Why envy when we can admire and learn?

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Avatar for fantagira
2 years ago

Thursday, 3rd of March 2022

As I sat to write this article, the title and the topic were completely different, but as I continued to write, one topic lead to another topic and yet another and I realised I'm heading for the book rather than the article. WHO am I to stop this creative flow though? Brace yourself for a long read, cause even after breaking it into 2 pieces, it is still very long.

Jealousy or envy? Which emotion am I feeling?

I guess I read way too many books when I was a child to understand certain emotions and their validity. ENVY is one of those I can’t seem to justify no matter what. JEALOUSY, maybe. Jealousy for me is more a matter of the heart. When you love someone and you see that person flirting with someone else, you might get jealous of them. The flood of emotions you feel is something really difficult to control. It is also connected with the other person and therefore something (somewhat) out of our control. I don’t consider myself to be a jealous person, but there were instances in my life when I felt trapped for while in the claws of jealousy - really NOT a cool emotion to feel. At the bottom of this emotion is usually the sense of insecurity, which gets triggered. I had to have a serious chat with myself about this ;)  

ENVY however is different from jealousy. Envy in my opinion can be defined in more of a material or should I say a tangible way: 

  • Person A owns a house you really like and you envy Person A this house. 

  • Person B has a boyfriend you fancy and you envy Person B this relationship they have. 

  • Person C has a skin colour that you wish you had and you envy Person C that skin. 

  • Person D is a beautiful dancer and you envy Person D the ‘natural’ skills they have.

  • Person E has a really great figure and you envy Person E that figure.

  • Person F is a really good writer and you envy that person for this skill. 

  • Person H has a witty come back to every rubbish anyone throws at them, so you envy them for their wit and intelligence. 

I could go on and on with the list, but you get where I am going with this. There are many things we can be envious of. Some of those things are outside of our control, while others have everything to do with who we are and how we go about life. 

You can envy people for their skin colour, their height, the texture of their hair or the family they were born into, but right now with all the inventions we have so far - you can NOT change any of these things. These are the factors outside of our control. 

Majority of other things we envy other people ARE within our reach and it all depends on how much we want these things and the price we are willing to pay for it. When I say the price, I really don’t talk about the money. Rather the amount of WORK you are willing to put into the thing/dream/desire you want to achieve.  

My ex partner loved to remind me that nothing in life is for free and that there are always sacrifices necessary. I agree with him, yet we always argue about it. It’s the choice of vocabulary that I disagree with, rather than the essence of what he’s saying. When I think of sacrifice, I see the cross and Jesus hanging on that cross for our sins. So painful, yet so unnecessary. When you think of the price to pay in this way, you will never want to pay that price, unless you are a masochist. 

Had I decided to be a doctor for example, despite the fact that I don’t like the sight of fresh blood nor do I work well under pressure and I cringe seeing skin being cut, yet I would still decide to be a doctor because that is what my parents want me to do, I would definitely sacrifice myself. 

Had I decided to do anything that I don’t love or even like doing, I would definitely sacrifice myself. Anything I would do to reach that goal would FEEL like a sacrifice. 

It is however a different story when you choose to do or achieve something that is in alignment with the song your heart wants to sing. Take dancing as my example. I have loved dancing ever since I remember. I was probably a dancer even in my previous life! In this life I was rather slacking about it. Despite my love for dancing, I never really took it seriously or decided to make it my career. I didn’t think this could work, so I left it along with my childhood dreams. No regrets there - I look at most people who made dancing their career and I really wouldn’t want to be them ;) 

However, there came a time when I discovered salsa in my early adulthood and my dreams of being a dancer were reignited. I started with 1 class a week, then 2 classes a week, then occasional salsa party, then a salsa congress and before I knew it, I was going out social dancing or training 6 days a week.

One evening I went to a salsa party in London and I saw a guy I then fancied performing on the stage with a girl I barely knew existed before this show. I was burned by the desire of being on that stage myself. All eyes on me, looking confident, gorgeous and fit, connecting with my partner by invisible force, while everyone is cheering and later congratulating me for a great show.

Mind you, I COULD choose a path of ENVY back then. I could envy her for her skills, for her confidence, for the eyes of the guy I fancied undressing her fit body on the stage. I COULD hate her and him. I COULD become bitter and spread gossip about her and do shit loads of other things that desperate people do when they can’t get what they want with their own work. That wouldn’t change the fact that she was the one sleeping with the guy I fancied, not me. 

