My worst enemy

Can you believe that it is already June? We are about halfway through the year. How's it going with all your goals? Sadly, my 2022 goals are still a part of my wishes as I have not yet made any step into achieving it. I feel like I somehow agree to what my dad has been telling me before that I lack the drive and dedication and I am not that ambitious. In few months I will be a year older yet I feel as if I am a fresh graduate with nothing to be proud of.

I feel a little emotional today not only because of our family gathering yesterday but because we received a letter from my aunt from the US this morning. My aunt is old school. She does not have an internet and neither does she have a smartphone. We called her right away as soon as we finished reading her letter. She just wanted to ask us how we were since it was March when we last called her. The she was also telling us that my late grandfather spent a lot of money for my uncle who took up medicine but he is the poorest among all the siblings. I cannot help but to relate to that because my dad spent a lot of money for my education but here I am not wanting to go back to my chosen career path. I feel like I will get grilled the moment that my aunt will decide to visit the Philippines. All the mean words that my aunt spoke about my uncle, I felt it. They say that the truth hurts. Even if it was not directly pertaining to me, I was saddened because I can very much relate to every hurtful words that she said. As much as I want to use it as motivation, I cannot seem to do so as of this moment. I am feeling a little faint-hearted. I may not know the reason why my uncle did not turn out to be wealthy unlike with other doctors from his batch. With me, I know that I am still so hung up from my past and that I am not really serious about my life and my future.

Yesterday, my dad's opening remarks for our family meeting was, "it was in the past so we only have to be positive and move forward". That line kept on playing on my head over and over even in my sleep and the moment I woke up this morning. I agree with JLoberiza when he commented on one of my recent articles that failures are a part of a person's success. However, I feel like I was always making a lot of mistakes and had failed numerous times that I cannot seem to move on from it especially from my past. It was only recently that I said on my article, Progress, "past is past and that we should continue moving forward". What are the odds that I would be hearing that from my dad for our family meeting right? I never once in my life have I imagined that I would hear that mainly from him. He is not really the type to say those things as he would always be negative to the point of discriminating or letting you down. It was his way of encouraging me and my brother when we were still studying. Of course that time we never really understood why he would speak of negativities rather than motivating us. It was when we were already working that I found out that it was his way to encourage and motivate us. I took it the wrong way so instead of improving, I proved to him that I was much worst than what he thinks.

I do not know why I always look back at my past and would eventually get stuck from moving forward. It is as if my past is holding me back in making some progress. I know I have already accepted the fact that I should be blamed for how my life ended up to be because of my wrong decisions but I feel like I have stepped on a quicksand that as much as I want to take a step forward, I keep on getting myself deeper and deeper into the sand. Maybe there are still a lot of things, feelings or secrets that have been bottling up inside me. I know that in order for me not to get affected by some hurtful words, I needed to improve more on myself. But how can I improve if I keep on looking back at my past and getting stuck at one point? Do I really lack that drive and dedication? Am I not really an ambitious person? Or is it because I still do not know my purpose? I cannot help but to be stressed out with all of these things. I just hope that this feeling will not be for the whole month of June even if I ended my May and started my June in a not so good way. Right now, I know that my biggest and worst enemy is myself and I think it has been my enemy ever since. I do not know how I am going to improve myself for the better but I hope that I will have that courage to do so.

June 01, 2022

P.S. lead image is a photo of my worst enemy, me.