Today hits different. As usual, I do my daily routines. But today was different because I woke up earlier than my alarm and I became so productive.
I was too lazy to go out of bed to the point that I was forcing my eyes to close even my body is already wide awake. Minutes of contemplating whether to get out of bed and I finally gave in. Mom told me that we will be doing something but I was already occupied during the morning. I finished transcribing my notes and checking the university website if there is an activity that is due.
Hours later, Mom kept telling me to check out the clothes that she found on the boxes of my grandfather. Initially, I wasn't interested because I was doing my notes but she kept insisting on me to take a look at it. After I was finished with the first handout, I immediately took a look at it and saw the clothes. Those are my sizes and all of it was branded --- Old Navy, Armani Exchange, Levi's, Banana Republic, etc.
I ate lunch first before proceeding on further checking out the clothes. After that, I helped Mom to sort out the clothes and to my surprise, there are still a lot of clothes that fit me. I was even shocked when I saw the pants there --- there are corduroy pants and even corduroy jackets.
I mentioned that it was my grandfather's clothes. Those boxes were stocked in the old house for over a decade and since then, no one has opened them. So, today was the first time in a while that my grandfather's things saw the light. LoL. He has so many clothes because he once lived and work in the US. He stayed there for quite some time.
As I was exploring the boxes, I saw his pictures and some of our relatives. I could say that he was handsome in his younger years. He was a very fine man.
There are school supplies that were in the boxes and I checked every page of the notebook if it was used or not. This one notebook that caught my attention has two occupied pages that served as a diary/ journal of my grandfather. Since I was being nosy, I read it.
He wrote it on the 27th of April year 2009 at 3:05 midnight. I'll try to tell you what's in his journal. He told his story about why he moved back here to the Philippines. It was because of his Mom. He wanted to personally take care of her. Although he had doubts about his decisions, he was left with no choice but to take care of his Mom since his siblings have their own families.
He knew deep in his heart that moving back to the Philippines will make his life miserable. And so it did turn out that way. He was fully aware of the consequences of moving back and relying on his sister for his financial needs.
What made me cry inside was when he said that by writing his thoughts, the lingering doubt would subside but he also knew that it will not alleviate his situation. The writing was the best way to let out the things that he cannot say to his family.
He wrote it as if he was talking to someone. I can tell that we have the same style of writing journals --- writing our thoughts and as if we were talking to someone. He then asked, "What exactly is my problem? Why is it that it bothers me so much that I am very depressed right now? I'm not confused yet I am worrying a lot "
He was worried about his future. He knew that time would come that his Mom would pass away and he will be left behind and got nothing. His main problem at that time was money, he kept thinking of it. He was already accepting the fact that he can no longer go back to the US because he promised his self that he will personally take care of his Mom. Even though his Visa was about to expire in July that year, he still couldn't afford the plane ticket. The only person that can help him was also short in money --- his sister.
Reading all that two-page journal gave me a chance to know him better. Growing up we were told that we have a grandfather that was addicted to drugs before and the only thing that they can only tell us was that. That miserable life that he wrote in his journal became true.
I met him 3 years ago when I went to Makati and stayed there for a while. He was okay. He doesn't live there, he just stays there because of my baby cousin Lucas. He's the one taking care of him.
Kalibo, Aklan became his home when his mom passed away. That's why we never got the chance to see him while we were growing up.
I felt bad for him and myself for the times that I just knew what he has gone through for all those years. He was a kind, loving son and a sibling, a great uncle, and a great grandfather.
There was this running thought in my mind that if time will come, who would sacrifice the life that we have to take care of our parents?
Me being nosily paved the way to learn more about him. And that's why today hits different.
Even before, depression has already existed. It is so hard for a man to speak up about his problems and lingering thoughts because he doesn't want to be labeled as soft and weak.
If ever you encountered a situation where your guy friend needs help, don't hesitate to reach out to them. It matters.
To all the guys who have been keeping all of their problems to themselves, know that you can always have someone to talk to. It's okay if you're not ready yet. Your feelings are valid. You are loved. You are appreciated.
Crying doesn't make you look weak or soft, it makes you human.
In celebrating the #WorldMentalHealthDay, may we lend an ear to someone in need? Let us stop the stigma. Together, we can make it happen.
Author's Note:
If you've come this far, thank you! I appreciate it. This may be a lengthy post but this is who I am, telling a story.
Check out my previous articles:
as what I've noticed, guys really are the most emotional ones, it's just that they're good at hiding it