Before Me, Myself, and I become Who Became me right now just like others, I experience a lot of things-A Different kind of feelings that everyone also experienced in their life. Because I am a Human too..Like you.
Before Writing my story to be share with everyone, I think this topic is better to write to understand myself and to think and looking back to my past.
Looking back to the old me, I'm just a little person without knowing anything. I'm just a little girl who became the favorite of My Grandfather and My neighbours. I just have a simple life with my parents because we are just living in a simple house and I do everything I want (playing outside with my friends, singing in the neighbours yards like a pro singer, doing acting with my friends, and I don't mind what others will say to me aha lol). I don't call myself as a spoiled brat because I don't tell my mother what I want she just giving what she think that I need and I can tell that for me, she is the best Mother in the world until now.
Before I have two bestfriends and they are Boy and Girl. My Girl bestfriend's name is Jane she is my childhood friend she is the daughter of the bestfriend of my Mom so we are always together because we always play and also I always give her what I have and unlike me, her life is more misserable than me because her parents divorced at her young age. So I became her only family when she is crying, down, and she don't have things that she need, I share it with her. But things change when we graduated in grade 3, she transfer to her Father's side and she told me that it is her Mother's decision because her Father can give everything that she want and she will have a better life so I let her go even if I don't want it because I don't have many friends and she is just the only person I can be with but I realize at that time that 'We should learn to live by our own and not depend on others'. So after she left when I turned Grade 4, I became lonely not after we became close with the person that I rival the most because we studied both the same Day Care and we became our Teacher's favorite. We both became rival because of our Teacher we always both want his attention to us. However, when we became school mates in Grade 4 we become close to each other until our school mates think as both as a couple. Well I do admit that I want to become his girlfriend too at that young age because I fall to him-I fall inlove to my bestfriend and i don't know if he did because we didn't talk about falling in love at that young age but I do think that maybe he liked me too before because he didn't push me when I am very close to him, he didn't say any words after we scold by our Teacher when we play during class. Actually, he is the reason why I learned arts he thought me how to draw things and I did cherish that talent until now. We became perfect friends and I do think that maybe someday he will become my First Boyfriend that he will fall inlove with me too just like how I am at that time. But time changed when we become Grade 5, the person that I like change his attitude to me and I don't know why maybe because he become matured and I realize at that time that Time will Change someone. I do always want to go back to the time where we are (and while typing this words to this article it's making me become emotional because It's really hurts...because I'm still affected and I'm still falling in love to him until now even if I never reach him now.) but fate never allow us again to become the same person just like before. In one year of being close friends with him, we have the best memories in my life that I don't want to forget until I die. I never forget him, I still include him to my prayers and I wish that he will become successful someday even If I don't keep my promise to him and that is to become a successful architect so that we can work together because his dream is to become a successful Engineer.
My life become miserable. My life is different from what I am when I was a kid because when I become Secondary, My Mother need to work to Manila so that she can give money to our everyday needs so We, My Sister and My Father need to transfer to our Grandparents house so that My Father have a accompany to take care of us however, my Father become a alcoholic and our Family here hated us.
My Sister change her attitude to me she didn't consider me before as her sibling she didn't like me and she bully me infront of others. Sometimes, when I'm studying and I don't know our subject I want to learn to her but she refused I also remember that during that time my Auncle come to me and my book slap it to my head. The people here at this house become the reason why I live like this. I change my attitude to others and I become strong because I do don't like to hurt anymore. Because I experienced a lot of pain, the old version of me did not know how to fight the people who always hurt her.
I experienced bullying to the fact that every night I always killing myself. They did not know my pain and they never ask me if I'm okay because they are the one who become the reason why I experience those things because bullying me is their happiness. I feel sorry to myself because I didn't know how to defend myself from those people who hurt me and all I can do is to cry and even if I told to my parents what i experience they just give a words and after that it's okay again. People around me just think my pain and experience as a joke no one did even hug me or comfort me and during that time, I'm just being myself until now but it's okay to be just only yourself because I learned that only yourself can understand you and you are your own ally. Which is until now I always think that because it's very true because people just act as if they will be your family and they will be on your side but when you turn your back they don't consider you as one. Am I right?
The old version of me experience the things that it should be not to do. Like drinking alcohols, taking cigarettes, cutting classes and go home drunk and I do those things because I don't like to live anymore in short, I lost myself and That is not the person that anyone even me, know in the past and you can't blame me for doing such things because anyone even think to rebel because of the pain that they experience and feel. I'm still imatured at that time.
Well, but after how many years this is the new version of me. Even if i feel a lot pain I'm thinking a lot of possitive than before however, Nothing really change i just become strong and learned to don't mind people around me however I'm still not okay because I still feel depression and anxiety, but not anyone did know about it. Maybe, I feel okay when I'm with many people, talking with them but you can tell in my eyes when I take pictures that I feel sad and I'm really not. So, I just at my room so that I can feel less depression because people around me still giving me a trauma of what many things I experience before and sometimes my actions don't know how to act by own myself because they still control me which is very strangling to my neck. I become worse because I admit that i'm thinking of killing those people sometimes which is also the reason why I want to be by myself if I'm angry because I don't want to turn into a monster.
I tell you this because I want to let this out to my mind.
To Everyone who read this article , I want you to know that I'm not okay and I need someone to help me from drowning and anytime I will kill myself by suicide to end this pain because I don't want to suffer anymore.
I don't know how to save myself now. I also pray to God to guide me now but if I someday, I will die everytime I'm okay because I really don't like to feel the pain, i don't like to suffer, I don't like to live by this kind of world but I'm thankful that I experience a lot and I learned something in this world. I met a lot of people esp. my Mom who loves me and doing her best so that she can give me a better life.
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IMO life will always be the survival of the fittest, the strong shall be the victor and the weak will be trampled. However, we are not born strong or weak, we are born to choose what we want to be in the end. fighting life is hard indeed :D