about things I don't understand while I have to shake hands and kiss hello and goodbye and if not I need to sit still and be quiet. Speaking is not allowed. No children are playing with me and no toys.
March 26, 2021
Today my grandmother showed me how to knit. There's a black cabinet underneath a big painting of Jesus. It's where she keeps all her knitting needles and wool. Knitting isn't that easy. It looks easy but it's not. What I knit doesn't look as good as hers. I can hardly push the wool of the needle. Perhaps it makes my grandmother happy if I can knit. She helps me if it goes wrong and isn't angry with me. Perhaps I will knit as fast as her if I keep trying.
March 27, 2021
My grandmother told me as she was a child her mother took the skin of the milk and saved it in a jar for Sundays. She doesn't like the skin on the milk and that's why she beats it when it's on the stove. She drank coffee and made hot chocolate for me. She let me stir the cocoa and sugar in a bit of water first.
March 28, 2021
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