God doesn't want you to be happy

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3 years ago

In community: Diaries(cc77)

Topics: Kittywu, Life, Childhood, Diary, 2021, ...

I feel like a ghost. People don't see me and never ask how I am doing. I watch them go buy while I sit on the sidewalk. Children play and mothers go shopping or are cleaning the windows. Where I live I hardly see dads. Mine is never home. Perhaps he likes it more at the place he goes or with uncle G. who is there too. Only Ellen her dad is home. I think he's old, he looks older than my grandpa did. Perhaps it is because he is sick too. Grandpa looked green, his skin did.
I stayed outside for a few hours and watched people pass by. What if I am not a ghost but those other people are?
I saw a lady walk by and I thought "you will die soon". I think I thought it because I didn't hear a voice. I didn't feel happy and didn't want to tell her so I said " I don't like to know what will happen to other people" and watched her go inside a house across the street where the school is. She is young, the woman I mean. Way younger than grandpa why should she die? She has a kind face but didn't notice me. My mother was not at home. I took my shoes out at the back door and sat in the living with the housekeeper. If it's five o'clock she will leave.

Today people celebrate, its liberation day. It's about the world war that ended. There are flags outside. We have one too and school is closed.

Wednesday
May 5, 2021

I spoiled tea. My mother is furious. She said it's always the same with me. I am clumsy, spoil tea and the table and break things. I tried to remember when it was the last time I spoiled or broke something. I could not.
If something is broken she usually does it. She broke at least three vacuum cleaners. The Hoover meant for hotels too. The salesman was surprised she managed to do that. I didn't ask if he gave her her money back but she has a new one.
She breaks glasses and cups when she is angry. She always does on Sundays and celebration days. She throws them through the room or at me.
She broke the door of the closet upstairs. There was a big hole in it. She hit on it because she couldn't open the lock. There are more doors damaged and it wasn't me. I swear I didn't do it.
The car is frequently broke too. She bumps into things that aren't my fault because I don't drive it. I only need to clean it inside, vacuum it and wipe everything clean if dad doesn't do it on Saturdays. She wants the car to be spic and span if she has to drive people.
It's good she doesn't drive a motorcycle she already has only one eyebrow left.
Perhaps she blames me for breaking the window in the shed's door as the wind blew and I tried to get out? The wind closed it and it made the same sound as when she slams with the door. The broken glass fell on me and in my boot. Dad took the glass out of my foot with strange-looking tweezers. He has them with some kind of knives in a wooden box. The knives he uses if the fish in the aquarium die.

The school is closed today too and there's no gym. It's the only good thing about today.

Thursday
May 6, 2021

I am not going to school. It's vacation. I think because of the war. Dad is home but in the little room. He said he has things to do. I am not sure if it's true. I had to help my mother cleaning the boxes on the ceiling. She saves all kind of things in it and that has to be cleaned too. She hates dust, dirt, webs, spiders and everything that makes her life miserable.
She makes me nervous if she keeps talking about the dirt and dust I cannot see and keeps repeating herself at least three times. If she cleans a door or window she keeps counting and saying the same sentences over and over again. She says it has to be hygienic because of my allergies. If that's true, if I can not live with dust she wouldn't let me clean or? And what about all those things I am allergic to? All those tests done and what the doctor said she should do? She doesn't care about me, my allergies she is a control freak. She still gives me a blanket made of sheep's wool, we have long pile carpet, long curtains and she forces me to wear itchy clothes. The doctor said I am allowed to wear cotton only. Well, the doctor doesn't know how I live and she lies to him but it no longer matters because I don't go to the hospital any longer. My mother doesn't need to drive me, I don't cost her money anymore. She should be happy because she always complaints about how much money she has to spend on me.

