Without A Word - Questions of the Heart.

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It's painful to see when I see people go through certain level of pain. It breaks my heart even more when I am supposed to help and I couldn’t help. I feel worse anytime I am helpless to the situation of someone. It's a terrible feeling I have to say. We all see things differently and two people can be looking at the same thing but they will see it differently.

One of my adopted daughters and friend lost her mom. The lady I shared about few days ago who lost her mom. She came up to me in the office and she sat down in silence. I kept staring at her while she was trying to hide her pain inside. She tried to keep it on the leash but not for too long as I couldn’t keep my gaze off her and I could see her tears flowing incessantly. I gave her my handkerchief to wipe it and I just stood there in silence because I want her to cry more than just shedding of tears. It's endless release sometimes when you allow the tears to flow...

She was listening to some music on her phone while I just stood there watching her. I want to get her to the point where she would cry her eyes out because only then can she feel better. I touched her hand and there, her eyes gave way to more tears. I drew her close and there, she started crying. She really cried and that’s a victory in some part. You need tears sometimes to heal and it's not a sign of weakness.

I wanted her to open up because if she can talk about it conveniently, then it gives way to the healing process to take place. I asked her questions and what broke my heart was when she said, ”Why didn’t she stay?”.

She wanted to know why her mother didn’t wait for her to come back home before leaving? She wanted to know why she left without even saying goodbye. She wanted to know why she abandoned her and she cried even the more.

I told her maybe the pain was too much for her to bear and she is tired of seeing you all get worked up over her situation. She tried to relieve herself so they can feel a bit of less stress but not forgetting to tell her that her mum loves her so much. I told her maybe she gave in because she has no choice, or maybe she has no strength left in her to stay up and fight and maybe because the pain was too much for her to bear. I just want her to know she wasn’t abandoned and the mother did all she could do.

I was feeling so sad knowing I couldn’t take her pain away. I wish I have a magic wand that would take us back in time and save her mother from dying. She felt betrayed because she said ”My mother left me”. I know how that feels deep inside. I know what it means to lose someone without having the chance to say goodbye. I told her she decided not to give her any last word because last words are for fools who never said enough while they were alive. She was a brave woman, she fought but this battle was too strong for her to win.

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We all have to answer the call of death at one point or the other and not many people are strong enough to handle the pain of losing someone. She wasn’t ready and she was trying to be strong too.

Life doesn’t come with instructions and I learned how to cope with pains with the people I have lost in my life; my sister in 1998, my dad in 2006, then my mum in 2009. I got better and stronger with all of these but is everyone strong and ready enough to cope? Others can while others might not. We have different coping abilities and some might just crumble under the weight of the pressure.

I saw her taking liquor so early this morning to drown the pain the next day and I couldn’t even take it away from her. I couldn’t even tell her to stop because her pains were so much and she felt that would give her a temporary relief. We are not all that strong after all.

I lost my mom and the last statement she made to me was ”I am feeling pain in my chest” and that statement ripped me to shred. I couldn’t do anything about it and before we could take her to the clinic, she was already gone. I still cry a little anytime I remember how she left too soon without having to enjoy anything from us. I feel guilty sometimes and I get angry with myself. I made sure I cried it all out and then held some pain back inside too. Maybe I needed to hold on to those pains so as to keep pushing through life and not be complacent.

My dad left without saying goodbye too and I wasn’t even around to see it. I felt there would have been things he wanted to say or have me do for him. I felt cut out because I wasn’t even there. So many ifs and wishes running through my head, even till date.

When my sister left, I didn’t see her nor get a goodbye as well. I had no clue as to what was wrong with her nor see her come back home. I was so young that I didn’t even see her body. I have so many questions in my head even till now and this is why I can perfectly relate to what people sometimes go through. We all have questions popping up in our heads.

Let me try and put her thoughts down in these few lines:

Dear mother, you left so soon when no one thought
Why didn’t you stay longer than you promised?
You said your love would last longer than the summer
You said you would be the answer to all of life’s pressure
Now I know that nothing really lasts forever
No matter how it feels today, not even this pain
Why did you have to leave so soon, mama?
Why didn’t you stay to watch her walk down the aisle?
Why didn’t you wait to watch her dance with her husband?
Why didn’t you see the kind of mother she would turn out to be?
Why leave so soon and why didn’t you at least wait?

Thank you for your time.

My pen doesn't bleed, it speaks. I am love's chemical content in human form and that's why  I advise people to take a dose of "Olawalium" daily. 🙈

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