My Untold Love Story: My First Ever Crush

Just like anyone of you, I also experience the feeling of having a first love during my High school years. It is so unforgettable and filled with so much colorful memories that I know we cannot repeat again. He is not my ideal guy but I never knew that the fate would twist and change our story.

Let me start by telling you that I am an introvert one. I do not like to talk a lot, I do not like to mingle with anyone. I am the kind of person who prefers my own company and I don't care if I am alone. While here he is, an extrovert type. He is very bubbly, he loves talking to different people and he likes making friends. We became classmates during our Grade 10 years. We only became friends because we go home in the same way. So most of the times, we always go home together but we are just friends. I really didn't expect that we would become a closer friends because I know I am an introvert while he is an extrovert.

We are two worlds apart. Even we are not the same and we have a totally different personalities, it didn't hinder for us to become friends. He is very kind and friendly. Sometimes I will smile whenever I will see him enter the class but there's no hidden meaning for that. I just smile because I have see him. We don't have anything special during that time. I remember trying to cutting classes with him, the school gate is still close so we need to find other way to exit the school. That was my first memories with him. Our next memories is when he tried to grabbed the sandwich I'm holding and I am so disappointed when it fell in the ground. We have so many memories together that I can't count anymore.

My friendship with him made my life totally different. I didn't know that I am slowly going out from my own comfort zone and I really thank him for that. However, I didn't know things would slowly changed. During the December Christmas Season, we have our school caroling practice and it is very strange that sometimes our eyes would met and something feels different from that. I do not know why but I just totally ignore it. In January, it is already back to school after the Christmas break. I was on my chair sitting and he was on the other chair, a distant away from me. I noticed him looking at me and I didn't pay attention to it but he didn't stop staring to me. I feel so uncomfortable by it so I look at him. He then turned his head looking in a different direction. That was the day I really feel something is different from the two us.

No one ever stare so much to me except to him.

We are still friends during that time but I noticed that he is constantly staring to me. I ignore that and I pretend that I didn't notice it. Until one day, we were having a group circle in the class and my classmates are slowly leaving while it's him and me that's only left. We are now facing each other. I look at him and that's how I see a lot of stars from his eyes. I feel my heart beating and I told him "you are so scary." I don't know but that's all I can say just to distract the awkwardness from the two of us.

As the time passes by, things have really changed between the two us. We do not see each other as friends anymore because we are slowly falling for each other. There was a time where I feel so sad because I didn't see him in the classroom, I was just sitting and feeling so extremely lonely without seeing him and then out of a sudden, he suddenly arrived and sat next to me. He feel so happy looking at me and told me "I feel so sad whenever I won't see" but he didn't finish the whole sentence. I am not numb and I know what he meant by. I really didn't expect that he too also think that I was absent and I cannot help but laugh about us.

I have fallen deeper for him and he have fallen deeper for me too. Even we are not officially together, we are happy everytime we see each other. Even I know how much he likes me so much, he cannot confessed his feelings for me because he is always nervous to do that. I understand him and he is very shy to do the boys confession to the girls. So what I did in our situation, I didn't ask him to confess instead I just show him everyday how much he matters to me. I do not want him to struggle because I understand how diffident he is.

I had never waste any chance to let him feel what I feel about him In our situation, it feels like I am the guy and he is the girl but it didn't matter to me. He is very coward in showing his feelings so sometimes even I hold his hands, he feel so cold and as if he cannot move. There was a time when he wrote a Korean Hangul word in my hand and I asks him what it means but he only told me "secret." I didn't stop asking him what it means and he said it means saranghae and he didn't said another thing. Even he is coward to tell his feelings, I am brave in showing my feelings for him so in our situation it is a fair boat on the sea.

Until the day comes that we will be having a moving up ceremony because we will graduate in our Grade 10 and we will move in senior high school.

Both of us are sad during the time. We will part ways and it only means we will be far away from each other. We won't see each other often anymore. On our last day, after our grade 10 graduation we have a group photo together with our classmates and I hold his arms while the photographer are taking us photos and I didn't expect that he will pull me closer next to him, it is really closer that I feel my heart stop for a seconds. After that he look at me as if he doesn't want to say good bye.

After the two years that we don't see each other anymore,

We are both heartbroken. He wants to move on, I also want to move on. He cannot forget about me, I also cannot forget about him. I don't know if this is what you call as first love. We were friends in Facebook but we do not interact there anymore. The last time I've heard about him was this February 2022 and he shared a lot of post that I really know was meant for me. As much as I want him back in my life, until now he is very coward to confess his feelings. If only he knows I'm waiting for him. If he will be brave to confess his feelings for me, I will forever accept him on my life and I hope that the fate won't let the two of us separate again.

May 14, 2022

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