Do you wanna know what I did instead? I approached her after the show to congratulate her on the great performance. I didn’t have to lie, she was really great and I couldn’t take my eyes off her. Guess what, she was really nice too. We spent like half an hour chatting as she explained all the ins and outs of performing and shared many of her own stories with me. ‘You could do this too’ she said to me. At that point I wasn’t even dancing for a year, so I wasn’t ready for that step, but I already knew that I will do whatever is in my power to be on that stage. 

Afterwards I was magically included in the in-crowd and invited to parties I wasn’t invited to before. That was an unexpected side effect of me approaching someone I admired to tell them that I did. We never become real close friends, but we always stop for a little chat whenever we see each other. We sure have mutual respect for each other. 

Over the next 2 years I was learning and training with various talented dancers and instructors. Envy is just such an unnecessary feeling for me. If someone has what I want I don’t waste my time and energy on envying them. I admire them, I get close to them, I observe them, I get to know them. I do it all to find out the price they are paying for their success and to decide whether I can afford to pay it too. Trust me, successful people are not that up their arses as we think they are and in most cases they are more than happy to share their keys to success with us all when we approach them.  

The question is - are you willing to pay the price they’re paying? Also how will you know the price if you don’t ask them?

Have I succeeded in being on that stage and getting the guy I fancied to look at me the same way he was looking at her? YES and YES. 

Never mind the guy though. He’s such a womaniser, he’d get his eyes on you sooner or later and whether you’d do something about it or not. Gotta love him though, he’s charming and a great dancer too. We’re still friends till this day.

The stage though… I realised I really love being on the stage. Even more - I LOVED all the hard work that had to be done to get to that stage. I loved the hard training, I loved when my muscles ache after hours of continuous rehearsals. I loved listening to the song I was performing to for HOURS, even in my sleep, until every fibre of my being knew every sound of this track. Until my body could express every tone that choreographer had in mind when creating the choreography. I did it all while working full time (60-70 hours a week) in engineering. I practiced even at work on my breaks. I cringed a little whenever I thought I was doing it well and my instructor asked me to correct it even more, but I corrected it anyway. I wanted to be really good and I worked my arse off to achieve it. 

Don’t take my word for it. Have a look for yourself and tell me if I managed:

If you think I managed, then tell me something else - would you rather be that girl who wanted something SO very much that she found a way to get it and died happy afterwards? Or would you be the one sitting in the corner, envying and getting bitter about it? Don’t answer me. Answer to yourself. Because what I found out from this experience is that it was never about the guy, but it was always about me. Guys come and go and it’s amazing to be wanted and I love being in love too, but it’s not about them, but ME. 

What I actually wanted was ME looking at MYSELF with the same amount of admiration I had for that girl years ago. I wanted it all for myself :) 

Did I achieve it?

YES!

As a result, I love and respect myself more than I did before. Side effects? Yeah, once I started loving and respecting myself more, other people also seem to love and respect me more too. Haters? I’m sure there are some, or maybe there are many. They can’t hate me while looking at me dancing though. For that moment they too have to fall in love or they can choose to turn away and not see.  

Back to sacrifice though. Would you call all I did a sacrifice? Tell me about it in the comments. Or write about it and tag me.   

Until next time 💙


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2 years ago

Comments

That dance and those smooth moves I'm your fan dear now seriously . Hopefully I learned the word envy and about it's feeling approximately 6-8months ago till then I only knew about jealousy aha small world . I'm a jealous that's good cuz envy people sit and watch most of the time whereas the jealous ones actually do something daring .

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2 years ago

This is awesome! I like how you approached the girl dancing rather than envy her. You dance so beautifully!!! I can't help but admire you! What a nice choreography

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2 years ago

Thank you Daria. This was already 8 years ago. I miss the training and performing times 💙

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2 years ago

Wow, it's really cool. It'll be hard not to miss it

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2 years ago

I think you did sacrificed to get what you ever wished for. Also, I must say it was an healthy envy you had because instead of feeling sad or unhappy about other people, you decided to make it an inspiration for you and you did excellently well becoming what you ever wanted.

I love the dress and the way you danced with the steps is just so awesome. Even if we must envy other people´s achievement, it should be a guide to inspire you and make you work for it to become great too.

