Numb

May 18, 2022

So much on my mind that whenever I laugh for a minute it then fades away
How did I become like this, what has happened to me that I became this wary?
Is it because life has never been good the way I wanted and planned it to be?
Or I just become dumb and didn't even notice that something changed in me.

Numb, I became like this out of pain and fear
Uttered useless words that I mustered in the dark
Making excuses like I am living with it all these years
Becoming one of the follower of the dark, hah

But wait, is this really who I am?
Is this what I really wanted from the start?
Am I swimming in the pool of guilt and anger?
Or am I just fooling myself to be one?

Should I end it to not feel the pain?
Or should I endure because I need to live for them?
Can I muster the courage to pull that knife off?
Should I hang myself or be puppet for life?

"Rise up child" you say like you know me
"I give up" as my respond and I received a slap
"You don't know what you're doing" oh really,and now you butting in
"So do you?" and you point your finger on me, foul

Now they leave, I should be happy I'm free to die
But my head says "What will my mother feel?"
Oh crap I forgot I'm a child of a most loving woman in the world
Guess I just need to hold on a bit longer for her

Mother, I'm sorry for being a pain in the ass
Guess this child of yours will be useless for life
I hope you can still stand it for as long as you can
Cause this child of yours honestly feels tired

This has been on my mind the whole day for I don't know the reason why these words came just like that. I wrote it on my notes but I am not really thinking of a specific person on this. Or am I? The songs might not fit but it just came to my mind to just put it on while reading the poem hehe. And I can't find a perfect title for this, sorry for the mess

Hahahaha..

My apologies for this article of mine. Those words just triggered me. Maybe the result of reading a lot of sad series where the people opted to leave a weak and weird people just because no one understands them. Or maybe I am sympathizing a certain person or even myself. I really don't know.

One thing I can say, try to talk to people you know if they're doing fine. I know you've been hearing this sentence a lot as I am too. Easy said than done but really, you'll never know if you don't try. A simple "Hello, how are you?" "Man, it's been too long what's up". It may be just a simple words but it can mean everything to them.

And before I forgot , thank you for the constant support and trust mate @Lucifer01

Thank you for reading!