So I became inactive but I am happy that I reached my goal which is 100$ per month. I accumulated the total of 130$ or 6500php and that's a huge one already. I don't know where I'm gonna input my total earnings so instead I write them off. (Including the today's earning.)

Well, I am happy to have this kind of earning at the month of march and I'll be more thankful because I reached my total goal which is 100$, I'm planning to each 200$ per month but I became inactive so this one will do and I am contented with this.

So enough of this first, because tonight, something happened which is I didn't expecting tho.

Last night, or we should say last last night, I talked to my step sister which is the 2nd oldest child at my mother's side. I asked her why she's angry with my mother and she opened up her side that she was just feel envy because I grow up with my mother, it's my thing to asked her since I am happy to know what the reason behind why she didn't try to find me and waited for my another stepsister which is the first oldest child of my mother find me.

Everything became a puzzle, honestly.

I can't stop thinking all day long why, and how did this end up like this. I mean, I already knew eversince I was a child that she was my big sister but my mother always telling me that she's not, she even told me not to go near to here, and the reason? I don't know.

That was the only time where I talked close to my step sister because we not talking to each other like we're so close or whatsoever it is. So why everything became a puzzle? I know that I'm not into right side to asked my mother why she denied that they were my siblings. Why my mother choose to let me grow up not knowing them or not even talking to them. I still remember everything, this may be look like rant because yes this was.

Tonight, too many question was appeared to my mind. I'm the person who used not to stay outside especially when it's called because it was easy for me to catch a cold. But it's not the reason for me to stay outside even if the atmosphere was cold. Maybe, I have too many questions regarding to what happened before. I'm really curious, I know curiosity kills a cat but I'm so damn curious to know the reasons why because a lot of questions was bugging me, the inside of me.

I can't stop thinking while I'm on the outside and letting the wind to catch over my emotions, I'm too sad to cry but full of curiosity why.

I don't know if it's wrong to be full of questions or whatsoever regarding to what happened before or it's just me.

What she said really bugging me, what she said was driving me into curiosity. I felt like there's something that was happened before and they didn't want me to know. She told me that my father was told them to stay away from me or not to go near me, maybe that's the reason why my mother choose to turn me away from them and instead she told me that she's not a sister of mine.

When everything becomes curious, I can feel the anxiousness inside me where I'm not comfortable and I don't feel good. I became too quiet and I don't want to talk, I'm just talking to myself earlier saying that, maybe there's a reason why this thing happened, that there's a huge lesson why they denied everything.

That hurt me, that's really hurt me. Who said being a breadwinner as only child not knowing that you have a sibling was easy? Ofcourse they aren't. Not everything we see and not everything we knew became easy as it was. Sometimes it's become the reason why things breaking us over and over again. Especially when you have many questions where you can't answer all or them in on term or in one answer.

This curiosity turned me into feeling anxious.

• I am guilty, I am guilty for not finding out everything early but instead it took me 20 and almost 21 years to figure out that all of my life, I was wrong.

I was anxious to know the reason that what my mother tells or my father was all wrong.

I was anxious to figure out that everything happened before was driving me crazy as of now.

I was anxious to know that I was at fault...

I can't say no more, all I know is I'm anxious and I don't feel alright.

I don't like this feeling if mine, I don't like how I feel sad, how I feel not okay, how I feel anxious, how I feel uncomfortable. Everything around me was making me not feel so comfortable, maybe if I have one wish left, that is to figure out what really happened before. To figure out how this things ended up like this.

What's the beginning and what's the end, if I have one wish left, I want everything to go back to it's own place. It's not important if my existence may erase, or I'll still existing but into another version of me.

It's not important, I just want everything to go back to normal, where they can still undone their wrongdoings.

Because in reality, I really feel guilty to know that I broke someone's family...due of my existence.

Final Thoughts.

Sorry for this kind of article, I'm not just feel okay hehe.