Why envy when we can admire and learn?

Thursday, 3rd of March 2022

As I sat to write this article, the title and the topic were completely different, but as I continued to write, one topic lead to another topic and yet another and I realised I'm heading for the book rather than the article. WHO am I to stop this creative flow though? Brace yourself for a long read, cause even after breaking it into 2 pieces, it is still very long.

Jealousy or envy? Which emotion am I feeling?

I guess I read way too many books when I was a child to understand certain emotions and their validity. ENVY is one of those I can’t seem to justify no matter what. JEALOUSY, maybe. Jealousy for me is more a matter of the heart. When you love someone and you see that person flirting with someone else, you might get jealous of them. The flood of emotions you feel is something really difficult to control. It is also connected with the other person and therefore something (somewhat) out of our control. I don’t consider myself to be a jealous person, but there were instances in my life when I felt trapped for while in the claws of jealousy - really NOT a cool emotion to feel. At the bottom of this emotion is usually the sense of insecurity, which gets triggered. I had to have a serious chat with myself about this ;)  

ENVY however is different from jealousy. Envy in my opinion can be defined in more of a material or should I say a tangible way: 

• Person A owns a house you really like and you envy Person A this house. 

• Person B has a boyfriend you fancy and you envy Person B this relationship they have. 

• Person C has a skin colour that you wish you had and you envy Person C that skin. 

• Person D is a beautiful dancer and you envy Person D the ‘natural’ skills they have.

• Person E has a really great figure and you envy Person E that figure.

• Person F is a really good writer and you envy that person for this skill. 

• Person H has a witty come back to every rubbish anyone throws at them, so you envy them for their wit and intelligence. 

I could go on and on with the list, but you get where I am going with this. There are many things we can be envious of. Some of those things are outside of our control, while others have everything to do with who we are and how we go about life. 

You can envy people for their skin colour, their height, the texture of their hair or the family they were born into, but right now with all the inventions we have so far - you can NOT change any of these things. These are the factors outside of our control. 

Majority of other things we envy other people ARE within our reach and it all depends on how much we want these things and the price we are willing to pay for it. When I say the price, I really don’t talk about the money. Rather the amount of WORK you are willing to put into the thing/dream/desire you want to achieve.  

My ex partner loved to remind me that nothing in life is for free and that there are always sacrifices necessary. I agree with him, yet we always argue about it. It’s the choice of vocabulary that I disagree with, rather than the essence of what he’s saying. When I think of sacrifice, I see the cross and Jesus hanging on that cross for our sins. So painful, yet so unnecessary. When you think of the price to pay in this way, you will never want to pay that price, unless you are a masochist. 

Had I decided to be a doctor for example, despite the fact that I don’t like the sight of fresh blood nor do I work well under pressure and I cringe seeing skin being cut, yet I would still decide to be a doctor because that is what my parents want me to do, I would definitely sacrifice myself. 

Had I decided to do anything that I don’t love or even like doing, I would definitely sacrifice myself. Anything I would do to reach that goal would FEEL like a sacrifice. 

It is however a different story when you choose to do or achieve something that is in alignment with the song your heart wants to sing. Take dancing as my example. I have loved dancing ever since I remember. I was probably a dancer even in my previous life! In this life I was rather slacking about it. Despite my love for dancing, I never really took it seriously or decided to make it my career. I didn’t think this could work, so I left it along with my childhood dreams. No regrets there - I look at most people who made dancing their career and I really wouldn’t want to be them ;) 

However, there came a time when I discovered salsa in my early adulthood and my dreams of being a dancer were reignited. I started with 1 class a week, then 2 classes a week, then occasional salsa party, then a salsa congress and before I knew it, I was going out social dancing or training 6 days a week.

One evening I went to a salsa party in London and I saw a guy I then fancied performing on the stage with a girl I barely knew existed before this show. I was burned by the desire of being on that stage myself. All eyes on me, looking confident, gorgeous and fit, connecting with my partner by invisible force, while everyone is cheering and later congratulating me for a great show.

Mind you, I COULD choose a path of ENVY back then. I could envy her for her skills, for her confidence, for the eyes of the guy I fancied undressing her fit body on the stage. I COULD hate her and him. I COULD become bitter and spread gossip about her and do shit loads of other things that desperate people do when they can’t get what they want with their own work. That wouldn’t change the fact that she was the one sleeping with the guy I fancied, not me. 

Do you wanna know what I did instead? I approached her after the show to congratulate her on the great performance. I didn’t have to lie, she was really great and I couldn’t take my eyes off her. Guess what, she was really nice too. We spent like half an hour chatting as she explained all the ins and outs of performing and shared many of her own stories with me. ‘You could do this too’ she said to me. At that point I wasn’t even dancing for a year, so I wasn’t ready for that step, but I already knew that I will do whatever is in my power to be on that stage. 

Afterwards I was magically included in the in-crowd and invited to parties I wasn’t invited to before. That was an unexpected side effect of me approaching someone I admired to tell them that I did. We never become real close friends, but we always stop for a little chat whenever we see each other. We sure have mutual respect for each other. 

Over the next 2 years I was learning and training with various talented dancers and instructors. Envy is just such an unnecessary feeling for me. If someone has what I want I don’t waste my time and energy on envying them. I admire them, I get close to them, I observe them, I get to know them. I do it all to find out the price they are paying for their success and to decide whether I can afford to pay it too. Trust me, successful people are not that up their arses as we think they are and in most cases they are more than happy to share their keys to success with us all when we approach them.  

The question is - are you willing to pay the price they’re paying? Also how will you know the price if you don’t ask them?

Have I succeeded in being on that stage and getting the guy I fancied to look at me the same way he was looking at her? YES and YES. 

Never mind the guy though. He’s such a womaniser, he’d get his eyes on you sooner or later and whether you’d do something about it or not. Gotta love him though, he’s charming and a great dancer too. We’re still friends till this day.

The stage though… I realised I really love being on the stage. Even more - I LOVED all the hard work that had to be done to get to that stage. I loved the hard training, I loved when my muscles ache after hours of continuous rehearsals. I loved listening to the song I was performing to for HOURS, even in my sleep, until every fibre of my being knew every sound of this track. Until my body could express every tone that choreographer had in mind when creating the choreography. I did it all while working full time (60-70 hours a week) in engineering. I practiced even at work on my breaks. I cringed a little whenever I thought I was doing it well and my instructor asked me to correct it even more, but I corrected it anyway. I wanted to be really good and I worked my arse off to achieve it. 

Don’t take my word for it. Have a look for yourself and tell me if I managed:

If you think I managed, then tell me something else - would you rather be that girl who wanted something SO very much that she found a way to get it and died happy afterwards? Or would you be the one sitting in the corner, envying and getting bitter about it? Don’t answer me. Answer to yourself. Because what I found out from this experience is that it was never about the guy, but it was always about me. Guys come and go and it’s amazing to be wanted and I love being in love too, but it’s not about them, but ME. 

What I actually wanted was ME looking at MYSELF with the same amount of admiration I had for that girl years ago. I wanted it all for myself :) 

Did I achieve it?

YES!

As a result, I love and respect myself more than I did before. Side effects? Yeah, once I started loving and respecting myself more, other people also seem to love and respect me more too. Haters? I’m sure there are some, or maybe there are many. They can’t hate me while looking at me dancing though. For that moment they too have to fall in love or they can choose to turn away and not see.  

Back to sacrifice though. Would you call all I did a sacrifice? Tell me about it in the comments. Or write about it and tag me.   

Until next time 💙