$ 0.03
2 years ago

Thank you Princess. I think for me it never felt like sacrifice, because it was (and still is) bringing me so much joy, that I just can’t call it a sacrifice. Work, yes, but not sacrifice ☺️

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2 years ago

This is definitely a book...not an article... Glad you didn't stop the creative juice.

Well, envy is bad and as you have said, jealousy is necessary in some ways and it depends on the heart.

Oh... Mo...you know how much I love that dress...even when you told me the secret about it and how I wouldn't get what I was looking for...it didn't change the fact that you look absolutely stunning in it. I really need to learn how to dance. I just want to dance with you...even if it is just once.

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2 years ago

Right? My inspired nighttime writing is lost here 😅 If someone pay for the book at least they’ll read it (maybe) 😉

Haha, you naughty thing Ola! I seriously hope you will learn to dance salsa. My happiest moments are on the dance floor. Last night I danced with an old friend. He always stresses around me. At the end he said ‘One day I will get the Monika flow’ 😅 So funny, I know what he meant, but I also think people could enjoy dancing more if they just relaxed into it and let go. I’ve seen it happening with many guys after they learned not to stress around me 😅

$ 0.05
2 years ago

Hahahaha I guess that's something I would love to do around it. It's the carefree way you dance, swing, move your face and watch your body dance to the rhythm that fascinates me the most. You sure amazing hawt legs too.

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2 years ago

You would be surprised how many people looks stressed and self conscious when they dance. When I have a break from dancing and just sit and watch, I’m always wondering why people stress so much. We have this awesome place to escape and just have carefree fun and they stress 😅

Go learn to dance Ola. I want more awesome and fun dancers. I’m sure you’d get good at it fast!

$ 0.02
2 years ago

I would learn it fast when I hold you waist and have you in my arms... You teach so well too.

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2 years ago

Haha, romantic Ola! I couldn’t teach you to lead, but I could sure make sure your timing is impeccable 👌

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2 years ago

I would absolutely love that... I want my hand to dance to the rhythm of your waist.

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2 years ago

Poise, coordination, hand movements and positioning, body language, everyone in sync - it's a yes for me! I can really tell that you love it for that smile never left your face :)

I say that's a healthy kind of way to be envy of someone or something. You wanted that, you worked hard for it and achieved it. That's the kind of envy we should have. It's more about improving oneself, challenging oneself to be better and not wish someone ill or harming them and destroying them.

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2 years ago

Aww, thank you Lee 🥰 Dance floor is really a happy place for me, where worries have no place. It helps me forget about everything else and just be with the person I dance with. The same with nature, when I get lost in love, not other feelings can enter.

That’s why I said replacing envy with admiring/love is the trick. The sooner we can catch ourselves feeling envy, the sooner we can realise that we love what we see and make that love be the fuel rather than envy 💙

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2 years ago

You are passionate about dancing and if others don't know that yet, maybe they haven't read enough of your articles about it :D

$ 0.03
2 years ago

Who read articles these days Lee? Everyone just skims through, leave comment, maybe tip and move on. I better write a book 😅

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2 years ago

I wondered what turn it would have taken had you not admired but envied her. I know had it been envy, you wouldn't have approached her after. And perhaps you wouldn't have been invited to all the places you were invited to.

Like the part in the video where the hands was found over the heads. Hehehe. Had to take it back again and again and couldn't follow with my eyes

$ 0.03
2 years ago

I think I would hurt myself more than anyone else and become bitter in the process. I chose the happiness part. It looks bumpy, but it’s who we become in the end that defines us.

So happy you enjoyed the video. Which part is that with the hands over the heads (time in the video)? 💙

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2 years ago

1:52–2:15 or so. Not sure exactly.

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2 years ago

Ah, I see. Our instructor loves all kinds of ‘magical tricks’ that look confusing, but once you learned them, they seem easy 😉 We have great instructors 💙

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2 years ago

When great instructors and great dancers meet, perfection is created. It's one thing to listen to instructions and another to carry it out. You all are great!

$ 0.01
2 years ago

Aww, thank you so much 💙

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2 years ago

That's a 10/10 from me!! You are on the next round fantagira!! Oh wait I thought this was Britain's Got Talent!

I'm speechless. You were brilliant! I watched the video without reading anything and didn't realize it was you, I thought it was professional dancers!

