Journey to finding my passion

I found this site after I dabbled a bit on noise.cash. I am starting to feel confident in my writing again so I decided to make an account here for longer thoughts that seem to be misplaced at the other site.

Many people may be familiar with the word Ikigai. It is a Japanese word which means the thing that motivates you to get out of bed every morning or in other words, it can be your passion. Everyone aims to look for that spark- the one that you can say is your life purpose.

Some people might know theirs the moment they are old enough to declare their wishes to the world. To be honest, I envy those people. From the beginning they already know what they want so every step they have taken is significant to the path they wished to take.

As for me, it took me quite a while to get to know myself enough to even have an idea about what might passion be. Even now, I am still not sure if I am writing because people have praised my for my poems or if it is because this is something that frees me.

It took a lot of trial and errors to narrow down my interests however even then it is still a lot. I tried dancing before but stopped it after getting teased about how stiff I look when dancing. I was part of the choir back in elementary but I never sang again once my voice changed and I could no longer reach the high notes I was used to.

I tried painting and drawing. For a while this seemed to be the thing that I will never give up but after a while I grew more frustrated instead of feeling happy. I do not feel as calm as I thought I should be. I was filled with worries and insecurities. I stopped and when I came back to it I was in a better place and I was much appreciative of my works instead of beating myself to the ground with criticisms.

Writing has provided me a great way to feel at peace with my thoughts. When I feel overwhelmed, I just do a few minutes of free writing and my worries seem to disappear. I was even having the best time of my life as I watched my audience grew from 10 people to more than 20,000! It was great until I started writing to please others. I stopped using writing as a way to express myself instead I use it to feed my ego as my following grew. I was not happy anymore.

I took a break from all the things I used to love and find new hobbies. I tried gaming. I found that I liked farming simulation games where I can just relax and wait for my crops to grow. The pandemic happened and I spent the first half enjoying myself with distractions like cooking, designing my room, and playing games.

As the time goes on though, I could no longer ignore the emptiness I feel. I wanted to find something I can do and be happy with. So I ordered things for some of the activities I wanted to try but never really paid it any mind because I thought it would not make me money.

I would share my pandemic realizations in a different post but the thing that stayed with me is that whatever happens, it is okay to take a break. Maybe what I am doing is not my ikigai but right now it is what I want to be doing. I can focus on the present instead of worrying if this is my spark or not. I could just do what I want and be happy that I am getting a little closer to my passion as I find things I am not passionate about. For me, I would just like to enjoy what life has to offer instead of being anxious about finding my own passion when I have too many interests.