Have you found yourself?

I wanted to know.

I wanted to ask him.

Have you found yourself...?

Sometime in 2017, out of the blue, I received a chat from an acquaintance asking for help in processing his Pag-ibig membership application. I'm not an employee of Pag-ibig office but didn't question why he asked for my help. Just told myself that maybe I'm the only one whom he knows is living in the city. I replied to him with the things he needed to prepare for his needed application based on what I searched on google.

While exchanging messages, I remembered I also have something to process at Pag-ibig and that he is not familiar with some places in the city. That friendly me suggested to accompany him in submitting his documents. ( I also wanted to meet him and return the favor of accompanying him in an unfamiliar place like what he did before when we are in their place). We both checked our schedules and during those times, my day-off is scheduled every Wednesday and Sunday. However, he has a different schedule of day-off, but he was able to coordinate and have some changes in his schedule for the week in order for him to be available on a Wednesday.

Who is he..?

You might be wondering, who is this guy I'm referring to. I met him during our field practice (on-the-job training) wherein I together with three classmates were assigned to a Municipality we haven't been to before. Since we have to stay in the place for more than 5 months we have rented a room near the Municipal Hall. The owner of the house where we stayed manages a mini store and snack place. It was where I met this guy. Let's call him "Tj" for this article. He usually spends time in the snack place sharing stories with the owner who is also his grandmother. And I think you know what happened next 😁

You can check also the works of the following:

Pag-ibig days

Going back to the Pag-ibig application. That was the first time we met each other since I finished my field practice and that was years ago. Although we are friends on Facebook, but have not updated each other for a couple of years.

We were able to accomplish the processing and continued updating each other's lives over a cup of coffee. Since that day, we did have regular communication until he courted me for a couple of weeks. (You might say I'm too excited to have a boyfriend, why did I agree to be his girlfriend that short time. Maybe because I have already developed a feeling towards him when I first met him before or maybe because of my "katangahan" (stupidity) or maybe because no one is courting me at that time). While being together, we found out we did actually have mutual feelings for each other before, but no one had the courage to express it.

"Ng dahil sa pag-ibig nakahanap ng pag-ibig". I remembered him saying those words before.

He is staying and working in a nearby Municipality. He also doesn't have a regular work schedule that makes it hard for us to meet daily or weekly. We just go out when we have the same schedule of free time. That has never been a big deal for me especially that it takes time to travel from his place to mine. While writing this, I just realized it was always him exerting the effort of visiting me. Why did I not also at least visited him once..?

As to how sweet two people are in their first months of being in a relationship, it was also the same for us. Memories of being together were created. After a couple of months, things happened. I am used to him not replying immediately because of his work and addiction to games but still tries his best to send a message before and after his work. However, daily updating turned from once a week to twice a month. Until I received a message. Can't exactly remember the words but the idea of breaking up because he wants to find himself first, he doesn't want to be a burden..., Learning from my past relationship I did what he asked for. (You might think I may have not loved him that made me let go that easy). The social worker in me wanted to know what is really wrong and how can we fix it as I have told him. But if he is not happy, he is not already enjoying being with me, then why hold on. (That was not an easy decision actually).

I did share this with a guy friend, but according to his instinct, Tj might have someone else, which made him leave me. The innocent me actually didn't believe in that. (It is because I got to know him, and found out he really does not still know what he really wanted to do or accomplish. Or I am just justifying?)

Did you find it?

This happened a long time ago, why am I writing it now?

I was scrolling Facebook yesterday when I saw his name commenting on a post, that made me stalk his FB Account. He is usually online, but Facebook isn't his thing. I saw some of his tagged posts and remembered him, remembered those happy moments with him, and remembered the reason why he left.

I wanted to send him a message, and ask:

Did you find yourself..? Did it make you feel better about yourself..? Are you now ready to be in a relationship, or are you already in a relationship..?

Those questions I'm dying to ask, but I think I don’t have the courage to ask.., hence, will have those questions remain unanswered.

September 20, 2021 (Written after stalking his Facebook account)