An anxious month for me. Am I okay?

The beginning of this month is not so good to me as I experienced a lot of problem resulting that I became anxious and to be honest this is one my worst anxiety that I have experienced since I gave birth.

As I am typing this now and not yet starting to share some of the reason why I'm anxious I am already crying. You know the feeling that you are so tired and you want want to be gone but you can't because there's a people who depending on you.

It's been 10 months since my mother left the house. I didn't made a single article about it because I don't want to share it as I am not comfortable that you guys judge my mother but my virtual friends knew those down moments of my life as I shared it to them on Telegram.

First week of September when my brother called me and he was crying and I told him why. He said our mother called him and asking for help because she leave the job as a maid and she has no place to live. As an eldest among my siblings I am incharge when it comes in decision making because they are also relaying to me. My brother called Sunday and my father was here in the house. I don't know what to do , should I tell it to my father or should we do our action without telling him.

So my brother he will take good care of my mother but he will be renting another apartment in Manila. I told him that Mama will be bored there and it's not safe to live in Manila now because of Covid cases. I told him to asked Mama if she wants to go home but my brother said she don't want because our father will only throw hurtful words against him.

Then I started to opened it to my father and he said my mother is already forgiven but make sure if she will be back here she's willing to change her attitude. Maybe you are wondering what happened to them? My mother committed an adultery and you know what worst? She even spend money for the guy which was my father's hard earned money that why my father is so broken until now but my father is still a good man to forgive my mother.

After I told that to my father I saw in his eyes that he still not okay. It seems like that pain brings back. You know the feeling of you are in the process of moving on but destiny will not allowed you to be. I said to my father that what we need to do is to accept our situation and if my brother wants to take good care of my mom then let him. After all she's our mother and it will never changed even if she committed something bad.

Last November , I am the one who did the role of my mother in the house. I am the one who look after on my niece because my sister is working , I am also the one who always check on my father from time to time because I know he is going through something painful. I am a mother and a wife also And there's an other stress to me because of our younger brother who always borrowed some money.

It's been 10 months since my life is like that. Same routine , same vibes. It feels like I am the one who is suffering because of the problem they created but still I manage to be positive. I find ways to look forward positively. Despite of what's happening on me in real life , I still manage to make an article and make some noise because aside from earning it is also my outlet to released my heavy feelings like now that I created this one.

Maybe I interacted less , I'm sorry for commenting on a few articles and not engaging with lot of users but that's what I can. I am busy in the house all day taking good care of my son and niece and the only time I can interact is when they are asleep. If only I can always find time then I will but sadly I can't that's why I accepted that I will be a user here who got a small views and likes and to be honest I am just fine with it because that's only what I can for now but like what Madam @Ruffa said , be like BDO. I will find ways too.

So last September 12 , my brother and I had a conversation again and he said our mother will stay temporarily in our Aunt's house in Bataan until their house in Bulacan will turn over to them. Our situation is not okay now and no one wants this kind o situation but we have no choice. You know the feeling that you can't do anything? I am not a bad daughter to my mother , I love her that's why I always make sure that she's safe even if she's not in the house anymore. What I can do is to pray and wait for the time that my father is already healed.

I also send some money to my brother for my mothers allowance and that money is my noise.cash earnings.

It's my first time to write this one. I choose to be silent so that no one will be affected. I didn't post on social media nor opening to my friends except to my slightly BFF which is @Kai09 . She knows all of what I have been through. This is one of the problems I am facing this month. There's more but I think I will make an another article about it.

I will end it here as my pillow is so wet because of my tears.

Update: After I wrote this article earlier I saw my memories on my Facebook account and here's what I saw.

I know God is with me all the time ♥️ I really feel His presence and He find ways to make me calm. Indeed He is so amazing God.