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The queen has a golden car. They say the people gave it to her. I don't know who exactly those people are but it wasn't me. I only have a little bit of pocket money and can not even buy a pocketbook. Pocketbooks are the cheapest. They look different, not that nice but the text is the same at least I hope it's the same. It's printed in smaller letters and the paper looks different too. The cheap paper just like the note blocks. The paper is brown and soft. You need to be careful not to tear it. I like to write on note block paper. My handwriting looks better and I don't need lines but it isn't allowed.
My mother has a golden ring. She said her dad bought it but she can not wear it. The ring is soft. If she bends her finger it easily breaks. If real gold is soft I wonder how a carriage can be made out of gold. I saw the queen on television but she didn't fell through it and the carriage didn't break into pieces. It's no gold for real.
People no longer use carriages but I think it would be better much better for the environment and no one would hurry that much. It's like in that song 'the horse knows the way back home and his owner sleeps'. No one I know has or likes a horse. Grandpa had a Mercedes and kept many animals but no horses. My other grandpa never had animals. He was never home because he was in the army or so. Granny has no animals either. I don't know if she likes them I don't think so or perhaps she doesn't like the extra work because she is sick?
I have two grandmothers. One doesn't like animals and never had the job she liked, she always coughs and the other one has no animals, had a job and is ill. It is her blood dad said. She has a rare disease something that that Russian prince had but this one is for girls. Isn't that strange? An illness for boys or girls only?
May 17, 2021
I need time to write. Time and being alone. What I don't like is to write while someone reads over my shoulder or watches me. If I am reading I do not like it if people do that too. Teachers do and some children. My mother wants to know everything but she never does that. She searches my room and reads my diary. The one I threw away. If she read it she never puts it back where she found it which isn't smart. If she read something that makes her angry she yells about it to me. The neighbours never say they can hear her at least I don't think they did. My mother never talks to the neighbours only my dad does to some of them but they aren't friends. I don't think my parents have friends, real friends. They fight together and people fight with them. Family does, neighbours and teachers too.
I don't have real friends but it's better this way. I don't like to answer questions about why my mother acts so weird. If your mother is dangerous and harms people they shouldn't meet her. She can be nice, give expensive things but if you accept her gifts she wants you to be grateful forever.
Grateful... I am not grateful.
May 18, 2021
In the afternoon I went to Caroline. She is in my class and doesn't live nearby. My mother took me over there. I find it difficult to be with other people. I know they look at me and I do not know their rules. I took my shoes off but her mom said I can keep them on. We do not wear shoes inside but perhaps it is okay because her grandpa was wearing his shoes too. He can not walk very well but the garden and rabbits are his.
I think they live at the old dyke. I don't know where the new dyke is. I only see one hill, busy road, grass and the canal. She says if it's summer they go swimming in the canal and it's fun. Perhaps it's fun if you are not afraid to drown and like cold, dark water.
My mother came late. Perhaps she forgot me or didn't want to take me back. Caroline's mom said it doesn't matter and I could stay longer and eat with them too. That was kind of her.
May 19, 2021
I didn't come to writing and try to remember what I did in the past few days. I can not even remember what I had for dinner. It says enough about my life. I had a gym on Thursday and had to go to the hiking club yesterday and my mother's mood was terrible. If she is angry she always is with me. She ignores the housekeeper at least if I am home. I don't understand how she can work here. It's a terrible house, a horror house. You feel it if you enter it. You always need to watch your steps and even if you do you never know how she will act. That is the most dangerous thing about her. In this house, no door can be closed. You are never safe.
I sit with my back against the door to write or read or I do it at night underneath the blanket. No one is safe here, perhaps the dogs are but I am not sure about it.
Only if dad is home the house is a bit safer. It is not because he protects me. He hits me if she is angry with me. She says "don't you see what that child..." and immediately he jumps on his feet and starts hitting me with his leather slippers. He counts the times he hits me. Today was such a day and I don't mind being sent to bed early. At least no one will enter my room now. My parents never do after they have beaten me.
Tomorrow is a new day. It's what they say but I don't care if it's not. It's just a day, the idea people made up. It's not special, nothing special. Each day in this monster's house is the same. Threats, beatings, more beatings and scoldings and I need to be grateful. I can't be grateful there's nothing to be grateful for.
It's Whit Sunday but there's nothing holy here and nothing to celebrate about.
May 23, 2021
I thought I had school but the school was closed. Another Whit Sunday. I don't understand why there are two. We didn't visit school and Sunday school is closed because schools are closed. Does that make sense? I tried to be invisible and it worked well for the afternoon after all the tasks she gave me were done and she had to leave in a hurry. Someone called and I heard her say she would come at once but she sat in front of her mirrors doing her hair for at least one hour.
May 24, 2021
My face hurts so much. I wish it all was over. He stands at the foot of my bed. I cannot see his face but I think he waits for me. If so I made a friend. Someone who doesn't hurt me.
Will it rain?