Undecided : 100% Mental Circus

It is wild enough that I have a tendency to overthink things. And madness even that I am a middle child. I am not entirely charging my being indecisive or my inclination to be one to my birth rank or birth order. But yes, it may have a contribution to that. If we are going to stretch it far, though, my being an unica hija makes me a first born and a last born as well. So that would make me having a lot of cliche personality of any birth rank. Don't be thinking into it too much. I am, after all, in the middle of my overthinking.

I have been mostly "quiet" these days. I've had thinking a lot of controlling my thoughts. It would be easy to sit right in front of the laptop and type in all things I am feeling and all things I am thinking. Because , after all , I am a fan of the thought that writing is therapeutic.

But I am also an advocate of the thought that not everything you think of or that you have an opinion about should be posted in social media. We are, still, after all, dealing with handling words here.

I had a whole seven plus days to battle with my thoughts. Catching the virus is totally a mental battle far more than it is a physical one. Specially when you have been very careful.

But being careful does not guarantee that others are as careful.

Remember that the line, "do not do unto others what you do not want them to do to you"... ? It does not guarantee that they won't do to you what you won't want to be done to you. Yes, I am looping you in with my brain loop.

No worries I did not experience any symptoms. Matter of fact, I was negative with the antigen. But I had the urge to do PCR because I have to make sure I am not a carrier to my old folks who, at the time before I got the corona, was bound to see my grandmother in the province.

And now that I am hundred per cent well. Praising Abba for covering me well while I isolate and not allowing any symptoms at all to show up.

I can finally say I got angry. I find it funny. I am not usually the type of person who gets angry. I would get irritated, maybe short-fused even some times. But angry? Not really.

For the most part of the isolation process, I was wrestling with my thoughts. Tracing and re-tracing how I landed to where I was.

It was one group call with my college constants that got me blurting my thoughts at the time. I told them the story and my suspicions. My suspicions may be unfounded that is one of the reasons why I cannot hundred per cent let myself be angry.

I said, "I am half angry..."

And before I could finish my sentence, my genuine friend corrected me.

"No, you are angry. You cannot be half angry. And it it is valid."

And my heart felt relieved . My heart wanted to conk me in my head and my heart wanted to cross the barrier of the physical absence of my friend and hug her that time. It was amusingly funny and wonderfully relieving at the same time.

Now that I am ok and looking back at the past week and now really feeling and thinking better I laugh at myself.

I shake my head at being not able to let myself feel what I am feeling and charging that to my being indecisive.

Another incident a while ago got me laughing at myself even. Grass cutters roared a while back. The park at the back of my house is getting some grooming. The smell of the freshly cut grass sashayed its way under my nostrils and tickled my senses.

I smiled. It made me smile.

And then...

I found myself slowly getting annoyed with the same smell of freshness. Because at the same time, it left that faint bitter smell and taste.

I was again.. in a 100% mental battle of whether I like the smell of freshly cut grass or not.

Hahaha.

Yes. Some glimpse of some days I am a nutcase.

Cheerio people!

October is Mental Health Awareness month. I think the exact day was the 10th. Do check on yourself, do check on your friends and family.

If you know Hello Shayne, she shares her story here. It is a long watch but might be informative.

Live loved.

Smile bright.

Love hard.

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