Molding Myself

I used to think of myself as a broken glass. Something that shatters repeatedly until I turn into dust. The reflections they see in me seems enough to trick them into believing I am okay. The demons whisper, "That means no one really cares for you", and I find it hard to disagree.

It has been a few years since I have been diagnosed with depression, two years since I stopped taking the medication and going to appointments. It was not because I wanted to but more like I needed to. The treatment and pills were not working, and I only acted like I am doing better then, for the sake of my family. They were incredibly happy that I was doing better. I did not have the heart to tell them the truth.

For a few more months, I struggled in silence. The demons are there always following me around and whispering awful things. I would start to isolate myself and not do things that I needed to. I would feel so tired and so hopeless. I knew something was wrong but I could not figure out what.

Then, I forced myself to get out of bed, everyday. Even if I leave it in a messy state. Every day, I would challenge myself to do the mundane tasks I have been putting off. Then getting up becomes easier, and I could finally comb my hair that had become a bird's nest during my relapse. Just a minute is my favorite phrase. I would do this in just a minute and then stop. Just one thing for a minute, may not seem much to others but back then it was difficult. However, I kept in mind that I do not want to go back to before. I am lucky, luckier than most who struggled with depression. I have a good support system which helps me not to get to caught up in the rabbit hole that is my mind.

Slowly, I learn how to function semi-normally, if somehow not as emotional as others. Then, pandemic happened and all the routine I got used to was no longer an option. I could not wake up early to go to school early that I can people watch. I can not walk home from school as my form of exercise and meditation. I can not feed the stray cats that I encounter. I can not do what I wanted.

It was an agonizing new few months until I decided that maybe I could try something new. Something that will distract me and heal me at the same time. I ordered some air dry clay and waited. When it arrived, I was not expecting much. I thought that it will be a miserable waste of money but I was wrong.

The feeling of being able to mold the clay into the form I wanted it to take feels amazing. It was like I can take control of my life. I let myself enjoy something for the first time again in a few years and I had the best sleep that night. When I saw the clay clips I made, I was so happy, it felt weird but the good kind of weird.

This experience gave me the idea that finding something that will make you feel in control of what happens, helped me cope with my depression. Depression made me feel like I was just a prisoner of my own mind and I could not do anything to control my life. But this molding air dry clay to make them into cute paper clips made me feel like what my mind is telling is not true. I can do what I want if I take it step by step, like molding clay. I could do that to myself too. And that is what I started doing, I am molding myself to become the person I want to be.

Depression is still there but it is manageable. Some days, it gets worse but I just take it easy and do not pressure myself to snap out of it. I acknowledge what I am feeling and just do my best everyday. Sometimes, just breathing is my best and I learned that it is enough.