Friday
May 7, 2021

The housekeeper is at her home. She never works during the weekend. We cleaned the house and dad sang while he did the bathroom and kitchen. We correct it because the housekeeper doesn't do it good enough. My mother wrote that cleaning booklet and she uses it but still complains.
After dad finished the car and came back home with the groceries we left. I was strapped to the backseat again. It was a long drive to the two aunties. They are my grandpa's sisters, my mother's aunts and live in the same home for elderly people. One shakes her head the whole time. I am not sure she knows who I am but both are kind, were happy to see us and they are very religious. On the way back home we stopped at a graveyard. It is where grandpa is. I wasn't at his burial. It's an old place with very old stones and I read his name on many. Does everybody have the same name? Grandpa is next to a hedge and dad says the grave is for grandpa and grandma. Grandma needs to slim down first. She doesn't fit in the ground next to grandpa. Perhaps only if she lays on her side?
I wonder if grandpa wants her to be with him. He did not like her. He said she spoiled his life. If they put her in the ground next to him she will spoil his death too. It's good she isn't dead yet. Auntie said grandpa is resting. He needs his rest to recover and he is fine. She went to someone because she likes to talk to him but that person said she can't talk to him now. I think she is no longer sad. He's dead because he needs his rest.

Saturday
May 8, 2021

This time I went to church with my parents instead of Sunday school. Perhaps Sunday school is closed or it has to do with my dad. He is one of the elders in church. It was boring. I have no idea what the man talked about. People do not look happy. Many cough or sleep and they can not sing. You have to stand up if you sing and sit down to listen or for praying. Not that we pray we just close our eyes and wait till we say amen together. There were 4 collections and I had to put money in each bag and give it to the one sitting next to me. I had to stand up and walk because no one was sitting next to me.
The rest of the day I mainly sat on a chair in the living. I was not allowed to speak or do anything. Sundays are the worst. It's not tolerated to speak, have fun or play with other children. God doesn't want you to be happy.

Sunday
May 9, 2021

I still have one week vacation. The school is closed and dad is home but in the little room the entire day. We only ate together. I can do what I like if my mother is not at home and know when to be back home in time. She left in the afternoon to visit people.
I went outside to see if there is anyone I know to play with. Only a few children played at the parking lot but it is quiet outside. The weather isn't that bad. I couldn't stay long because I had to be home before the housekeeper left and my mother came back.

Monday
May 10, 2021

My mother cut Soot's hair again. She did not cut it like a Poodle this time. Now she knows he is not. Dad says he has more in common with a Bouvier. He's no longer a pup but a big dog. He's taller than Monty.

Tuesday
May 11, 2021

I went with my mother to the marketplace. She bought some bones for the dogs and I lost her. It's always crowded and I don't like crowds. The market is not nearby where I live and I can't find the way back home. So I stood there and didn't know what to do. Suddenly I saw her at the syrup waffles stand. She had not missed me and ordered waffles. She bought me a small bag of waffle snippets. I like them very much.
In the afternoon I watched tv after she had vacuumed the living. The housekeeper is not allowed to do it. She says only she knows how to do it in the right way. Each hair of the carpet has to stand in the same direction and you are not allowed to walk over it once the carpet is vacuumed. If you set one foot on it she is doing the entire room again. Sometimes she is doing it over and over for hours. Today I was lucky and she finished it in one hour and after that, she left.

Wednesday
May 12, 2021

It was a day like usual. I never notice I have a holiday or vacation. Each day I wake up early, each day I have to do my tasks, each day the house is dirty again and my mother keeps me at work.
The bag of the vacuum cleaner is emptied. My mother cuts it open empties it and uses tape to close it. The tape is black. She calls it linen tape. There's no dust and dirt in the bag only wool. Wool of the carpet. It's white and soft.
It's Ascension Day.

Thursday
May 13, 2021

Friday again. After the weekend I go back to school. I am tired of all the work.

Friday
May 14, 2021

My mother gave me pocket money and I hope I can buy a book.
Dad took me to the car wash and grocery and I was allowed to have a look in the bookstore. I sat on the floor in the corner where the books for children are while dad was asking or searching for books. I don't know what he did but I had time to read the titles and read a bit. I don't have enough money. Perhaps next week if dad goes back and I don't need to go along with the hiking club.

Saturday
May 15, 2021

We visited a restaurant in the city for dinner. It's in a park and zoo too but we never visit it.

Sunday
May 16, 2021