$ 0.03
2 years ago

Haha, thanks Pantera! I watched BGT maybe 5 times in my life, when visiting friends, as I don’t have TV at home. I remember watching Polish dancing with the start years ago. Loved watching it, but stopped once I started training myself, as no time.

Nice to have these memories on video for the time when I’m old and wrinkly ;)

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2 years ago

Whao.. This was such a long read and I did read it all, I have so much to say, but I will keep it short, well I had an idea recently to write on emotions which I will do later this month, also I'm glad all your hard work pay, wanna ask are you the lady at the front dancing, I don't think I'm a stage dancer, but I like being on the stage to talk and get people to listen to me. Jealousy; one time like that, and like you said it cause insecurity and it can actually end bad for someone.. I think I will stop Here

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2 years ago

Hi, yes, I'm right in front of the camera, as this was my friend recording it for me.

Believe me or not, but I could die from stress if I was on the stage to talk. I shake even talking in front of my class mates back in school 😅 But I can dance and enjoy it... how weird ;)

I'll be happy to read your take on emotions of jealousy/envy. You're welcome to tag me when your article is ready.

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2 years ago

Ok😀😀 If I where in your country now, I would have come for some dance lessons😁

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2 years ago

You ask which one will go for? Most people will choose envy cos it doesn't require any work, when they could easily put that effort into learning and becoming the person they envy

$ 0.03
2 years ago

Sad, but true. There is so much happiness to be found when we strive to be better though 💙

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2 years ago

Wow. You are a great dancer, my friend. Good decision to love yourself more than you did before. It always starts with ourselves. Self-love and self-respect are very important.

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2 years ago

Thank you for your kind words. I think many people repeat that phrase without actually applying it.

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2 years ago

You're welcome my friend. I actually love myself more than I did before. I even give more respect to myself this time. Thank you for this reminders

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2 years ago

I’m happy to hear that 💙

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2 years ago

Yes thank you my friend

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2 years ago

I believe those came from since human being creation. God created human being for welfare, dignity and good deeds. But human being still messing everything up.

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2 years ago

True that, we're such weird, complex creatures ;)

$ 0.00
2 years ago

I wish I could dance like that....

I grew up a very envious person before maybe because we have so little in life but I use that to make a better version of me..

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2 years ago

I am happy to hear that sis. Trust me, if you knew how little we had, you'd cry. I was always the poorest child in class, plus an alcoholic dad that beat up the family. I had ALL the reasons to envy other people.

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2 years ago

Enviousness is inevitable.. We can make it positive if we use it as inspiration to succeed and be better on our own.

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2 years ago

oh my god what a beautiful lesson... I just could not take my eyes off of that dance, it was so sensual and amazing... you are a queen to approach another queen and complimented her genuinely, not everyone does that. Major kudos to you :)

$ 0.11
2 years ago

There are many comments, but so far I think you’re the only person who actually read this article 😅 Thank you sis, You deserve a medal! 💙

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2 years ago

I actually did, I love how you wrote the journey,, it was like reading from an amazing motivational book.. Loved it

$ 0.03
2 years ago

I think book is what I need to write instead of articles sis! Nobody reads my articles anyway 😅

But seriously, if only one person actually reads and gets touched by something I wrote, that’s my job done. Thank you for being that person 💙

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2 years ago

You just made my day and it inspires me to take time and read more articles :) Thank you,

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2 years ago

So happy to hear that sis. There are some gems around here. I try to go to main page and see if any title of unknown to me writers pops out. Reading more quality writings makes us better writers too 💙

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2 years ago

Trueee! Why envy when we can admire and learn? Getting envious will only lead us to negativities if not halted. It is indeed better to appreciate our uniqueness and differences.

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2 years ago

They differ from each other, me too I feel envy with people who gained alot of upovotes here, so what I did was I used it as an inspiration and motivation to strive more on my articles.

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2 years ago

I am very happy to hear that's what you did. I did the same since I joined here last year. We can learn so much from people who did things before us :)

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2 years ago

Jealousy is the killer of inner happiness. You have explained the difference between the two very well. Btw I agree with your words.

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2 years ago

Thank you, happy to hear you enjoyed my explanations:)

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2 years ago

My thoughts exactly. How Ironic :D Well said, Monika!! Happy Friday, sis!

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2 years ago

I agree jealousy and envy are two different things Whenever I see my parents love my other siblings more than me

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2 years ago