Am I considered a suicidal person?

Blog:205-11th
Date :November 14,2022
Time :04:14pm

The thought of hurting yourself is considered a suicidal person. Well didn't try to hurt me but I tried to hold my breath to act like I'm dead.

So here is what happened. I was a single mom when I started doing that holding my breath and acting like I'm dead. Mom and I had a terrible fight and I was crying so hard. I felt like I couldn't breathe anymore because of the pain I felt at that time so I tried to hold my breath so the pain in my heart will stop. When my mom noticed that I am not moving or making any sounds she immediately poke my head and said "hoy pagtarung diha ky naa palay anak nga atimanon" (hey be good you still a daughter to take care of). So that was the first incident in that I tried to hold my breath so the pain I feel will stop.

Then I did it again when I was in a relationship with a woman. We also had a terrible fight that I was crying so hard. As always if I cried so much it makes my heart feel so much pain so my way of stopping the pain that I feel is to hold my breath. When my lesbian partner notice that I am not breathing anymore she got panicked and tried to wake me up, of course, I am conscious and I can hear everything she have said. I think I did it twice when I was with her.

However, I thought I will never do that kind of thing anymore until I meet Michael. I've already written a story about us entitled until we meet again. Michael is a close-minded person and a very jealous person. There was a time when we had a fight while traveling home from the grocery. He speed up the motorcycle and I was so mad at him that I told him to stop coz if he wanted to die then wag niya akong idamay at kailangan pa ako ng anak ko (not let me be dead too coz my daughter still needs me) so he stops and then I throw my phone and my bag unto him. I was so hysterical at that time I was shouting at him. I was so mad at him. It is just so hard to explain to someone who is a very close-minded person. No matter how you tried to explain yourself they will only believe their selves. He decided to bring me to a place where we can talk. I thought he finally understand me but then we had a fight again over the same issue since I was fed up with explaining to him I just cried so hard and tried to hold my breath, when he noticed that I am not breathing he got panicked and tried to wake me up. He ask me if I wanted to drink some water.

Then I did it again when I was still with Michael we had another fight and I was trying to calm him down as he wanted to leave and I don't want him to drive coz he is drunk but he never listened to me so I tried to hold my breath again. That time my daughter was with me I knew how much my daughter worried so much, she ask Michael not to leave coz I am not breathing then Michael calm down.

I think that was the last time I did it but that was the time that I notice a blood clot in my right eye. I never thought it would end up that way. Maybe I hold my breath for a longer period of time than before that's why I had that blood clot in my eye.

When the last time Michael and I had a fight again I already break up with him. I was fed up with the fighting and jealousy. I have to think about my daughter. She doesn't deserve to be in a toxic environment. The breakup leads Michael to end up his life.

Ending thoughts

Holding my breath it's not my intention to hurt myself. It was just my way of stopping the pain that I feel and also it was my way of making my exes calm down. I know partly it's also considered hurting myself but I never thought of ending my life.

Just to clarify to those who don't understand my point in this article. As I said I hold my breath not to hurt myself. If you have read my explanation of each incident you will understand why I did it. Anyway, those incidents are part of my past and they happened long years already.

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